My Name is Mommy

Pieces of days.

Ugh.  Some days I have to get up early and go see clients in Napa and St. Helena.

Then I stop at the Starbucks in American Canyon and that perks me right up.  Sometimes I even get a sausage, egg and cheese breakfast sandwich.  Mostly though, I love a good vanilla latte.  On the rocks.

I can't think of anywhere I'd rather have to work than wine country.

Some days I have to work really hard and dress 'appropriately'.

Those wine festivals at Fort Mason can get downright crowded!

But, a little wine and a nice view make everything better...

And tell me, in what other industry coukd you expect a couple of these guys to be pecking on the patio doors of the Chateau all during your presentation?  (This is one of the BELOVED Ste. Michelle peacocks).

Yes, sometimes I have to work late nights and drive home in traffic...

But, at the end of the day, I get to come home...

Have a nice meal...

and put on my new polka-dot pajamas...

and have fun with my family.   

We interrupt this cooking blog for a fashion update.

Okay, this is not really a cooking blog but that seems to be the main attraction around here lately, so I'm changin' it up.

I am now the owner of these t-strap sandals in black for under $30 from Victoria's Secret.  I was so excited to get back from Seattle and find a big box from VS waiting for me.  What else was in there? Ooo la la! Some racy lingerie? Some spicy new additions to the panty drawer? Nope. Flannel pajamas with big blue polka dots, two tank tops and a pair of cropped sweat pants for my springtime sleeping pleasure.  Oh, and some pants for work which now I'm thinking I might send back because they are a little too contoured in the hip which, well, just makes ME look a little too contoured in the hip.  And I don't need any help there.

 

But these shoes are pretty cute for how cheap they were.  I'll be able to wear them with this little number I ordered for ... hmm, I can't seem to recall now...  but wherever I ordered it from, I couldn't pass it up because look! Isn't it colorful and spring-y?  A very good transition piece, I'm thinking.  I know it is only January but, hey, it's never too soon to plan for the future.  I have to admit, I'm addicted to the tunic/babydoll with leggings thing.  It is the comfort factor that sucks me in.

One of these days really soon I'm going to take my little itty-bitty camera to school with me and shoot some of the multitudes of fashion no-no's I see every day for you.  My campus, in the heart of Hayward-ghetto-land, is brimming with examples of why skinny jeans are such a bad idea .

Speaking of tunics... I know that the word that will come to mind for some of you when you look at this is MATERNITY, but I think it is actually pretty cute.  It's on its way from Banana Republic.  We'll see about how pregnant it makes me look when it gets here. 

One nice thing about my job, aside from going to wine tastings as part of my work, is it gives me an excuse to buy clothes.  Pathetic, but at least one point in favor of continuing to work, no? 

Of course, if I ever went back to being just a student, then I would apparently have an excuse to wear super tight  jeans with my ass/hips/stomach bubbling out over the top.  Might be worth it!!

Now back to our regularly scheduled blogging...  I'm craving some of those yummy chinese pork buns:

Anyone have a good recipe?

Safe and sound...

I made it home from Seattle.

Viola and I just finished book 2 of The Boxcar Children.

Tomorrow I have to work: I'm going to the Zinfandel Appreciation tasting in San Francisco at Fort Mason.  I can't believe it is that time of year again already.  By the end of tomorrow I may just have enough corks to finish my cork board.  Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Did I mention we're going to Disneyland?  We're keeping it on the down low- the kids won't know until we get there.  We're meeting friends, Rebecca and her family there.  It's four days, but we should be able to do all of Disneyland in four days I think.  We're doing it up good: Disneyland Hotel, Disney meal plan with character breakfasts... I'm gonna get me some sequin-covered ears!

I cooked up a pot of ribollita tonight since I really did have three big loaves of stale bread lying about.  Also, threw some leeks in this time that I had forgotten to put in the stew.  For some reason, when I make a big pot of stew/ribollita/minestrone I can't help myself from cleaning all the odds and ends out of the veggie drawers. 

That's all for now. I'm tired. Exhausted really.

Things that make my heart hurt.

No, I'm not talking about McDonalds, although that qualifies.

Look, this is going to be ugly.  I'm in a hotel room again and it hasn't been the best day and it's almost 1am.

Today I was going to go on Viola's field trip to the Discovery Museum.  I hadn't committed until the last minute because I knew I had this trip, plus the classes I'm taking and so on... but I moved heaven and earth, stayed up until 3am to get work and studying done and then managed to pull it together by 8:30 am including packing for this trip so I could leave directly to school from whence I would leave directly to the airport.  So the plan was: field trip---> class ---> work in Starbucks for a couple hours ---> evening class ---> airport ---> Seattle.  I want everyone to understand what sort of organization a plan like this takes.  I had to be ready for all phases when I left the house at 8:30 am.

So, Viola and I hop into the car and off we go to school.  Come to find out THERE ISN'T ROOM FOR ME on the trip.  This is the first field trip I've ever missed with Viola AND I knew I would be leaving so I wouldn't see her before she got back.  I stood in her classroom and literally choked back tears.  I almost burst out bawling.  I really wanted to go with her.  I said I would drive, I would pay... but the museum has a strict limit on the nuber of chaperones, my paperwork had come in too late and there were parents going that hadn't gotten to go on other trips while I've been on every one. (Umm.. let's remember, usually they are begging for more parents to go and complaining that there aren't enough).

I wasn't wallowing because I didn't get my way.  It's just that I really try hard to be there.  It is important for me to be there. 

So, I go home in time to join Dean and Avery who were going on a tour of Mission Valley Montessori where we'd like Avery to go to school.  We've heard great things, the tuition is high but not as high as we pay my sster to take care of the kids.  We went and the environment was superb.  Avery looked like a kid in the candy shop, exploring all the materials they had.  By the time we finished our hour there, I was completely sold.

Come to find out there is a year-long waiting list. Okaaaay.  Well, we're on it.  But it was a crushing blow to find a place, get all excited because it solves a number of problems- like what are we going to do next year when Avery is too young for Kindergarten but has already, this year, surpassed the pre-k curriculum where she is? and then to find out, nope, we can't have it!  Not now, at least.

I had to ask, "Is there a new piece of playground equipment we can donate? A new roof we can put on to get moved up the list?" Ha ha ha. hrm.

Later I went to school.  I'm taking a seminar on Energy Resource Management because I loved my Resource Management class so much I wanted to dive a little deeper into the energy crisis issues.  Well, this is no slacker class.  It is an upper division environmental science class and the only people in there are majors I think.  So everyone takes everything very seriously.  And of course, the class goes from 6-10pm.  And of course my flight left at 9:25- so I had to duck out early.  I was counting on the 8 o'clock break to cover my escape.  Well, the prof decided to forego the break.  I had to leave class in the most conspicuous manner possible, bumping into everyone and apologizing my way out of the room while everyone stared balefully at me.

Then I got to the airport and shortly after checking my bag, realized I left my make-up bag on the counter at home.  Then I realized I left my computer IN THE CAR. Had to go back to the car to get my computer.  Went through security which tried to confiscate my 1M$ per ounce Lancome hand lotion.  Had to be walked back out of security with my 'illicit' items so I could buy a freaking sandwich bag for $0.50 at the newstand. ROBBERY!! Had to go through security AGAIN.  By the time I got to my gate they were calling me over the loudspeaker and I had to be escorted down the jetway so they could help me over the two-foot gap onto the plane.

So, the great news is that $40 later, I have make-up again bought from RiteAid. Go Loreal! Or Maybelline!   The worst part of the day was when I called home before I got on the plane to say goodbye to Viola and ask how her field trip went.  She was watching Peter Pan and got on the phone and said in quick succession, "Hi Mama, bye mama."  And that was it.  The cherry on top.

Didn't eat at the airport like I planned due to all the delays, so I just ate Jack-in-the-Crack and I'm leaking tears into my diet coke as I wrote this.  I miss my car.  I miss my MAC lipstick.  I miss my heated blanket and my novafoam mattress.  I miss my cooking for dinner and my rice pudding for dessert.  I miss Dean scritching the back of my neck to say hi when he walks behind my chair while I'm reading at the table.  I miss my girls.  I miss them sprawled next to me in the bed and Viola reading the chapter headers in the Boxcar Children.  I'm missing brushing their hair tomorrow morning and Avery saying "Hug and kiss!" in her demanding way four or five times before I leave.

I know I'll be home tomorrow night.  I know lots of people like to travel.  I know lots of people feel like it is a treat to get away for a day or two.  I'm telling you, for me, right now, this SUCKS.  I just want to be home with my family.

Okay, pity party over.  At least I'm in a nice, new hotel tonight.  There are even live pussy willows in here.  I like pussy willows, they're soft and furry like a kitten.  And I bought swedish fish at RiteAid.  And tomorrow I'll be at Ste Michelle Winery where I'll get some really kick-ass wine, all in a day's work.

And it brightened my day to see that Nancy is back. Hi Nancy!

Tomorrow will be better, right? Yep, it will be.

And for today's eating pleasure...

I had a kitchen disaster today...

Tonight I decided to cook Pineapple Glazed Chicken from the Cook's Illustrated 30 Minute Dinners cookbook.  The recipe called for honey in the glaze.  Well, when I dug our Honey Bear out of the back of the cupboard and found the thing had turned to a crystallized solid.  I popped the whole bear right into the microwave as I have done on many occasions before.  Well, I must have put it on for too long and I forgot to lift the lid.  I heard a pop and realized what was about to happen but before I could dive across the kitchen, the bear blew, completely coating the inside of the microwave.  When I opened the door of the microwave, as a final insult, the thing popped again and spattered hot honey all over me and the cupboards over the microwave.

After Dean ran to the store to buy a new Honey Bear, I finished the sauce and dinner was served.  The kid loved it.  It was a little too sweet for me- sort of a hawaiian bbq meets indian curry.  But at least the kids liked it and it was relatively yummy.  Certainly better than fast food.  And waaaaaay better than Applebees.  Anyhow, the best part is that we had steamed, white rice with it... and you know what that means. RICE PUDDING!! Woo Hoo! Now there is something I can get excited about.

Kevin Spacey is gay right? Why do I find him so alluring? 

Viola is asleep in the bed next to me and her dark hair is fanned out on the pillows and her cheeks are rosy.  She has the sweetest expression on her perfect little face.  Sometimes I think this love I have for my kids could just break me in two.

Comfort and food.

I know I've been all about the food lately.  I'm not always like this.  It's just sometimes I have to find a way to anchor myself to the earth and food is one of the ways I do that.  It has so many pleasing, comforting components.  First off, anyone who knows me knows I don't do anything if I don't do it well.  I like to cook and I like food and I both cook and eat well.  But it is also a way for me to tangibly nurture my family which is something I need because of my deep seated insecurities about my mothering skills.  That's right, surprise!  It's one of the only things I'm not sure that I can do well, but I HAVE to do it.  I can't say, "Well, this is not amongst my many varied set of skills, I'll call in a surrogate and pay her to do it."  No, it's just me, Mommy.

And with so many things up in the air right now: do I want to keep working? will Dean go to work at Google? are we staying? are we moving? am i going back to school? kids.. job... school... house.. pets... those are a few balls to keep in the air.  I just need to be able to prove that I did something good. Remember all those homecooked meals? Remember how you always had a stack of neatly folded clothes on Monday mornings? Remember how your sheets were always crisp and clean-smelling?  Because, I tell you, I don't know what the hell I'm doing and this is all going so fast and my kids don't care that my hair is perfectly coiffed and my nails are done and my suit fits me oh-just-so.  So I just do what I know I can do.  I hope this all turns out okay in the end.

So what about Sundays?  Crepe day!  We love crepes.  I made a double batch and we'll eat the leftovers with strawberries and whipped cream for dessert tonight.  This morning we had them traditional style with homemade strawberry jam or butter and powdered sugar inside.

The homecoming celebration continues...

I slept in late today and finally caught up on some of that sleep I was missing.  I woke up feeling great.  So what did I do?  Went straight to the kitchen to make lunch.

I made a couple pizzas.  I scrounged around and came up with some carmelized onions, fire-roasted red and yellow peppers, artichoke hearts, a hunk of breakfast cheese, romano and parmigiano reggiano cheese.  I brushed the crust with some olive oil and then a good dose of minced garlic, thyme and oregano and then a liberal layer of carmelized onions topped with peppers and artichoke hearts and cheeses.  Surprisingly, even the kids loved it.  The carmelized onions give it just a little sweetness and takes the edge off the peppers and garlic.  Of course, I was sad because I made another with tomatoes, garlic and pineapple and mozzarella for the kids- completely unnecessary when we could have had a second like the first.

This weekend. *sigh* I don't even kniw where to begin.  The house could use a good cleaning (that's what happens when I leave for a few days).  There is a massive pile of laundry.  I have studying to do for school and a stack of homework.  Oh, yes, and still more work-work to catch up on.  I should probably go ride my horse, too.

I better go put a stop to things.  The girls are apparently taking clothes outside because they are 'camping'. Dean just informed me they were peeing on the back lawn.  Well, duh, what are you going to do when you're camping?

What's stewin'?

Made stew for dinner.

Here I am, telling everyone to stay out of my kitchen or I'd beat them to death with my calphalon spatula.  Now, I'm not proud of these moments, but sometimes, I just need to be alone with my carrots.

Here are the virgin vegetables waiting to be sacrificed.  Stew just isn't stew if it doesn't have parsnips in it. Don't worry, I get them all really good and drunk before I send them to their fate.

And finally... the big pot of stewy goodness coming to a boil on the stove right before going into the oven for an hour or so.  Mmmm...

I'm back and not a moment too soon.

There was cold.  There was ice.  And then there was snow.  And it was time for me to go.

I'm sitting in Starbucks nursing a jet-lag hangover, trying to catch up on work e-mail and figure out the question, "What am I going to make for dinner?"  And it has to be good.  I'm so glad to be home.  It calls for a celebration dinner, if nothing else.

If there is such a thing as heaven on earth, I found it this morning when Avery crawled into my bed and snuggled up with me.  See, Mr. Wolfe, you really can go home again.

From my hotel room at 2am.

I hate this.  It is nearly 2am and I have an 8am meeting but really it is only 11pm my usual time so I'm hardly sleepy, especially since I took a nap from about 10-11.

Made it to NY without incident.  My meetings have been going well.  We all went out to dinner tonight at a nice Italian place where I had a decent bowl of minestrone and just so-so pasta with bolognese.  Now I'm eating animal crackers and a giant apple.

At least I found the Starbucks near my hotel and didn't have to drink any of that Dunkin' Donuts crap coffee.  :) 

I miss my girls.  Avery has been throwing a bunch of tantrums since I left, apparently.  I'm prepared, though.  The Stop N Shop had Polly Pockets- those plus a couple of I Heart NY t-shirts should quiet the natives upon my return.

It's really cold here.  I mean REALLY.  And, of course, I was running late for my flight on Tuesday and forgot my gloves and my scarf.  My fabulous rental car takes forever to warm up so by the time I get from the hotel to our offices here, my body is a solid block of ice.

I almost fell down in the parking lot tonight.  That would be fun, flying home with a broken arm/ankle.

Inconclusive

So, the tests results came back and the biopsies were all negative.  All twelve of them or whatever.  No cancer, not there at least.  My colon has a clean bill of health which is a good thing because NO ONE IS GOING THROUGH THAT DOOR AGAIN UNTIL I'M TOO OLD OR TOO DEAD TO KICK & SCREAM AND BITE.

Other tests came back from blood I had taken and my anemia has worsened.  Didn't think I could get any lazier, didya?  I think the doctor thought I was exaggerating about the amount of intestinal bleeding I'm experiencing.  These test results, however, seem to make him pay attention.

So now I have more tests scheduled to thoroughly assess my upper GI tract.  I knew it was going to be like this, starting over with a new doctor and having to go through a bunch of poking and prodding. 

I'm leaving on a 7:30 flight for New York tomorrow and will be there until Thursday or Friday.  I was going to make some other stops but in light of my health and the fact that it is WAY TOO COLD out that direction, I'm just going to get my business done and get home.  It's better anyway since I have a trip to Seattle the following week.  I'm not looking forward to dragging my sorry self to the airport tomorrow at that hour and then across the country. Boo. Hiss.

I needed some comfort food tonight.  For me, nothing does it better than a big bowl of soup or stew.  I love a big stew of beef, carrots, potatoes and parsnips.  Tonight, however, I got back to my roots and whipped up a big pot of ribollita, complete with some big chunks of 'stale' sourdough bread (okay, I left it out to dry today and then toasted it a bit).

I adore mine with some fresh, minced onion on top and then sprinkled with parmigiano reggiano(freshly grated of course).

Yes, this is my secret to getting my kids to eat zucchini, white beans and kale. Yes, you read that right, my kids scarf this stuff down and it has KALE in it.

Industrious.

That's me today.  I'm a little nervous about my doctor's appt. which they asked me to come in for so they could discuss my test results.  That sounds a little ominous but whatever, maybe they just need to pad their margins.

I woke up early this morning and took my opportunity with having a day off from work to clean.  About five trash bags later, the girl's room is done.  What's crazy is that I KNOW for a fact that they don't have nearly as many toys as alot of their friends.  Like their mama and papa, however, they manage to squirrel away clutter at every opportunity.  I piled all the stuffed animals in the middle of the living room and said, "Pick five each."  Now, I thought five was pretty generous.  However, Avery is at an age, I once read, where they identify strongly with their physical possessions and to be able to imagine getting rid of a beloved teddy bear might make her question whether we might just discard her, as well.  So I may have let her keep a couple extra, based, of course, on my pop-psych analysis of the situation.  I finally purged the shelves of all the board books.  I got rid of anything and everything smaller than a half-dollar except for Viola's Polly Pockets since that would have been everything.  But now, everything is stored away tidily and the trash has been taken out and we can walk through their room again.

Now what to do with the rest of the house?

Darn, time to get ready for my doctor's appointment.

Aha!

Today started out to be just a so-so kinda day.  And then I remembered I made chocolate mousse  last night and it should be ready for eatin' now!

*bounce*

Bitch.

Sorry, don't mean to be the big poster today.  I'm acting like a total bitch today.  I feel entitled.  The girl who decided to lease Cosette called me today and says she wants to take ownership of her, permanently.

I'm mad that I have to give my horse away.  I'm mad that I can't keep her like I want to.  Even though I'm grateful that I've found such a great home for her and just the right person, it just kills me.

I'm going to go self-medicate now. Put us all out of our misery.

Someone stop me, PLEASE!

I'm begging you. I want latkes. Yes, those yummy fried potatoe pancakes.  I am about to assemble the food processor and get to the grating of the potatoes.

I will be in bed moaning later.  Why?  Because I have no control and I will eat ALL the latkes even though I make extra for 'later' or 'tomorrow'.

Then I will be very sick.

Here goes anyway.

Help a sista out!

And I'll send you some wine... some *really* *good* wine. Keep in mind I have private vineyard selections from my clients that you can't buy, ANYWHERE.

I want to start a peripheral blog to post what's for dinner, recipe finds, plead for help with failures and post pictures of my pretty food.  That's right, I want to start a "Mommy, what's for dinner?" blog.  And I need a banner.

Make me one- a good one that I end up using and I'll pack up this empty wine shipper sitting next to me with a couple of bottles of some heavenly vin and put your name and address on the label.  Girl Scout Cookies of your choosing if you aren't into wine.

Please, someone, help!  Oh, and I want something that will go with my current design... Anyone? Anyone?

Which Tarot Card am I?

You are Strength

Courage, strength, fortitude. Power not arrested in the act of judgement, but passing on to further action, sometimes obstinacy.

This is a card of courage and energy. It represents both the Lion's hot, roaring energy, and the Maiden's steadfast will. The innocent Maiden is unafraid, undaunted, and indomitable. In some cards she opens the lion's mouth, in others she shuts it. Either way, she proves that inner strength is more powerful than raw physical strength. That forces can be controlled and used to score a victory is very close to the message of the Chariot, which might be why, in some decks, it is Justice that is card 8 instead of Strength. With strength you can control not only the situation, but yourself. It is a card about anger and impulse management, about creative answers, leadership and maintaining one's personal honor. It can also stand for a steadfast friend.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Of course this is me. Wll, duh!  Thanks, Rebecca, for the link to this!

Scout Angst

I'm glad I didn't go to Viola's scout meeting on Tuesday.  Her brownie troop did nut sales back in the fall.  Viola sold about $70 worth of nuts to friends and family.  Well, they handed out the recognitions on Tuesday.  Viola got a certificate as did a number of the girls.  A select few got patches and the leader's daughter got prizes- like a stuffed panda bear (apparently).

Okay. A certificate? For a six-year-old?  You might as well have given her a few sheets of toilet paper.  Why couldn't she at least have been given a patch? 

I hate this competitive bullshit.  I was never the kid who had a mom and dad who took cookies and calendars and candy bars to work and sold them for me so I could win a $3 bubble gum dispenser $500 later.  And I would never do that for Viola- if she wants to sell cookies at my office, she's going to have to out on her uniform and come to work with me.  But she's going to. Because IT'S ON.  And if it means I have to buy a hundred cases and that's all we eat for the next twenty years, I don't care.  My kid isn't going to be the one getting the goddamn certificate again.

I just don't get why they couldn't at least have given them all a patch.  I mean, you'd think $70 dollars would cover a little iron-on patch.

argh.

Girl Scout Cookies

Come on, you know you want some!!  We start pre-sales tomorrow.  That's right, my little brownie will be selling cookies.  See below for details!  Buy some!

How you know you ate too much at dinner:

When you have to pull the car over to the side of the road when driving back from the Indian food restaurant to throw up on the curb.

leftovers.

So the sausage-lentil-spinach stew was twice as good today.  Sometimes things just need to rest a bit to reach their full potential.  Viola even ate it without complaining.  She took the leftover rotini with tomato & artichoke sauce that I made in the middle of the night for a snack on Saturday for her lunch at school.  I'm still unclear as to whether she eats this stuff cold.

Tonight I made something quite divine.  Another Sara's Secrets recipe- Cider Braised Chicken which I served simply with rice and steamed broccoli(with a little cheese sauce).  This chicken dish is to die for.  I think the secret is using chicken thighs and then the whole cooking it forever part to make the meat just fall off the bone.  Other ingredients were slices of apple, cider, rosemary and onions.  Oh! And I almost forgot the bacon!  Bacon makes everything better.  Seriously.  I lovce making stuff with bacon because it just tastes so damn good.  Yes, it might kill you, but at least you'll die happy.

In other news... it was Monday. I worked. I spent a good protion of my afternoon trying to wrangle arrangements for my upcoming business trips- one to NY the week of the 15th and one to Seattle the following week.  And I'm still not over having to travel at the holidays... hotels give me the heebie jeebies.  I want to spray everything with lysol and roll myself in a tub of hand sanitizer when I stay in one.  I mean, I know the transgressions we've committed in hotel rooms, god only knows what other people have done.

Oh, my belly.

Today felt like a non-stop day.  We went out to Rocking S in the morning to sign all the lease papers and drop off Cosette's tack.  After thatt, it was on to Indian Hills Ranch where I rode Apollo and had a lesson with Erica Poseley.  She is just so awesome, I can't even describe it.  She had Apollo doing shoulder-in to correct his dislike of putting weight on his inside hind- totally cured the problem and he looked like such a little dresage horse tho he is nothing of the sort.

After the ranches we braved Costco.  There was a frightening moment when a Chinese couple got in a shouting match with an East Indian couple on the baking aisle because someone ran into someone else.  I thought there was going to be a Costco-rage incident so I got the hell outta there.  One of the older ladies handing out samples of organic tomato sauce confided in me about her niece's nine-year-old who is getting boobs because her mom doesn't buy enough organic products.  I bought twelves jars, on the spot.

I did make a find- emergency food packs.  They had packs of food that will feed an adult for three days.  These will be perfect for our emergency backpacks which I have been rotating a variety of nutrition bars in and out of over the past few years.  It is time to update them, though.  The kids have almost surely outgrown the extra change of clothes stashed in there.

After Costco, I came home and made dinner.  I made a fabulous stew with italian sausage, lentils and baby spinach.  It was great with heaps of hot sauce.  Viola was not thrilled but Avery proclaimed, "Mom! I love your dinner!"  We also had risotto milanese but I threw in some red wine, as well.  I know what I'll be getting into for my midnight snack later.  I've been craving risotto all week so this really hit the spot.

I cleaned the kitchen from top to bottom after all that.  No energy left for laundry tonight but I suppose I can at least throw in a load so the girls have clothes this week.

I really did eat too much.  My belly hurts.  It's all big and full.

What's a mommy to do?

I just found someone who has started another blog called My Name is Mommy! Egads! There can't be two of us!

Oh, just have another one!

What is it with people telling me I should have another kid? 

Let's face it.  I'm never going to be Mother-of-the-Year.  My kids will be lucky if they only have to spend 10% of their inheritance on mental health services. (as we speak I'm letting Avery drink out of my diet coke)

After Viola was born, I did want to have another one.  Not right away, but when Viola got to be about a year old I started thinking, "Gee..."

That just hasn't happened with Avery.  Of course, I love little babies.  I occasionally want to kidnap them, especially when I see them in the arms of their incompetent teenaged mothers.  Mostly though, I just wish that every now and then I could travel back in time to when my girls were that small and smell their tiny heads again and watch them sleep with their fists balled up and their arms flung wide with their chubby cheeks and wrists.  But no number of new babies will take me back there.  And no number of new babies can erase the mistakes I've made with Viola and Avery.  I think sometimes we just like to have a clean slate, a fresh start.  The fact of the matter is that being a parent is always a work in progress and my children will bear the wounds of my learning.  Nope, a new baby won't fix that.

What I have found is that as my girls get older, I like them more and more as people and less because they are cute and bobbly.  I really don't need anything more.

And God smiled and I said "It was good."

Today, that is.  So, looks like we've finally found a situation for Cosette.  I've got tears leaking out the corners of my eyes as I write this because I am both broken-hearted and tremendously happy.  We've had Foxy and Cosette at Rocking S Ranch off of Vargas Rd. in Fredmont for a while now.  Shelly, the fabulous owner of the place, has been working her tush off to get some weight back on Cosette which is no small feat given that it's winter and she's a hot-burning TB and she has not one, but four, hollow legs.  We rally haven't had time to do right by Cosette.  I've been hoping my health gets better, but even if it does and I become super-woman again, life seems to get busier and busier with other things.  Apollo is really taking all my time and Dean is more nterested in working with Foxy and the girls just aren't old enough to take care of a horse on their own yet. 

Cosette does best and deserves to have someone who will pay her the attention she deserves, spoil her, ride her, groom her.  Gone are the days before Apollo returned to me when I would spend an hour just brushing and fussing over her.  She really is one of the best horses I've ever known and if we were infinitely rich, I'd find some way to make it work(like buy my own ranch).  But damn it, we're not and she's not getting the attention she deserves.  So Shelley put us in touch with someone interested in a horse.  Now, we've had lots of interest in her- lot of people want a cheap horse- but I'm seriously picky.  So this girl shows up today- Nicole.  She's a teacher, fresh out of college, no other commitments.  Wants a horse she can work with every day.  I watched her ride and she, being a former pony clubber, was great even though she hasn't been on a horse in 6 months.  Cosette was a perfect angel and slipped right back into being the perfect english pleasure horse.  She picked up her leads correctly every time and was very patient with her new rider.  The best part was that when we sealed the deal, she broke down in tears.  She had such good things to say about Cosette- and that's what I want for her, someone who will see all her good points over anything else.

The best part is that we worked out a lease, so at least for the time being, Cosette will still be ours, our financial burden will be less and Cosette will be getting what she needs.  And when the time comes, I just have a really good feeling that Nicole will be someone who, if she takes Cosette, will love her like I do.

Just an aside...

anyone else think maybe going for the bargain LASIK surgery- maybe a bad idea?  What's up with that? Not really the place I'd be looking to scrimp. 

And the weekend arrives not a moment too soon.

What was I thinking?  I made tri-tip in a red wine sauce with peas, baby onions and artichoke hearts.  Of course, we had to have mashed potatoes with that.  Oh, I know what I was thinking... "Gee, I'd like to sit up all night with a massive case of heartburn after stuffing my craw with meat and potatoes slathered in the richest sauce known to man". Yeah, that's it.  Where did I put those damn Tums?

Th girls went to the Little Gym tonight.  I am still not feeling quite normal(will I ever feel normal again after that?) so Dean and I stayed home, snuggled up and watch The Descent.  I was envisioning an edge-of-my-seat thriller but more along the lines of claustrophobic-paranoid-but-nothing-actually-there-kinda-horror instead of the weird-blind-gooey-white-flesh-eating-mutant-cave-dwelling-human-monster-things-killing-everyone.  A little disappointing but entertaining nonetheless.  Still not sure quite why it got such high ratings on RottenTomatoes.com.  But whatever, I guess you don't have to be too great to be better than most everyone else in the horror genre.

When the girls got back from the gym, Viola and I read four chapters from book 2 of The Boxcar Children series.  She loves those books.  They are so old-fashioned, but I'm glad she's into those instead of something less wholesome where, gosh, I don't know the BOYS do the cooking and the girls build the fire or go off to work. Ew. I just can't get over how well Viola reads.  It's probably not exceptional, it's just I have this whole sense of continuity from the point at which she could only burble and spit her oatmeal at me.  And now she can read.  Amazing.

I put on a pair of pants today and they about fell off.  Hmm, maybe this has something to do with the special diet of clear liquids and then gallons of Fleet's phosphosoda I was on earlier this week.  Move over Bob Greene, I'm writing a book- "Drop a pant size! Oh wait, no! Drop your pants entirely! with the new BOWEL PREP DIET!"

See me next on Oprah.

Let them eat gnocchi.

I'm recuperated.  I don't know why, but the cooking helps.  It's those italian genes, I guess.  Everything is better with a big pile of food around.  So tonight I made gnocchi.  I love gnocchi.  They are about the most dense, filling, yummiest thing ever.  I love watching them bob around in a giant pot of boiling water.  I made tomato sauce fresh in the food processor with cherry tomatoes, roma tomatoes, onion and garlic and simmered it with a healthy dose of olive oil til it was juuuuuust right.  The best part of making your own gnocchi is you can make 'em as big or little as you want to.

I had planned to make some Cook's Illustrated Fast Macaroons for dessert to dip into a little chocolate fondue, but for some reason I couldn't find any damned cornstarch.  I know I have a giant box of it somewhere unless someone absconded with it and didn't tell me.  So, no dessert. Bad mommy.

Dean went around and replaced all the lightbulbs with energy-saving flourescent bulbs.  The inside of our house looks a little green to me now, but I suppose I'll get used to it.  It will save us some money and save some energy and that can't be a bad thing after hearing about that big ice shelf breaking off in the arctic or whereever.

Sear's came today and gave me a quote on new windows. $15K. Yes, 15!! Can you believe that?  They are some pretty nice windows though, not sure how much I'll be putting the whole "will stop a 22 caliber bullet" thing to the test.  If tht was a problem in this neighborhood, I wouldn't be looking for new windows, I'd be looking for a new neighborhood.

The day after.

Well, okay, I wouldn't wish that on anyone.  Here's the deal.  I'm pretty sure I spent about 30 or 40 minutes in agony.  I do remember 'waking up' screaming a couple of times and being told, "Don't worry, you won't remember this."  Come on folks, do you think the goal should be spending 30 to 40 minutes screaming in pain and NOT REMEMBERING? Or how about just not being in agony at all, period?  I would vote for option 2.  Apparently the medical establishment feels any torture of patients is fine as long as 1. they can't muster enough resistance to physically get away and 2. they don't remember *too* much afterward.  So, yes, despite the FACT that the intestines can't feel pain, I can attest to the FACT I felt them as they were snipping into mine.  And while I was too drugged up to grab hold of anyone and hurt them, I sure wanted to.

Yes, I'm a little bitter over the whole thing.

So what did I do?  Come home and sleep for a few hours and then get started cooking.

I made Middle Eastern Pizza from the Sara's Secrets cookbook.  Avery helped make the pizza dough in the food processor and they were suitably in awe of how huge the dough got half an hour later(thank you fast-acting yeast).  Viola chopped up carrots, parsnips and onions, tossed them with oil and kosher salt and spread them in a pan and we roasted those.  The Middle Eastern Pizza was different but pretty fabulous- tomatoes, bell pepper, onion mixed with lamb and spread on top of the pizza dough. 

For dessert we had gingerbread pancakes and butterscoth apples also from the same cookbook.

Good stuff.

It's rainy today so I think I'm going to work from home again and recuperate a bit more. 

December Highlights

December was a stressful month.  Hope you didn't miss me too much.  I was too busy baking pile of Christmas cookies, packing for our Christmas sojourn to Seattle and cleaning up barf to write anything here.

You're glad I didn't write.  It would have all sounded like a bunch of pathetic whining from a stressed-out-over-worked-sleep-deprived-slightly-manic-barf-covered mommy.

Yes, did everyone hear about the Norovirus outbreak here in Northern Cali?  Well, we stuck around just long enough for both girls to catch it in time for both of them to be in the throes of it as we arrived in California.  Sure enough, we got Dean's parents, Dean's sister, my mom and dad and both of my sisters and my parents next-door-nieghbor and twenty of her relatives sick.  Merry Christmas everyone!  Our gift to you? Finally getting rid of those last 5 pounds you just couldn't shed. Muahahaha. Ha. Hrm.

I would say it was nice to see everyone but we sent lots of time in our hotel and after realizing that we were carriers of the worlds-most-infectious-gastroenteritis decided not to visit everyone we knew.

We had big plans for Seattle.  We were going to do fun stuff like visit Zoo Lights and go Ice Skating.  Ice Skating isn't much fun with barfy kids.

Christmas was okay, except for Mom having to periodically get up to use the bathroom and all her moaning and groaning from the recliner inbetween.  The girls were very excited to see that Santa had come and left them roller skates and a pogo stick and a big pile of plastic vegetables "for the play kitchen he'd delivered to our house back in Fremont"(he wrote in a note).  I got some good loot, too!  Beautiful diamond and onyx earrings from Dean per the usual Christmas jewelry in the stocking thing.  A necklace from Tiffany's from my Mom. Copies of "The Lexus and the Olive Tree" and "Bush and the Constitution" from Dean. A skinny, black, snakeskin belt and bottle of Be Delicious perfume from Erica.  Workout clothes and a pair of sparkly swarovski crystal earrings from Natalie.  Victoria's Secret nylons from Erica, a Henry Emile dutch oven from my parents... and on and on. Good stuff, all of it.  I was really touched that everyone had gone out of their way to get me sch thoughtful stuff that I really liked... everything is stuff I will use and wear regularly.  How often does that happen?  Seriously?  It made me feel like my family was really thinking about me.

Okay, but I had fun giving gifts this year, too.  My best gift? Well, Dean finally got his HD plasma tv.  It isn't huge, but it is a Pioneer which is supposed to be the best.  I hope it is worth every penny.  God knows, we watch enough tv, it should be a good investment.  Just can't wait to get the HD Tivo to go with it.  I gave my mom and two sisters iPod Nanos that I ad personalized for them.  They got iTnes gift certificates to go with them.  Everyone got VS pajamas from me, as well.  With Dean's family this year we had a rule that everything had to be handmade.  Not sure that anyone else really did that much 'making' of gifts.  Dean and I spent hours making those fringed tied fleece blankets.  I knitted a few scarves... the girls made beaded necklaces and bracelets and painted pictures which I put into frames.  If nothing else, I had alot of fun with them in the process.

We got back yesterday and I'm still recovering.  I worked from home today as I'm going in tomorrow for a procedure and had to do one of those really fun preps where you don;t eat anything all day and when you're really cranky, dizzy and hungry you swig down a bottle of pure saline laxative and try not to paint the bathroom with it.  I jut can't wait for the moment when they inject whatever sweet sedtive they're going to give me tomorrow and I can go to the land of oblivion.

I'm scared as hell to be honest.  I'm scared it is going to hurt, even though I know that's stupid since they are sedating me.  I just keep imaging myself sedated enough that I can't tell them I'm in excruciating pain.  I'm also scared of what they are going to find and what comes next.  I know this is illogical, but it is how I feel.  My anemia has continued to get worse.  I fainted twice while I was in Seattle, once in the middle of a crowded mall when I was by myself.  I came to with mall security radioing for an ambulance and it took all of my powers of persuasion to convince them that I really was just fine. 

Tonight I relieved my stress by cooking up a massive dinner for the family, despite the fact that I couldn't eat one bite of it.  I made a huge chicken-pot-pie with big fluffy biscuits on top instead of a crust- baked to gooey goodness in my le creuset dutch oven.  Then I made a big pan of pecan squares for dessert- basically pecan pie filling poured over crushed graham crackers and baked.  At least I'll have something to eat when I get home from the hospital!

So, I'm back now and I'll be around.  Sorry for the long silence.  Sometimes the troops just need to regroup, I guess.