I went back to the doctor today. I've got yet another procedure scheduled for this coming wednesday- an endoscopy. They are holding off on blood transfusions and surgery until they see what they find there. I'm in some strange holding pattern. I have another appointment with another specialist on the 9th.
I'll be taking a leave from work. My doctor signed my short-term disability release today, so that's that. That is, actually, a relief.
I'm really annoyed and frustrated with my body right now.
I know I am a huge baby, but today when they were talking about blood transfusions yet again, I got so panicky. I wanted to jump up and run out of the room. I felt like I was outside of myself. Why does the thought of a blood transfusion terrify me so much? I guess on some level I've always thought of it as the gateway of some sort- the gateway to worse things. I'm absolutely freaked out about catching some disease, and I know the risks, and I know I'm being irrational especially after they say words like 'critical' and 'die' with regards to my current state..
And I completely lost my temper with Viola today. So much so that we made an agreement that if I start to lose my temper again, she gets to say, "Mom, you're losing your temper". and I have to go in the other room until I've found my temper again. That is our agreement. Because, to be honest, I am so all over the place right now that I don't even know sometimes when I am being a completely unreasonable bitch. And sometimes I do know and it's like I'm watching myself, saying- why are you acting like this? and I still can't stop. But I will keep to our agreement.
The girls went to the Little Gym tonight and Dean and I laid around and watch the Illusionist. It was good.. I'm off to the grocery store now to buy black licorice which I've been craving like no one's business.