My Name is Mommy

Dear Emily Elizabeth

You wrote:

I actually don't have any problem with the Duggars having as many children as they want as long as they can afford them.

My husband and I could afford to buy an elephant, if we wanted to. We could pay for the hay or whatever the hell elephants eat. We have a big backyard. We could give him toys to play with. Do you think that we could properly take care of an elephant here in our suburban home? Just because people can afford something doesn't mean they can properly care for it, whether it is an elephant or a child.

I have two kids. My husband and I share the parental duties. Between the two of us we dress, feed and bathe our children on a regular basis. We give them a place to sleep, toys to play with, activities to stimulate their development. Beyond meeting these basic needs, there are other things involved in parenting. Among those are showing love and affection, providing discipline and spending one-on-one time together. Even more important in my estimation is to provide a good example of how to be a successful human being. If your definition off being a successful woman is being pregnant and squirting out babies for a quarter of your life, then I suppose Mrs. Duggar would be deemed quite a success. I don't believe you can provide 15 children with much more than the basic necessities for survival. Sure, if you can afford it, you can hire someone to provide the things a parent should be providing. Will it be of a similar quality when provided by someone paid to do so? Not likely. Nor do I believe that older children should have any responsibility for raising their younger sblings. Sometimes that happens, and sometimes it is amazing to see one child step up to take care of the rest of the family. But should that happen, ideally? No. Because kids deserve to have a ton of love, attention and time.

Sometimes Dean takes Avery off to play wth her so I can play a game of Memory with Viola. Sometimes I take Viola grocery shopping without Baby A along. Sometimes I snuggle with Baby A, all by ourselves. I enjoy these times with my children as individuals.

I think it is downright idiotic to have 15 children. I don't believe all the money in the world can make up for the lack that those children will suffer.

More importantly, why, if you really wanted to have 15 children to love and compete for your attention, wouldn't you adopt? Even more importantly, how in the world does your twat ever recuperate from having 15 babies? Can you answer me that, Emily Elizabeth?

Weekend Recap.

My dad arrived late friday evening. He took off early Saturday morning for the car show in Pleasanton. I got up intending to go running with Liz. She totally blew me off. I waited around, waited around. Then it got too hot. Just when I was about to go, it was like someone turned on the oven. I ended up not even going. So, we slugged around the house for a while. Eventually we managed to pack the kids up and go to see the horse.

I worked with her on the lunge line for some time. She was behaving herself for the most part. At one point she put her head down and threw a big old buck in my direction. All in all she did pretty well considering we were out in the outdoor arena where she is normally terrified of the cows across the way.

I was going to ride but my boots were in the car my dad took to the car show. Dean was the lucky rider, in my stead. Cosette actually behaved very well for him considering she hasn't been ridden much lately. He even took her out and rode her up the hill and around the pasture, also difficult spaces for her. Dean was awesome and she was listening very well to him.

After the horse, we met back up with my dad at the house. My sister joined us and we went out for dinner at La Cabana. The best part was that it is located right next door to an adult bookstore. They had the best chile relleno there that I've had. (La Cabana, not the adult bookstore) Viola ordered a bowl of soup and it came with two whole chicken drumsticks, a whole carrot, half a potatoe and some other stuff in it. It was like something off the Flintstones.

Yesterday, my dad and I got up early and went to Starbucks. I then took him to Coyote Hills where we walked for a few miles along the levee. It was gorgeous. We stopped at Starbucks again on the way home. Heh. I love it when my dad is here. Then we took the whole family down to Castle Rock and went hiking. We hiked to the waterfall which was barely more than a trickle. The view was amazing and freaky as you look over a sheer rock cliff dropping hundreds of feet down. Then we climbed up to Goat Rock and took a little loop trail near there. We saw lots of bugs and blue jays and a few little lizards. It was a nice day. Got back and had dinner at the Olive Garden. I then went out with Auora to see The Village. I enjoyed it. I know it hasn't been getting good reviews but I liked it.

Now I am sitting here at work, trying to get stuff done. The stench of my bare feet in my tennis shoes is overwhelming. Ugh.

A trip to Cost Plus.

I was sitting here thinking I had nothing interesting to write about. Then I remembered that we went to Cost Plus yesterday.

After dropping Viola off at the Little Gym for some Friday Night Fun, my sister Natalie and I went to the Olive Garden to stuff our craws. Avery fell asleep on the way there and slept all through dinner. Afterward, we spied the Cost Plus from across the parking lot and decided to check it out. I was a kid in a candy store, literally. I bought some Walker's shortbread. Mmm mmm. I found some honey-lemon licorice which is my new favorite treat. All the pastilles were on sale so I bought a cartful. I also found a nice bottle of Icewine which I subsequently took home and cracked open. It was pure heaven.

Okay, that's about it.

Oh, wait.

Dean and I went and saw Open Water on Thursday. Eh. It was so-so. I was not terrified. I did not suffer an overwhelming sense of anticipation or suspense. It was okay. I did not enjoy the ending, or rather, lack thereof. I especially did not enjoy the independent-film-style-hand-held-sicksickness cam. I never felt terribly sympathetic toward the main characters and so was not terribly saddened to see them eaten by sharks, or not. The whole creepy part was thinking about being left out in the middle of the ocean with no hope of rescue. I didn't need the movie to fill in any blanks there, my imagination does that quite well on its own.

Avery had her 18 month check-up on Thursday, as well. She weighed in at a whopping 24 lbs and was 31 inches long! The doctor was impressed with her babbling. They had a poster of the Milky Way on the wall and Avery kept saying, "Star bright! Star bright! Mommy, I like star bright!" and then, of course, right after we discussed tooth brushing, "Mommy, I NEED gum bears. I NEED them!"

This is why my kids don't go to daycare:

Go read this article about 'hot saucing' as a form of discipline. It's one thing to write a book that advocates it, it is another thing entirely to be a daycare center that practices it:

According to the day-care center’s report, at 9:10 a.m. Wednesday a child bit Naughton’s son above the index finger and broke the skin. The other boy "got hot sauce in his mouth, and sat in time out," the report continued.

Putnam and his wife, co-pastor Jacque Putnam, claimed such punishment is accepted practice among child-care workers and that similar practices included using Listerine, lemon juice or "something else that tastes bitter."

(The above from this article)

It makes me think of an article I read once about a boy who survived his father's horrible abuse. His sister did not. Their father made the girl drink a bottle of hot sauce and then threw an iron plate from a woodstove at her when she vomited it back up. She died from her injuries. This is the sort of person that uses hot sauce as a disciplinary tool.

Sorry, you're not going to convince me otherwise.

Some good news.

I want to savour it a bit longer but I'm about to burst:

We're having a baby!

I got the news over the phone this afternoon. I talked with Dean after he met with the Dr.. He broke the news like it was no big deal. I let out a whoop. Everyone came by and stuck their heads in my office and said, "Uh! Congratulations on whatever it is!" Finally!

Yes, Cosette is pregnant!

Her foaling date is June 20, 2005. Ugh! THAT IS SO FAR OFF!

Stress Mama.

I have a big day: we find out if Cosette is pregnant at noon. Then I have my mid-year performance review at 1:30. Then I have class at 6:30. I'd be running right now if I hadn't stupidly left my iPod playing and used up all its juice. It is recharging and then I will run. To top it off, Dean hid my purse in the top of the closet. I had to wake him up so he could tell me where it is. I never go into the top of my closet. Why would he put it there?

We did laundry last night at the laundromat- all the comforters and big stuff. I know I've written before about how much I love the laundromat. I love the efficiency of it. I love the great big washing machines with windows. We went to a new laundromat this time. This one is across from an Albertsons. This place is particularly cool because it has washing/drying equipment that range from new to about 40 years old. It is totally hit and miss as to which machines actually function. They have a soap vending machine which probably hasn't worked since 1960. All the little boxes of Tide inside have housewives in heels looking really happy to be doing their mens' laundry on the front. While our laundry was laundered, we went across the way and bought a watermelon. Dean met up with us and after spinning the kids around in the wheeled laundry cart a bunch of times, we went next door and got a 'Taste of India'. It was okay. The decor was a little shabby(that's being generous). The service was surly. The curry was good and they brought us a huge pile of tandoori chicken with our 'dinner for two'. Still, I missed my Bombay Garden.

Went home, made the bed and crawled in. I fell asleep to the olympic equestrians galloping about. I dreamed about flying.

Here I am, awake again.

Lean to the left! Stand up! Sit down! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Rah.

Just a political side note: some people seem to equate the political stance of not wanting government to dictate women's healthcare decisions with a moral stance regarding abortion. This is a BIG FAT CROCK O' SHIT. For the record, I don't support abortion(does anyone? Yeah, only those unmentionables who think that we should spay and neuter our ethnic poor like dogs). I think it has it's place as a medical procedure and the decision to have said medical procedure should be made by the patient and her physician. Hello! People! I can say that I don't want the government making morality-based healthcare decisions for me without saying that I think it is good to kill babies. That is why they call it PRO-CHOICE and not PRO-ABORTION .

Dumb f-s.

Addicted.

It's gotten bad. I can't seem to stop. The worst part is not being able to get it out of my head. I wake up with the craving. I tell myself I can have one if I run. I try to tell myself I don't need it, I can go without it if I want to. I just don't want to. I think it's not so bad if I just have one. I didn't drive fifteen minutes out of my way and make people late just so I could get some.

But it is a problem. If I don't get it first thing after my morning run I am back at home on the couch. I am tired, irritable. I can't think straight.

Why did I ever have that first one? My habit is getting more expensive, too. I am a slave to the toffee nut latte. Sometimes I have to lie to Dean that I haven't been today. I go to different ones so they won't recognize me when I have to go for a back-to-back triple grande.

So I'm being a little facetious, and a little not. It isn't right that my body requires this much caffeine to function. How did this happen? Why do those glowing, green letters have such power over me?

They are evil, evil, evil!

Those damn kids.

I thought I might take this post to write a little about what the kids are up to. I had a great evening with Vi and BayA last night. Viola and I played the Nemo Memory game. The age on the box says for 3-6 year olds, but I found it pretty challenging. I guess my memory isn't very good. No, you know what it is: there are only so many different fish you can put on cards before they all start to look the same. I mean, in Classic Memory there is no confusing the Tree and Apple cards, but Dory with three little turtles looks an awful lot like Dory with three little fishes. Anyhow, we played for like and hour and Viola did really well. It was a dead heat right down to the end.

Yesterday afternoon when I came home, Avery told me, "Mommy! Mommy! I NEED gum bears!" Dean said she's ben saying it all day- that she needs whatever. I could totally see needing gummy bears, so we went and got some. Then she crawled up in my lap and nursed to sleep. She sprawled across my lap in the big chair for the next hour and we took a nap together. I fear these days won't be lasting too much longer. Avery is really communicating well. She often speaks in full sentences and her vocabulary is large. She sings the ABC song from beginning to end and did I mention that she can count to 20 or something now? It is so amazing to me because Viola was never this verbal. Viola was much more physical and continues to be.

We went to see the horse yesterday. Avery stood up in the passenger seat of the car and yelled, "Hi Cosette" while waving her arm out the window as Cosette galloped around the outdoor arena. Avery is totally unsafe at the barn. I dont think we had a horse yet when Viola was this age. Avery will crawl right between the slats in the fence and go in with the horse. Being a reasonaly protective mother, this is not something I want her to do. So, usually, she and Viola are stuck in their car seats while I deal with the horse. Then they are freed while I sit in the car with them and keep an eye on the horse in the arena. They crawl all over the car and find all the snacks and drinks. Then Viola likes to buckle them up together in the seat belt- not entirely unlike how we used to ride around in the car when we were kids and apparently car seats hadn't been invented.

Relativity.

Okay, I'm going to rant a little bit. Yesterday, we went out to dinner with my dad and sister, Natalie. My dad started in on this "We're being invaded by the Mexicans" thing. He complained about "everything being in Spanish". I excuse this bigoted viewpoint because of his age and upbringing. To an extent. I guess I just know that it isn't going to change. My little sister then starts complaining about the guy at the 7-11 who can barely speak English. Why? Is she going to go work at 7-11? For 6 bucks an hour or whatever the minimum wage is? And what is her excuse? She doesn't know where this guy has been in his life. She's had every opportunity handed to her on a platter and what great things has she done? Some of these people that are 'invading' us have had some shitty-ass lives, scrambled up from nothing to obtain some semblance of a reasonable existence for their families, with nothing, no help. My sister has had an upper-middle-class up-bringing, good educational opportunities and she can't even manage to get through a quarter at community college without screwing up. She is 'totally broke' when she can't afford to eat out every day and get her nails done.

So why am I bitching about my sister? I guess because I am sort of pointing at myself, as well. WHAT am I doing? I do nothing to improve the situation of those less fortunate than myself. I provide things for my children but do I give them what they really need?

And to top it off, I'm all hot and itchy.

The slug days of summer.

Today was one of those days. I just couldn't seem to get myself going. I got up and ran a 5k. I'd planned on doing the 10k, but I was exhausted from yesterday's hike up Monument Peak. Those up-hill climbing muscles definately don't get used as much as those running muscles. I felt like I was dragging a ton of bricks behind me when I was running. My time was not great, I was hoping for sub-30 but instead came in right at 31:00. That means I was running 10 minute miles or 6 miles per hour. That means that I can't outrun a preschooler on a trike.

Came home and went straight to the couch where I stayed until noon. We watched the women's marathon. Do you know that they run 5:20 miles? Not only that, they do it for 26 miles. It is amazing. I mean, I guess that is why they are in the Olympics and on t.v. and stuff. Still, it makes me feel pathetic.

We hung around the house for a while. My dad got the Vanagone going. He's going to come down again next weekend, actually go to the car show which is really next weekend, than drive the vanagon back to Washington. I am so excited to see it go that I even offered to pay for gas.

It was finally determined that I needed coffee. We drove to Starbucks and then headed on to Dave and Busters. We ate and then my dad went to the airport- Natalie drove. Viola was all teary-eyed to see Grandpa go.

We all went to see the horse, then. I turned Cosette out in the outdoor arena and then a couple people came along and asked to turn their horses out with her. She went a little berserk but no major incidents.

Now we are home and it looks like Viola is sick. I gave her some motrin as she has a fever. We'll see if it develops into her usual full-blown respiratory nightmare.

Oo oo ow! ow!

Stephen got in after 11:30 last night. We were both up early this morning and he was all ready to attack the car show. I was to meet up with Liz to go for a run. I gave him Dean's call phone and the keys to the car and said we'd meet up later in the morning at the show. Liz arrived and we headed for the levee for our run. It was a good run and we rewarded ourselves with a relaxing latte at Starbucks after. When I arrived home, Dean informed me that Stephen had called with the news that the car show is actually next weekend. Whoops! So, we hung out at the house for a bit and waited for Stephen to drive back from Pleasanton. He had discovered the Farmer's Market and showed up with a huge bag of grapes.

After overcoming our inertia, we piled into the car and drove to the ranch. Stephen was very impressed with Cosette trotting, cantering and turning according to my voice commands in the round pen. I didn't darken the glamour by explaining that most horses are trained to respond similarly and it isn't really the voice so much as some subtle body language commands. I do agree with him that Cosette is exceptionally smart, voice activated or not.

After visitng with Cosette and feeding her copious amounts of watermelon rind, we headed for nearby Ed Levine Park where we went for a nice long hike up toward Monument Peak. We didn't quite reach the peak as we had a late start. Baby Avery insisted on walking and protested loudly upon being placed in the backpack. At one point she tripped in a squirrel hole and did a complete roll. She submitted to being ferried a bit after that. Viola is a seasoned hiker and her experience showed. We found a spider web arou nd a hole and Dean stuck a stick into the web and twirled it around as if a bug were caught in the web. A giant spider leapt out at us sending us screaming in various directions. Too cool.

We finished the day out at El Patio. They have the best Chile Rellenos there. Mmm. I've been craving Mexican food for a month. I need too go rest now. After running 4-some miles and hiking 3-some miles(straight up the hillside, I must add), I hope I am recovered enough for the race tomorrow morning, Heh. We'll see.

100 miles.

Rose early this morn and, still bleary-eyed, trucked it over to the Isherwood staging area along the levee.I ran from Isherwood down to Mission, ignored the CONSTRUCTION! DO NOT ENTER!! signs, crossed to the other side on the Mission bridge and ran back to the car. It was about 6.3 miles in total. That makes 25 miles this week and my week isn't officially over until Monday. I'm going running with friend Liz tomorrow. Snaps to Liz for getting up at the butt crack to come running with me. Now that is a friend. (Don't you love italics? Course, maybe it's just because I'm Italian.) (Get it?) Sunday, I am planning to run the CRY 10k over in Mountain View. So even if I take Monday off, I'll still be over 30 miles for the week. That is a good week.

Came back from my run this morning and drove to Mike's house. He has a fabulous place. It is so tranquil. And all because of his cool sense of style. His cat even works in with his color scheme, a little accent kitty. We drove out to RH Phillips (makers of Toasted Head) which is in the middle of NO WHERE. There were many jokes and nervous laughter about this being where 'the mystery machine breaks down'. With no cell reception, it would be a long hot walk back to civilization. So, the place is up near Esparto and really, I kid you not, there is nothing there. I watched the little arrow on Mike's navigation system. It was like we were in the middle of outer space, not a thing on the radar near us.

Mark, our contact at Phillips is a story to tell because he is one of those utterly insane people who takes part in things like the Ironman and 100 mile runs. Yeah, did I stutter? I said: 100 mile. As in M-I-L-E. Anything involving me travelling 100 miles on foot also would require a submission to the Reader's Digest Drama in Real Life section. That's like some kind of death march thing. 100 miles. Well, okay. The other story of the day happened when I got out of the car and, all of the sudden, I hear mews. Two, synchronous mews, to be exact. There were two, grey stripey kitties under the car next to us. They were very cute. When we left later in the day, we had to rescue them from under the car. They didn't even flinch when the car started up. Mark was telling us that they used to catch the wild kitties and take them to the Pound and have them spayed/neutered. "And what? Now, you just look forward to the annual Kitten Bar-b-que? Kitten kabobs?" We were tempted to bring the kitties home with us. Mike has a news car, though, and he said they would have to ride in the trunk. I didn't think they would like that so well. They looked pretty happy lounging in the sun.

Looking forward to the weekend.

The story about the squirrel.

I bet you thought that this post was going to be about the story about the squirrel. Gotcha!

Okay, okay. Since you are clammoring for squirrel stories: gratuitous squirrel story. Once, there was this squirrel that hung around our back door when we lived on 54th in the U district. That was when we lived with a guy who dubbed himself "Cloister" for his computer moniker, we believe, subconsciously or not, he was refering rather to his repressed gayness. That is, of course, a complete digression from the squirrel. So, we used to throw treats to this squirrel. One day, for some reason, we had a bunch of peanuts on hand and decided that we would lure the unsuspecting and now rather emboldened squirrel into our living room. Of course, there was no intelligent discussion of what would happen then, what diseases this small, lice-laden creature would imbue upon our household nor, most importantly, how we would get the little bastard back out of the house. We were, to our surprise, quickly successful. Mr. Squirrel came right up over the threshhold, despite our maniacal giggling and less-than-graceful manouevering. He was quite fearless. Aafter all, he did live right by our door and witnessed on many occasions that we were too stupid or too drunk to manipulate a car properly into a space big enough to be occupied by two cars. Why would he think we could entrap him, wee and speedy as he was? Yeah, well, when the door slammed behind him, all hell broke loose. The squirrel realized that the stupid assholes that were often seen vomiting off the back porch had, indeed, ensnared him. Let me end this tale of woe with the advice that it is always easier to lure a calm, nut-entranced squirrel through a doorway than a psychotic, panic-stricken squirrel who believes he is fighting for his very life.

Anyhow, I got a new cell phone today. My old one was actually new. I left it in the car last night beneath the cup holder which had a cup of sprite in it. The Sprite, apparently, ate through the paper cup and in a sort of bizarre inanimate chinese water torture, dripped on my phone all night long. This morning it was pretty messed up. I took the phone back to the Cingular store and explained that the screen wasn't working and that the phone was only two weeks old. Okay, so it was a white lie in that I failed to offer up that the screen was probably not functioning because it was sprite-logged. No questions asked and mere moments later I walked out with a new phone. Should I feel badly for not elaborating the full circumstances? Is my integrity compromised? And hey, how come cell phones aren't water-proof?

I went to an English class tonight. Turns out that English 111 from the UW doesn't count for me here because I got credit by way of an AP exam. So here I am, taking English 101A. I can't wait. Tonight the professor asked, "Now that we've gone over the requirements does anyone have any worries or concerns?" Some kiss-ass raised her hand and said "I'm just a little worried about juggling school and work. Scheduling conflicts are always an issue but I'll make this class a priority." Huh? So what the hell are you telling us about it for? I wanted t raise my hand and say, "I'm kinda nervous that I'll be trapped in the back of this room for three hours every Wednesday having to listen to a bunch of idiots prattle on with their thumbs up their asses. Should I be worried? Maybe it's just those first day jitters."

Dude, those are my intestines.

So, I have a hernia. I've had some surgery over the years, bad gallbladder, appendix out, etc.. So now, I have an incisional hernia near where they put a laparoscopic probe in my belly button. Well, I want to get it fixed ecause those silly intestines of mine keep popping out of the hole in my abdominal wall. Silly me for wanting to get it fixed. My insurance wanted me to get an ultrasound to verify the hernia. I went and had my ultrasound today. Despite the bulging mass of intestines poking out at him, the ultrasound tech could not get 'a good visualization' with the ultrasound. I don't know what this means entirely from the perspective of my insurance, but clearly my intestines are saying, "Let us out!" I am probably going to end up in a coutroom where the jury will one by one file past as I bear down so they can see my 'trick' hernia. In and ...*pop*...out!

I'm back again.

Just to let you know the state we're in: Viola 'leaked' in the bed this morning. Instead of doing laundry, I opted for the 10pm dash to WalMart where I actually got the last set of off white cal king sheets. They were only 270 thread count but I should consider myself lucky-- it was the ony package of 100% cotton sheets. Who are all those people shopping for percale sheets that WalMart needs to carry 400 in every shade and size? Why do people sleep on polyester-containing sheets? Anyhow, do you see how bad things are? I'd rather go out to buy sheets at WalMart than do the laundry?!?

The good part of my sheet excursion was that I rolled down all the windows and cranked up the stereo and sang at the top of my lungs all the way home. I hung my head out the window and belted the lyrics extra loud at all the stop lights. Tonight, I love California.

The Reason.

Every now and then, the universe comes into clear focus. There is that aha! moment when suddenly and painfully everything is perfect. Did you ever read Jonathan Livingston Seagull? Well, there is some good stuff there. Yeah, it is some hippy crap but I like it. This, for example: "The trick was to know that his true nature lived, as perfect as an unwritten number, everywhere at once across space and time." Anyhow, what is my point? Do I have a point? That is the big question, isn't it. Don't we all kinda want to know what the freakin' point is? So when those moments happen, when things are clear for a moment and I think, "This is it, this is why I exist!" I have my answer for a brief time. Of course, then I forget. What was I saying? Everything that exists is just a compilation of bits and pieces. Every physical thing is made up of smaller, tiny parts that form everything that we see and touch. All our experiences are just bits of sensation, motion and emotion thrown together. Sometime I believe I can see it all for what it is, that everything is all the same. We're just atoms spinning around each other, trying to organize ourselves. It's cosmic. It's electric. It's beautiful, man.

Run on.

Douglass, Frederick. Narrative of the life of Frederick Douglass, an American Slave. New York: Modern Liberty, 2000.
• His Own Story: Geronimo, As Told to S.M. Barrett. New York: Penguin, 1968.
• Wong, Jade Snow. Fifth Chinese Daughter. Seattle: University of Washington Press, 1989.
• Moody, Anne. Coming of Age in Mississippi. New York: Laurel, 2000.
• Rodriguez, Richard. Hunger of Memory: The Education of Richard Rodriguez. New York: Bantam Rooks, 1982.
• Nasdijj. the blood runs like a river through my dreams. New York: Houghton Mifflin, 2000.

The above is the reading list for English 130:American Stories. Despite the intellectual train wreck that occured at Anth102 & MyComputer last semester, I am sucking it up and taking, yes, another onlline class. I really wish that my dear friend Kate would take these classes with me because she likes to rip on stupid people, just like me. Actually, I took Women's Lit from this professor last fall and it was an excellent class. I really enjoyed rereading some women's lit classics with my new perspective as married, mother-of-two. I haven't read any of the above, so this will be new territory for me. I always look forward to new territory.

I went running this morning. It was a great run, just over nine miles in 1 hour and 35 minutes. Not particularly speedy but a good, long, slow run where I left all my cares behind. I ran along Alameda creek and then took a little diversion down the Union City trail. I got creeped out when I ran under the eight-lane overpass for 880. It was huge, dark and smelly. I kept thinking aout what it would be like if I was under there when the big one hits. Then I started thinking about homeless people. I got even more creeped out and turned around and ran back to the big Alameda Creek trail as fast as I could. So, back along the Alameda Creek trail there was construction and I wasn't able to cross to the other side via an overpass. I ran down into the creek bed which was deep and sandy and then scrambled up the rocky other side. I don't think I was supposed to do that. Anyhow, all this before 9am got my day started nicely. Now I feel all limp-noodly and good.

graviora manent

I've been struck lately with these itching sensations. It is like a mental twitch and strong enough to be almost physical. I want to go. I want to do. We've been here in Fremont for five years, now. I think it is about the longest I've ever lived in one place. I am feeling like it is time to pack and go. Can't get too settled, too happy or too attached, you know?

While I love my job, enjoy the perks, especially the getting to work from home, the part-time hours and the flexibility, I know this isn't it for me. This isn't what I want to do. Do I know what that is? No. I go through fits and starts. One day I want to join the circus, the next I'd like to open a cafe on the beach. Still, I know that this job is not my calling and I don't want it to be my career. So what do I do?

I don't know.

It was much easier to be free and fickle when I didn't have kids, and responsibility. Now, everything has ramifications and I can't just think of myself and what I want to do. I have to think about being a good partner and a good mother. That I love my job makes it that much more difficult. I fear inertia, however. I could go on and on being mediocre. I want to realize my greatness. Do you think it will happen? Maybe being great is more about how you talk to your husband when you are annoyed that he forgot to put out the garbage cans or what you do when your four-year-old throws herself down on the floor in the grocery store and screams until she can't breathe.

I don't know.

My life is good. It really is. Why can't I just let it be good?

Mommy comes home.

That isn't really true, not if that old maxim is true: home is where the heart is. I was home all along in that case.

Anyhow, we wrapped up our trip with a visit to some friends in Va. and then on Saturday we went to the Air & Space Museum and took a harrowing drive through rural Baltimore while we tried to find gas before returning the rental car(which almost caused us too miss our flight).

It was good to sleep in my own bed last night. I can't wait to go and see my horse. I think it is good to go away now and then to renew one's sense of appreciation for those day-to-day aspects of our lives we take for granted.

Still, I can't wait to go again. Travel is like chocolate, for me. I have a little and I want more! more! more! Speaking of which, I have a Sees gift certificate that wants to go home to Grandma Sees. Today.

Quick run down on the vacation:
Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Rhode Island: Loved them, want to go live there
New York and Environs: Loved it, would live there only if I could have a swank penthouse with a view of the park and a driver.
Washington DC: Loved visiting, wouldn't want to live there, ever.

United Airlines: the not-so-friendly skies, at least they served us meals
National Car Rental: the car was great, free upgrade, don't enjoy the fact that the car rental places are all shuttle rides away from the airport but what can you do?

Radisson Merrimack: Would have been a perfect stay if they had someplace decent to run nearby, good service, friendly staff, free internet

Doubletree Lowell: Room was a little small, no free cookies, no mattress pad on one of the beds one night

Marriot Newport: kinda smelly, dirty socks from walking around room, internet didn't work at first, service so-so, expensive parking, wouldn't go back- def. wouldn't give it 3-stars.

Hyatt Grand New York: Excellent, wonderful beds with lots of pillows, quiet, high ceilings, nice view, great lobby, good air conditioning, loved it.

Wyndham DC: Good service, nice room, internet a little funky- wireless didn't work so well, parking was steep but with in&out.

Hmm, where should we go next?

It's a HURRICANE!

It's been a little wet here in DC. That hasn't stopped us a bit. We hung with Abe yesterday at the Lincoln Memorial, walked along the reflecting pool where there are THRONGS of geese, and then ran through the rain. We ran and ran and then we gave up because we were so wet anyway that we decided to enjoy the fact that it was warm rain. I've never seen so many geese in one place before. No wonder the reflecting pool looks so mucky. Wonder if you'd get swimmer's itch going in there? We took a little tour bus ride and saw the National Cathedral, Embassy Row, Georgetown, the Kennedy Center. We walked around the Washington Monument and saw the WWII Memorial. All very nifty. We went to the National American History Museum which was too cool. Again, wish I could spend days in those places. As it was, a couple of hours was all we could fit in before they kicked us back out in the rain. We walked back to our hotel in a complete DOWNPOUR. Really. I mean, I thought we were going to be swept down Pennsylvania Ave. in a flash flood.

We dried out for a while back at the hotel and then headed out in Amy's Tourmobile (c). Really, if you get the chance, this is the way to do DC. We cruised around downtown for a bit and then suddenly found ourselves shunted over the Potomac, went to Arlington, came back. Drove around the Lincoln memorial a few times as we tried to figure out how to get off that freakin' parkway. Eventually we ended up at the FDR Memorial. It was wonderful, a whole series of waterfalls with lots of quotations carved into stone walls. I took my medium format camera and tripod and took some photos. I then walked down to the water and took pictures of the Washington Monument and the Jefferson Memorial from afar. I should have some lovely night-light photos of DC. We drove around the loop again and stopped at the Jefferson Memorial. We drove around the loop again and went by the Kennedy Center and then over to Arlington, again. Back on this side once again we drove down Constitution until we reached a roadblock. We were searched. Dean kept saying, "We're going to get in trouble." "Don't drive this way." We drove around the Capitol, saw the Supreme Court and the Library of Congress. The Supreme Court is very supreme. The Capitol was pretty awesome, all lit up at night. It was like in a movie, except for Dean saying, "Don't go this way!" in the backseat. We drove back down Independence and went past all the fabulous museums which we will never get to fully explore until the kids are like 20.

One more time around the Lincoln Memorial and we finally made our way onto Constitution where we could catch a glimpse of the White House. It was dark and faraway.

Oh, yeah. Did I mention we saw the Ruby Slippers?

So far, not too many things have changed since I was here in school. Ding. Ding. The tour trolley rolls on. We're going to get together with some friends this evening. Looking forward to that. We fly back tomorrow night.

I'm just a bill.

Whew. We've finally arrived in our final destination for this trip. We rolled into the Wyndham D.C. at 2am this morning.

Yesterday was a fabulous day. I woke early and sans family hopped on the subway and went to B&H Photo. A little background: I order most of my photography equipment from them and always get my film there. It was strange walking into the place, sort of like meeting someone you've been corresponding with or talking to on the phone for a long time but never seen face-to-face. I bought some film and mailers. Mostly I just wanted to see their massive inventory of equipment and drool.

On the way back I happened by a KMart which was a stroke of lukc because they had an umbrella stroller for $9.99. We've been having stroller issues because ours is just too big and unwieldly for the sleek NY lifestyle we've been enjoying. The problem is that Baby A has maxed out the weight limit for the front pack and after carrying her all day on Tuesday, Dean and I weren't looking forward to more of the same. After coming back to Grand Central with stroller in hand, I stopped at Starbucks and, lo and behold, NYC Starbucks employees do know how to make a toffee nut latte, even if it isn't on the menu. So, an early start, my latte and I was set. Back at the hotel things were put together relatively quickly and we checked our baggage for the day with the bell desk, left the car with the valet and headed out to create another New York story.

First, we walked to Rockefeller Center, saw the Prometheus statue, Radio City Music hall and stopped in to Teuscher Chocolates (!). After that we caught the subway up to 81st Street and went to the Museum of Natural History. That was just amazing. They have a great dinosaur collection and the kids loved it! As we came out of the museum, the sky was a really funny color and I asked Dean what time it was because it seemed so dark. As we walked along we saw people start to run. Dean said, "Do you think they know something we don't?" We looked at each other and started running for the subway entrance. Just as we got under cover the deluge hit. A flood of water poured down the subway stairs. I couldn't believe how hard it rained. We'd made a good choice because that particular subway entrance was also the connector to the museum entrance. We went back into the museum and had lunch. The kids ate big piles of macaroni and cheese while Dean and I, being mature and aldultish, ate chicken nuggets and fries. When we reemerged a while later, the rain had stopped and we strolled across Central Park, heading for the Metropolitan Art museum. We almost made it, too. The second deluge gave less warning. We ran for it but were soaked. All-in-all it was a quintessential New York experience: running through Central Park in the rain. The Met was fabulous. The Robert Lehman collection was wonderful, I had especially wanted to see the Vermeer paintings, Martini's Madonna and Child, Boticelli's Annunciation and St. Elgius in his Shop. Unfortunately, our time was limited. I could spend days in that place. After the Met, we headed back to the hotel to load up the car and head out.

Leaving New York, we went to New Jersey and stopped off in a little town to visit the house where Dean lived as a child.

Many hours later, we arrived here in D.C.. So now there is a new type of terrorism coming to the Capitol: their names are Avery and Viola. See the evening news.

Tourist hell.

Battery Park-> Liberty Island->Ellis Island -> Former site of WTC ->Central Park Playground -> Central Park Zoo -> Hotel -> Empire State Building. All in one day, with two kids, using only our feet, the subway and the ferry. Are we good, or what?

It's like Grand Central Station around here.

Literally.

Today, our adventure has brought us to rest our heads at the Hyatt Grand New York. Room 2622 has never seen the likes of us. Upon arrival, we were quickly parted with $20 in tips to the various persons who assisted us in our manouevers from the car to the room.

But first, let me digress to this morning. Baby Avery woke at 7 am. I popped Dragon Tales into the dvd player and did some work on my computer. When we had everyone up and packed, we loaded the car and were on our way. We roamed around Newport, played at the plaground and gawked at the 'summer cottages'. Unbelievable. The Breakers, once owned by the Vanderbilts, was, by far, the most impressive. After Newport, we began the drive toward New York. I dozed in the backseat. When I woke, Dean had driven us quite a ways off the beaten path to a little beach. We unloaded the kids and rolled up our pant legs and went wading. It was postcard perfect. We rounded out the afternoon with a stop in Mystic. We ate seafood along the river, strolled along main street, visited a cute little bookstore and finally, ordered a Mystic Pizza to go. Oh yeah, and we ate ice cream.

So, many hours later and after several detours as we tried to navigate toward Manhattan, we drove down 42nd Street and enjoyed the dazzling after-dark light show that is Time Square. We found the Hyatt with little trouble. Unlike everywhere else we've been this past week, New York is laid out in an orderly fashion. I enjoyed my brief foray into city driving and found myself laying on the horn and swerving around pedestrians like a true New Yorker. Our room is sumptuous. Each bed has five pillows and down comforters. They have apparently just renovated. The wirless internet connection is working(obviously) and the staff has been very helpful. The tv has even cooperated with our portable dvd player.

The kids are having fun, I think. They slept alot in the car today and so are still up watching Dragon Tales for the 500th time. I held Viola up so she could see the view from our window. She had a moment of vertigo looking down to Park Ave below. The highlight for Avery today was the beach. She likes to splash around in the water and we let her get soaked from head to toe and then run naked down the beach.

Naked babies are so cute.

That's all today. I am barely coherent as it is. Goodnight from the city that never sleeps.

the hounds of new england

It was the whole Plymouth Rock scene again as our plane landed on Wednesday at the fabulouse Logan airport. I leapt from the plane, kneeled to the tarmac and kissed the hot, sweaty ground until it groaned and kissed me back. Never again will I attempt a more-than-30-minute flight with two, sleep-deprived children under the age of five without my faithful bottle of benadryl. And to any of you parents out there reading this and smugly saying to yourself, "I would NEVER drug my child to fly on an airplane." Well, screw you, I would and this is my journal, so kiss my a--.

A shuttle ride later, we were at the car rental agency. They had two vehicles available in the class I had reserved (full size). Both were not clean to my liking. I want a rental car to smell and feel like a NEW car, especially when I have to spend the next ten days schlepping around the East coast in it. The kindly manager duly noted my indignation and I tapped my toe as they sent one of the cars off to be cleaned. To my surprise, they rolled up another car- a Dodge 300 and handed me the keys. Yes, we're tooling around (Dean, the two kids and I, car seats and all) in the car that a man on the street today stopped to tell us was 'one sweet ride'.

Thursday and Friday we spent in Boston. Thursday we went to Cambridge. I explained to Viola that here was Harvard and one day she would go to big girl school here if she didn't completely schmuck up all our hopes and dreams for her. I bought her a sweatshirt in every size so she can wear one perpetually over the next 14 years. We located a Starbucks. No toffee nut lattes. Clearly these people aren't as intelligent as purported. We wandered around an old cemetary. There were some old, dead people there. Cool.

The afternoon was spent at the Boston Common and the Public Garden. Fabulous. They have these cute little swan boats. There was a great playground and a giant wading pool that was, thankfully, closed. We returned the following day prepared with bathing suits and towels. Friday we walked the Freedom Trail, went to Paul Revere's house and sat in a little cafe eating gelato and drinking wine. The highlight of the day was riding the subway.

Saturday was Rebecca's wedding. This meant a flurry of activity: getting my gear together and switching to a new hotel in Lowell. These activities required most of the morning and early afternoon. I was able to squeeze in a run in the morning. The thing I've come to realize about New Hampshire and Massachusetts is that any through street is a highway and everyone drives like they are fleeing the British. Combine this with no sidewalks and scrawny shoulders and you have an interesting running situation. I had to run down the highway to get to a residential road which circled back to that same highway in short order. Ran down the highway some more to the next residential road, same thing again. Most lovely was that along every residential road, I was barked at by every dog in every yard and chased by no less than two dogs which were roaming loose in their front yards. At one point I was being chased by a doberman pinscher, a beagle and a chihuahua. Clearly, my speedwork is coming along nicely.

After my run cum terrified dash through an Alfred Hitchcock movie come to life, we headed for the Doubletree Lowell. Turns out to be a massive brick property along the canal in downtown Lowell. Lowell is a beautiful little town if you ever get a chance to visit. I enjoyed my time there as much as any I spent in Boston. Met up with Rebecca and bridesmaids for photos. Had some fabulous lighting, overcast and flat but not too cool. Rebecca climbed over the chain and we shot some pictures on the brick butress adjacent to the canal with little waterfalls in the background. Then we were off to the ceremony site for more pictures. They were married at the Textile History Museum and it was an awesome space. The rest of the day was filled with much conjugal bliss and bad dancing by white folk. I did my share. Viola and I boogied down to all the classic wedding tunes. Even the food was good.

So Rebecca and Roland are married and the past week has had me witness two old and dear friends as happy as I have seen them. What more could I ask for? Well, how about a fabulous run through a history-laden, monument-filled, old mill town on Sunday morning. After that we were off to Salem to hang a witch or two. Salem was everything we expected and more. We spent most of our afternoon at the House of Seven Gables and walking around the downtown area.

Every little town we pass through seems to just ooze history. Every place has their little claim to fame. It's kinda cute. It kinda makes me want to move here. I want one of those huge white houses with green shutters and a rolling lawn. We rolled into Newport, RI late last night and are now enjoying the shabby chic of the Newport Marriot which is right on the water (rack rate for our room? a paltry $326 a night). We're moving on to New York after spending the day here. Wish us luck.

So long, then.

Saying goodbye is hard. Sometimes, going back to California, it feels like I am saying goodbye for the first time. We head back home tomorrow morning. Really, it is home now. It has been almost five years that we've lived in Fremont. It used to be that stepping off the plane in Seattle was coming home. Things are changing. I forget how to get places, I get lost in downtown now.

This visit has been an interesting one. I almost saw an old friend married on Saturday. There is a long story about us missing the ferry to Orcas Island and not making it to the wedding until after the ceremony was over. The story even has some fishermen and a seaplane (which sounds much more exciting without the details). Still, I saw several people I haven't seen since at least my early college days, some not since high school. I observed that we all made it, we all turned out okay. Wonderful, beautiful us. Do you rememeber those Christmas specials that used to be on when we were kids, the ones with Rudolph and the misfit toys and the abominable snowman? I recall there was one with Baby New Year who ran away because someone made fun of his big ears. I think it was in that special that I got this image: a daily calendar with the pages flying off as time passes and then suddenly it's the future. Maybe not. I don't know. But anyhow, I had that strange feeling on Saturday night as we all stood there married, some of us with kids, houses, important jobs, that the past fifteen years had just been moments really. We went from being these silly highschool girls to us. It is amazing, really. And it is interesting to be around the people who knew you when you hadn't had the chance to invent yourself yet, when you were just a product of your circumstances instead of the sum of your life decisions. Yeah.

Yesterday, as I said goodbye to my parents I thought about my Grandma. She was in the hospital once, right before she moved into assisted living. She had fallen out in her yard and hadn't been able to get up. She was there for two days before someone found her. I visited her in the hospital and I remember she said, "I want my mother, even now after all these years I still want my mother." I guess even when we are adults and later when we are old, there is always that piece of us that doesn't age. There is that piece that connects us to ourselves through time, that part that doesn't believe what it sees in the mirror. I felt it yesterday, like I was leaving for camp and was already a little homesick and I didn't want to go.

We could move back, just drop everything and come on back to Seattle. But then I think: the house, Viola's school, Dean's job, my job, the horse, our lives in California which become more set every day. Be mature, be responsible. I can't just run home cause I want my mommy. I don't think I will, either. Doesn't always mean it isn't hard.