My Name is Mommy

Brain block.

I'm having a crisis.  And look, it isn't even 5am.  I'm taking this web photojournalism class and I have to pitch a story.  Said story has be preferably centered around a person.  My first idea was to show the evolution of a relationship but, uh, now I'm having second thoughts. 

Went to class last night and class was good.  This class is not at Hayward and have to say, I am struck by two things- the absolute pretentiousness of some of my classmates and the nice digs that spending an absolute fortune on your education will buy you.  I am not convinced that the quality of the education is superior, either.  My experiences at Hayward have been such that even I was surprised.  Don't know if it is the effect of the whole must-truly-love-what-I-am-doing-to-teach-at-a-poor-state-school but the professors I've had at Hayward have been excellent and certainly earnest.  The quality of student is quite different and that makes a difference in the overall quality of the class, but the tools are all there.  Ultimately, it seems to be reputation that you're paying for at more expensive universities and I guess that counts for something out in our superficial, class-stratified world.  I guess it should be a relief to know that quality educators are available all across the spectrum of socioeconomic environments.  Still, can't shake the slimy feeling I get when I think of someone who worked their ass off for their degree(in my romanticized version- while working a fulltime job and being a single mom) at Hayward going up one of those pretentious people who happen to have the 'right' school stamped on their diploma and not standing a snowball's chance.  Makes me throw up in my mouth a little.  But, guess that's how we keep our classes stratified.  As Dean points out, "That's the way it works."  Indeed.

I'm pissed at Jenny right now because she is not sleeping with her pups.  She is the worlds worst mama!  Geez.  At least there are six of them to cuddle up.  Could it be weaning time already?  They sure are chowing down on the puppy chow and running around like no one's business.  It's like herding cats around here... or, uh, puppies.

I'd like s'mores please.

Sunday.  Sunday is a notoriously lazy day.  Sure, sometimes I clean the bathroom, sometimes I do a load of laundry.  Usually there is sleeping in late, reading of books and watching of movies- at least in the winter when it is raining.  Yesterday, Shawn called to see if I wanted to go for a ride today, so i was like "Of course!" Always up for a ride!  He called at 9am this morning and woke me up.  That's right people! I slept in until 9-freaking-AM!  Anyhow, managed to get shower and out to Livermore around ten-ish and we loaded up the horses and headed out to the park.  The park was fantastic- the weather broke for us briefly and the sun actually shone through which was fantastic.  Shawn rode Foxy and she was splendidly well-behaved and just gorgeous despite her being all muddy.  She's no quarter horse.  Liz rode Power and I have to say, that guy is a seriously awesome trail horse- totally rock solid. Liz and I went out to Starbucks after and it was absolutely pouring so it felt a little like the universe smiled on us so we could get our ride in.  Liz and I chatted for a while which is always fab.  Have to say, I am so jealous of her long ponytail that she can put through the back of her hat, so casual-chic. 

Got home and Dean and I rounded the kids up in about 30 minutes flat.  We had planned to go to the Monterey aquarium but realized y the time we got there we'd only have a couple hours and a couple hours- just never enough.  So, I came up with the fantastic alternative plan- the beach.

So, we get to this fabulous beach and get out, go to the bathroom and up drives the ranger and tells us the park is closing! WHAT!? We'd just driven over an hour and she's telling us we have five minutes to pack it up.  So, off with the shoes and everyone runs down to the water and gets all wet and sandy.  Cause it wouldn't be a trip to the beach if we didn't bring half of it home with us in the car.

But, we're not the sort to be thwarted by Ranger Meany-Pants, oh no.  So, we turn onto 1 and drive a few miles up the road to Half Moon Bay.  We drive through the Ritz parking lot discussing whether or not we can park there and use their beach access.  Looks too tricky, so we continue down the road to Poplar Beach.  The gate has a big sign saying it closes at six.  So Dean drops me and the girls in the parking lot with all of our crap and heads out to park the car in the adjacent neighborhood somewhere.  The girls and I drag the huge box of firewood down a cliff to the beach.  We get our blanket spread out and start working on the fire.  Viola, girl scout that she is, advises me on the proper way to construct a fire.  Heh.  The wind, however, is not cooperating.  When Dean gets there, we move the fire over to the base of the cliff where it is somewhat sheltered and we get the thing blazing.  Of course, I brought the graham crackers, marshmallows and chocolate bars.  Dean gets the assembly line going.  Think we did pretty well- got through about three quarters of a bag of marshmallows and three full chocolate bars.

  I got a weird feeling that the clouds were getting ominous, don't know how since it was absolutely pitch black- but told everyone we needed to wrap it up.  We were just throwing our gear in the suburban when the rainstorm hit.  Was a good thing we'd gotten ahead of it because, whew, it poured.  The girls dozed on the drive back and Dean and I listened to music and chatted.  Came home and got the girls fed leftover chicken & broccoli then into the tub.  Now everyone is clean and ready for a fresh week.  Was a great Sunday.

Now it's time to do that laundry.

In the blink of an eye.

Got back from Dallas late on Tuesday- well, early Wednesday if you want to be technical about it.  Spent the rest of the week working from home and trying to catch up.  Made alot of work for myself in Dallas it would seem.

I drove all over looking for a Starbucks on my way to the airport.  All I have to say is that the freeway system there is screeeeewed up.  I would be lost all the time if I lived there.  Did find the Starbucks and got my black tea lemonade which was a good thing because by the time I got to the gate, all the food places in the airport were apparently closed- and I was there before 8pm.  What's up with that?  Not too fond of airports that don't have Starbucks and don't have food. 

Both girls were asleep when I got home.   The puppies were all running amuck.  They get bigger each day it seems and they are chewing on everything and all about the barking and tail-wagging.  My favorite little guy always comes over to the laundry room step, puts his paws up on the step, wags his tail and brks until he loses his balance and falls over- this when I open the door to say hi to them.  Puppies everywhere.

Got alot of work done this week, was productive.  The weather has been crappy, crappy though and so it feels like we've been a bit cooped up. 

Dean and I sent the kids off to Parent Survival Night at the gym and we stayed home, ate indian food on the bed, watched a movie and talked.  Sometimes I try to remember what we did when we didn't have kids- seems like so long ago and really we had quite a few years together with no kids.  What exactly did we do?  Hm.

Big plans for tomorrow but shhh... it's a secret.  I'll put up pictures tomorrow night.

My web photjournalism class has started.  Planning to put together a story on marriage- how apropos, no?  I'll try to get it up here when it is a finished product.  Should be interesting.

Everything's bigger in Texas.

Heh. Heh.  Ya know what I mean?

Next time I get a new job it will not involve any travel outside my time zone.  Well, unless it crosses an ocean. Yeah. And a four star hotel.

I have that icky i-ve-been-in-a-conference-room-all-day-with-the-blinds-drawn-don't-know-if-it-is-day=or-night feeling.  Everyone thought I was crazy for walking from the hotel to the office where we met.  It was a little chilly but it was nice, brisk.  I meandered a bit, went to Starbucks.  Nice.  And so glad I did because it was the only time I saw the outdoors all day.  Was in the conference room by 8am and left after 6pm by which time it had started to rain.

Went to dinner at Lawry's and yes, ate prime rib.  Had horseradish, too.  Mashed potatoes and creamed corn on the side and pecan pie for dessert.  Let me just say, when you are sitting at a big table mostly surrounded by men from Texas, Missouri, Iowa, Kansas, etc. do NOT take the bait when they ask you what you think of Hilary Clinton.

I was so tired last night that I don't even remember getting from my computer to the bed.  Didn't manage to turn down the covers or turn off any lights and was terribly confused when my wake-up call came at 6:30.  Tomorrow: wake-up call at 5am.  I'll be on a flight home at 9pm tomorrow.

Home. I love home.

The box under the bed.

Do you have a box under your bed?  My box has all sorts of special things in it.

Birthday cards and marathon bibs, kids artwork and loose photographs.  There are cards from the girls' baby showers, move ticket stubs and Disneyland tickets.  The outfits both girls wore home from the hospital are in there, one of Ave's first ballet shoes, a medal Viola won at the Little Gym.  There is Viola's lopped off ponytail in a plastic bag from when she decided she wanted a bob, this card from Dean:

There was once a curious monkey.  Everyone knew her as Bunky.  I gave her da money cause she was my honey.  She lost it playing blackjack while drunky.

That was on a Barnes & Noble gift card cover that was in my stocking a couple of Christmases back.

All the girls ribbons from swim school are in there, our name tags from the TiVo Christmas party last year,  a paper I wrote on the movie "Crash" for my Human Rights & Social Justice class.  Elise's wedding invitation, birth announcements from the Chymiy kids, anniversary cards.  A bead necklace Vi made in preschool, birthday cards from my Mom, the little photo album full of friend and family pictures that I carried with me on all my travels to remind me of where home was, a pin from Amazing Bay Day with Vi's girl scout troop... and so many more little things, years worth of letter, notes, cards mementos of my life.

The box is about full, time to start a new one.  It's funny the things we save.  If someone were to look through this box when I died I think it would tell them alot- who my family is, who my friends are, what people thought of me, how my girls grew and how much I treasured them-- how much I treasure all the people in my life that a card with a scribbled name on it brings me happiness to look at years later.  This box, this is what I would take with me- and of course, all my photo albums.  But this is my box of love, sent to me and my family and the little things that remind me of happy times with the people most dear to me.

If you don't have a box, best get one now.  It goes by quick- you don't want to forget how much you were loved.

Critter Time.

We went to Critter Time storytime at the Barnes and Ignoble tonight. They had snacks and art projects and read stories.  And of course, it's right next door to the Starbucks. Ave was super tired so we had to call it an early evening.  She's already crashed on the couch.   We did stop at In-N-Out on the way home to get cheeseburgers. Yum.

We're going to try and do movie night again, this time without the falling asleep.  Not sure what the movie du jour is but I hope it's something funny.  Maybe I'll get that rice pudding made later since we have eggs!

Working from home.

Dean and I are working side-by-side today here at home.  We're both patked at the new counter.  I often work from home but Dean stayed so he could do Math Center at Vi's school today and then he'd promised her class he would arrange a boys vs. girls soccer game at lunch recess.  He came home dripping in sweat with a big smile on his face.  I am so going next week.

Then I sent him to the grocery store.  This is what he brought back:

2 18 count eggs

2 bags of strawberry and vanilla ice cream cups

4 bags of frozen collard greens

wtf?

He did bring me a refill of my black-tea-lemonade.  Guess I'll make some rice pudding tonight with all those eggs.

Overheard...

Ave came to me this morning and asked me to recharge her iPod.  She said that all the songs had been erased.  Of course, what had happened was I had hooked it up to my computer and reformatted it after getting my refurbed laptop back from IT.  Then I had forgotten to put her music back on it.

Me: How did the songs get erased?

Ave: Well, Papa left the car unlocked and someone broke in and erased my iPod.

Me: Really?

Ave: Well, the car door was open and the little door inside was open (she's talking about the glove compartment- Dean's car was rifled through when he was up in Hayward the other day.  Nothing was missing but someone had gone through the glove compartment).

Me: But how did your iPod get erased?

Ave: Well, whoever went in our car erased all my songs...

Me: Why didn't they just take your iPod?

Ave: Because they didn't want the police to see them...

Umm hmm.

Plane music.

I have a couple of long flights next week.  I really need to put together some new playlists for the trip.  Any suggestions? Anyone?

Mommy does Dallas.

How could I resist that one?  The closer it gets, the more I'm dreading it.  Texas.  I just don't know about Texas.  My Grandpa was from Orange, Texas which is right close to the Louisianna border.  Of course, he died at 62 because he started smoking when he was like 11 and ate bacon, bisquits and gravy and bacon-fat-soaked-cornbread practically every day.  I got my appreciation for a good hearty breakfast from him.  He was a carpenter in the Navy and worked at Sandpoint Naval Station.  He had amazing hands.  He could build anything, and did.  He made me both a rocking horse and a rocking chair when I was a tot.  The rocking chair is still around.  He was a painter, as well.  He painted beautiful landscapes of mountains and lakes.  My mom used to tell stories of going to visit her Aunt Margaret in Orange and how one time she was playing around the chicken coop and found a rattle snake.  Of course, over time the story morphed into a tale where she reached in to get an egg from one of the nests and there was a rattler there.  Who knows?  Time changes memory, doesn't it?

Chicken heaven.

I didn't have class tonight so the girls and I made coq au vin.  Notice a theme here? Yes, it's 'cooking with wine' week.  Avery chopped a whole onion and Vi peeled and chopped about 8 carrots.  Threw it all in a pot with some chicken and soused the whole thing in a nice bottle of red wine.  That's right, a whole bottle.  When we sat down to eat later, the girls were quite proud of their work.  Ave, upon trying the dish, said "I'm in chicken heaven!"  Dean said, "Youre not in heaven, but the chicken is." I shushed him because one of these days he's going to say the wrong thing to our animal-loving girls and we're going to end up with two little vegetarians on our hands.  It was a slightly undercooked hamburger that turned me vegetarian for 10 years.  Both my sisters still won't touch any kind of meat.

Registered for spring soccer.  I'm going to be coaching both Vi's team and Ave's team.  This will be Ave's first soccer season (officially) but she's got mad skills from playing with Vi these past couple of seasons.  Vi is already anxious to get going.  Dean has been trying to get Vi to play basketball and while she shows a lukewarm interest, she seems to have inherited my natural lack of ability.  Everyone used to always pick me for basketball because I was 5' 10" in the 5th grade.  I knew what would happen.  Someone or something always ended up broken or bleeding because of me.  I was never going in the right direction and my fingers always ended up in someone's eyes or up their nose.  But hey, we can swim and we can play soccer and we can ride horses. 

I will be in heaven with two soccer teams to coach.  Chicken heaven, even.

A bruised banana in every bunch.

I'm tired.  I'm going to bed soon.  Just for the record.

Andrea gave me a great book for Christmas- How to be Good.  Perfect read for me right now.  Always good to have an engaging book to get lost in.

Went to class tonight.  I have to say, there is always one in every class.  This woman is clearly hispanic and she challenged everything anyone said, including the professor.  At one point she was screeching, "You want to fight? YOU WANT TO FIGHT?" at the professor.  Nice.  I was waiting for violence to break out.  At least that would be entertaining.  We watched a film on Jared Diamond who wrote "Gun, Germs and Steel" which I've read.  Very interesting.  He's totally one of those people I'd love to tag along with.  He goes and hangs out with indigenous people in the rainforest.  Right on.  Woman-who-wouldn't-shut-up also started talking about "Indians" until someone in the class cooly informed her that "Indians" are people from India. 

My late-night project tonight? Getting my music organized.  They deleted all my music when I got my new laptop.  Good thing I backed it all up first.  iTunes is so screwy though when you try to add files, I always end up with duplicates somehow.  Dunno.  Anyway, the worst part is trying to figure out playlists.  I've had this playlist that I always run to for the past 7 years- literally, cannot run without that playlist.  So must get that straightened out.

Currently: eating a chocolate pecan brownie and drinking iced tea lemondae and listening to Bayside.

cats and power naps

Missy just got the boot.  She strolls right by me, twitching her little tail, walks across the room.  I'm like, "Hmm what is she doing here" since my sister is sleeping in the other room she'd normally be curled up with her or on the couch or something.  Anyhow, she looks at me, doesn't say anything.  Usually when Missy wants something she'll sit back on her hind legs and swipe her paw at your ankle and say "Meow" or even "Mrow Mrow".  Then you know she wants water, or food or to go outside.  No, the cat walks across the room, turns around and backs her butt up into the corner and proceeds the take a dump.  Thank god for granite floors but really, what is that all about?  Is she mad at me for something?  I don't recall withholding food, water or affection from her anytime recently to deserve this.  I love, too, that as I was carrying the offending mess out to the outside garbage can, the dogs were jumping all over me like I had a yummy treat in hand.  Sometimes dogs are really disgusting, you know?

So, I have news to report.  The power nap?  It's real.  20 minutes for me and no more.  If I sleep more than 20 minutes, I'm even more tired.  20 minutes, though, of hard napping and I'm bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Heh.  Try it, I'm telling you! 

So I worked late last night but I am sooo tired today.  I am never tired like this.  Even when I'm tired-tired, I'm not this tired.  I feel like I ate a big turkey dinner.  Hmmm, I wonder if this is a case of sleepwalking.  Maybe I got up at 4am, in my sleep, and drove to a 24 hour Boston Market and got a whole turkey with a side of stuffing and squash casserole and ate it all and then managed to hide the evidence.  Likely, but maybe there is another reason. See there I go, yawning again.  You are probably yawning, too, reading this. 

Totally terrific Tuesday...

I really want an iced tea lemonade right now but I don't want to get dressed to go get it.  I suppose I could go in my pajamas.  If I put my coat on, maybe no one will notice my big blue polka dot pajama pants.

It's really foggy in Fremont today.  I like the fog.  It makes me feel cozy being inside and warm.  It also, kind of like snow, makes the rest of the world feel muted and hazy.  Sometimes it's nice to have a day like that.

I have to say that the worst thing is trying to pretend that something isn't what it is.  I feel good today because I realize that I feel what I feel.  I am what I am.  (No Popeye jokes, please)  My feelings define me, my actions define me, my love defines me- and I won't deny the things that define me.  Sometimes we are carried along by our circumstances and there is simply no way to reach the shore.  It doesn't mean that the shore goes away or that I don't want to get there, doesn't mean I won't keep swimming for it.

When Dean and I had our talk the other day and I told him that one of the things I resented was him not touching me unless I initiated it.  He asked me, "Do you even want me to touch you anymore?" And I answered honestly, "No."  I just dont feel it.  How's that for a taste of reality.  I just, regardless of my feelings, want us to all be okay and I know this is going to hurt, no matter how amicable Dean and I remain. 

Watching my sister and Kendyl fighting is fascinating to me(not in a good way but in a learning about human nature kinda way).  They are both hurting, both crying, both miserable.  And yet, they both are trying to hurt the other because they are hurt. It's sort of ridiculous and yet totally understandable.  This happens all the time.  We know what we want but we let our need to be right, our need to protect ourselves, all that crap get in the way.  I went to pick Nat up this morning because she had been out drinking at a friend's house.  She said, "Apparently, I need to have someone take my phone and lock it in a drawer."  I totally know that feeling.  Someone sould probably take my phone away and lock it in a drawer.  Problem is, locking phones in drawers does not change how we feel.  Nope.  Sorry. 

Today, work and then class tonight.  I think I'll pick the girls up early so I can spend some extra time with them.  Maybe try to get in an afternoon swim or so.

When I got Dallas next week, I'm going to find out how the real estate market is there.  I could see us all on a ranch in Texas.  Then I could keep all six puppies.  Git along lil doggies.

Man, I feel like I need a nap. 

Aha!

I have TWO bottles of wine in my office(Christmas gift from a client that I haven't taken home yet).  Maybe one isn't going to make it home at all.  Someone in here *must* have a corkscrew. Hey, wait, there is one in my glove compartment! Woo hoo!

Do you do stupid things when it gets late?

I do.

I say all kinds of things that I would never say before say, midnight.  Add a little wine-soused risotto to the mix and I'm a veritable tell-all.  Or, I can always be bribed with ice cream sandwiches and diet coke.  Not necessarily together.

Hmm.  I thought there was a wad of gum under my desk.  I found it quite puzzling since I don't chew gum except under rare circumstances.  (I find the smacking of gum quite annoying but feel compelled to do it and I hate to annoy myself).  But turns out, it was just pirate booty.  Unfortunately, I'm sure the 5 second rule has expired.

Now I bet you are wondering if I always adhere to the 5 second rule...

When all of your tears dry...

I am procrastinating.

First, gratuitous puppy pictures:

This one here is Chocolate on the left.  He's the runt and def. one of my faves.  This other pic is to point out that the pups are really starting to get around and will hardly hold still long enough to take a picture.  Now they do all kinds of cute stuff like bite each thers ears and make little barking and growling noises which are terribly cute because they are just so small.

Chocolate is pretty cute because he is a talker.  Get him seperated from his band of brothers and he is whining and barking the whole time.  If you put a finger up to his mouth, though, he'll gnaw and lick at it. 

The girls are pretty much constantly carrying them around and they've now been to school several times.  They are absolutely huge and I'm dying to know what they are.

My sister came over tonight and had a glass of wine and we cooked dinner.  I made salad- look away if you don't like tomatoes.  Vi asked if they were 'homegrown' tomatoes.  I said, "Yes, of course!"  They do taste pretty fresh and tomato-ey. I also made a great big pan of risotto with asiago, parmigian and lots and lots of shiraz(work with me, not being sure of where the bottle opener is, I went with the nearest screwcap I could find in my cellar).  Talk about comfort food... there you go.  It was pretty much perfect, too.  Cheesy goodness.  The kids, at least, chowed down on it.  Vi even ate some salad.

I'm going to whip out some chocolate chip cookies later this evening.

So, I came to a decision to drop my communications class.  I am schlepping up to Hayward on Tuesday and Thursday for poli sci classes and then over to Palo Alto on Wednesdays for another class.  I realized at the end of last week I was missing the girls too much to keep that schedule, so reshuffled the deck and decided to lose the Monday night class even though it is fabulous.  Just can't do four nights away from them right now.  Priorities, you know.

I told my sister today about my crying problem, or lack thereof.  She said, "That's good!" Then she said, "I didn't cry for like two weeks and then, I started crying and cried for two days straight and it has been like three times a day since then."  So, yeah, I'm just going to stay away from Steel Magnolias and try not to start.  The last thing I need right now is puffy eyes on top of everything else.

Why?, you ask.  Because I don't believe my situation.  How did I end up here?  I swore I never would.  This was NOT THE PLAN.  Dean and I talked the other day(again)(we keep doing that) and we discussed why we're at the place where we are.  I explained for like the fourteenth time that he never says things to me that people say when they love each other- things I say to him all the time- and he never touches me unless I touch him and somewhere along the way I started feeling very unloved and very unappreciated.  He said that it was funny because he's loved me all along but he just couldn't "get it out". And, well, there you go.  The result is the same because I'm no mind reader.  I suggest he marry a psychic next time around.

Things have been better lately.  He is really trying hard but my feelings just aren't there.  I don't know how you fix it when you just don't feel it any more.  How do you fix something you don't want to fix anymore?  I guess it is good in a way because I am not pretending anymore, I'm not lying to myself and everyone aroud me that things are fantastic when they aren't.  And I dont expect Dean to suddenly become someone he isn't, that wouldn't be fair to him to live with that over his head.

So what do I do?  Fill my heart up, I guess.  Try to have fun with the girls.  Try to be there for my friends.   Keep my eyes open: there are people out there who will use you and throw you away like last night's t.v. dinner tray.  They have nothing to offer but pain.  No thanks, I'm good.  Occupy myself with the things and people I love, who are there for me and love me back like I deserve to be loved.  Ride horses, run, sing, dance, make art, grow flowers.  Looks like I have a busy schedule.  If I keep to the plan I think things will fall where they should.  I went looking for what I needed in the wrong place.  It's like Glinda says to Dorothy: "if you can't find your heart's desire in your own backyard, then you never really lost it to begin with."  Or something like that.

I do think I need a plan to keep puppies around.  It's good to have puppies.  They are so snuggly and smell so good.  I can hardly get over it.

My sister says:

"One nice thing about being on foot: you don't have to drive." This said as she pops open a beer.

Rosemary for remembrance.

Margaret's daughter got engaged yesterday!  I'm terribly happy for Kelsie as she is just the sweetest, funniest, most beautiful girl and she's been snapped up by a great guy.  See, the world does keep spinning.  Bad things happen, good things happen, but it all just keeps going- that's the beauty of life. La de da de da da...

I do know that no matter what happens... there is ALWAYS more laundry to do.  Check this, though, I went the entire week last week without doing laundry- ha!  Then yesterday, I let the girls help me fold it and put it away.  We had a laundry race.  Whoever folded the most pairs of socks in 60 seconds got to pick the next song to dance to. I have to say, my least favorite part of the laundry is folding socks.  I do so love how they smell, though, all hot and bleached-cottony coming out of the dryer.

Funny, I found a 10 forint coin in my purse today.  I have no idea how it got there- must have gotten mixed in with some quarters around the house or maybe the kids found it and were playing with it.  Anyhow, it ended up in my purse.  Hungary was a happy time for me- maybe among the best in my life.  Didn't spend much time there, a few weeks in Budapest and a few days in outlying areas but I met the most interesting people and had amazing times.  A girl named Kata that I met on the bus just after I arrived took me home to her family.  We got to be close, albeit brief, friends.  We went to the movies together and dancing at a local gathering(you should have seen me trying to learn a traditional Hungarian folk dance- not cool).  I am dying to take the girls there.  They would absolutely love it.  They call it the Paris of Eastern Europe and I can see the similarities, but the people were far nicer than they were in Paris(how's that for an utter generalization?).  I even thought the food was better, but I guess I'm a meat-and-potatoes kinda girl.  I digress, again.  I want to know- is it a sign?  I think it must be a sign, finding that coin in my purse.

Going to Dallas next week.  Ugh. I'm already dreading being away from the girls, dreading having to go to the airport, dreading having to pack, and so on. Going to try and make it a quick trip but I'll be there at least 3 days and that just doesn't seem so quick to me.

I have Ikea-thumb today from putting that bunk bed together.  Ow.  My left hand keeps spasming.

Geez.  I am such a whiner.  Okay, here's a happy thought... almost time for my roses to ship!!  I cannot wait.  A big truck is going to dump a big pile of yummy rose-growing dirt in front of our house next week and I'm going to start getting everything ready.  Soon my babies will arrive.  There will be roses *everywhere* and our house will have roses in every room, all summer long.  They will be pink and white and red and velvety and smell like heaven.  Mmmm, beautiful!  And that just reminded me, then there will be strawberries and it will be jam-making time again... but I'm getting ahead of myself.  I think I am not going to grow veggies this year- maybe just have my herb garden.  Rosemary, of course... oregano, dill(maybe I'll make some pickles), thyme, basil... if rosemary is for remembrance- what is for forgetting?  Wait, that's a different kind of herb altogether.

Time for lunch.   

Monday morning cereal.

The kitchen is in fine shape.  So fine that I'm planning to do some cooking tonight before I leave for class.  The kitchen has become, already, the source of good times.  It is true that the heart of the home is the kitchen.  Amen people. 

This is what breakfast looks like in the Y. household on cereal days.  Yep, Dean on his massive computer (didn't anyone ever teach the boy not to edit home videos during a meal?).  There's Vi who is all ready to go to school even though it's a whole half an hour away.  Then we have Ave on the far left with her unbrushed hair and while you can't see it, I'll guarantee she doesn't have socks and shoes on.  It is sort of a funny dichotomy because Ave inherited Dean's methodical-play-by-the-rules natures (Mom! I dont want to be late for school!) but she is always the one who goofs around until it is down to the wire and we have to scramble for shoes and hair ties and getting out the door- she's a procrastinator just like her mom and craves pressure.  Vi, on the other hand, she cracks easily under pressure- she needs things to be clear and straighforward... but then she could really care less about the rules. 

Oh, and look at that big empty space over the sink there- going to put a pendant light there but what can I hang on the wall there? Art? A mirror? Plasma tv? Shelves? I kind of like the mirror idea but would that be weird?  Too 1970's?

And look- one more thing!! Dean found the kitchenaid mixer in storage yesterday(it's on the counter behind everyone).  YAY!! I am so staying up late tonight to make a double batch of the best choclate chip cookies in the world.

Look! It's moi!  Andy cut my hair again and I'm lovin' it because it literally take about 30 seconds to dry and fix and I'm done.  It's all about the efficiency, baby.  Margaret says I should dye my hair black.  I'm thinking maybe not black-black but really, really dark brown.  I don't know though.  And now Vi wants her hair cut like mine- which kills me because she has all the thick, long beautiful hair.  I know she gets tired of taking care of it but man, if I had HER hair I would grow it down to my ass.  No, instead I have my thin, fine, stringy, limp white-girl hair that wouldn't grow past my shoulders even if I wanted it to.

My sister came over last night.  There's been ongoing drama since the holidays.  She didn't come home right after Christmas like we did.  Then when she did come home she didn't call or come by- was crashing with friends. I had my "Mommy Down!!" episode and I was really resenting the fact that in the midst of my misery, my sister wasn't there for me.  Anyhow, I guess she and Kendyl are finally breaking up.  Kendyl has been living at our house but is away visiting her mom right now.  This is hard because I am close to Kendyl and love her like a sister- she and Nat have been together for a couple years now and she's lived with us alot of that time.  But I also can't have my sister's ex living with us, especially if it means Nat won't come over.  Anyhow, Nat and I talked last night and made up and it feels good- I've missed her.  I am really glad, though, that she's found a job and has a room in an apartment arranged.  It's time.  She's moving into a room in Andy's apartment.  I think it will be a good place for her and she's lived with Andy before and they are good roomates. We've got some changes heading our way and are going to need all the extra space we can come up with.

(Let's just say I might finally be getting the four kids I've always wanted... I am so excited- a houseful of girls!! How fantastic is that?)  More details to come but it is all very hush-hush right now.

So here is the dining room area- got the nice little bar sink and eventually the espresso machine is going to go there when we can find it.  That's right- can't find my espresso machine!! Sad! Down below there is wine fridge and to the left- what's that? an ICE maker! Woo hoo!  Now, I can make all the ice I can possibly crunch.  And right there on the counter is the ice crusher. 

So yes, now that things are finally getting cleaned up I'm starting to enjoy the new kitchen.  It is still not entirely done.  The third sink(in the foreground in this picture) still needs to be hooked up with the garbage disposal and all.  There is a bit of electrical work that needs finishing- the bar sink has an instant hot water thingy that needs to be wired up.  There is a bit of work still to be done on the cabinets... But we're def. up and running.

So, this week is off to a fabulous start.  I think I was afraid to get the house shaped up.  I think because I thought if I made the environment nice, my situation would again become quite tolerable and I would lose motivation to change things.  Regardless of the fact that I consider myself a person of action, when it comes to the big things, I need that pressure- just like Ave.  And like most people, if I don;t act consciously, I will unconsciously create circumstances that push me in the direction I want to go.  The problem is, sometimes if I don't act deliberately, those subconscious actions can be a bit self-destructive.  But there it is. 

Oops, cut Ave off, but the girls were happy this morning.  They slept for the first time together in their bunk bed.  When I woke Avery up this morning she told me, "I believed all those scary stories Vi told me, Mom.  They kept me up for half the night!"  Which is funny, because I went to check on her about twenty minutes after she went to bed and she was completely out, didn't even move when I kissed her and brushed the hair back off her forehead. 

Dean and I looked at each other last night after I came back to bed from checking the girls and we were like, "Oh my god, the girls are both sleeping in their own bed... and here we are in our bed... ALONE together". We had a bit of a laugh over that.  Of course, then we popped a movie in the DVD player and both promptly fell asleep.

So, here we are... Monday.  I'm hoping this is going to be a great week.  I need a good week at minimum.  I am evoking the power of due.

Okay, time to go get my black tea-lemonade refilled.

We like to party.

Ave tonight said something that struck me as a bit funny: "I love my kitchen jobs!"  Well right on! I have lots of kitchen work planned for your future, heh.  Ave and I spent most of the evening cleaning the kitchen.  We blasted the iPod and scrubbed and organized.  Then we danced and danced some more.  We danced until we were bright red and sweaty.  Then we slow danced until we caught our breath. Then we cleaned. Then we danced again.  It's hard to clean the kitchen in a timely manner when you're have a private dance party. Hee.

The bunk beds are up!! Dean did most of the heavy lifting but I was called in to assist on a few this-is-why-people-f-ing-hate-ikea issues.  And I learned something new: apparently most problems can be solved either with leverage or by hitting it with a hammer.  Seriously, tuck that one away.  Good to know. 

Vi had fallen asleep on the couch so I made up the top bunk in new flowery sheets and a pretty pink and green and yellow comforter, put on new pillowcases and turned down the bed.  I woke her up and by the time I got her in there, she was awake enough to exclaim excitedly.  She kept saying, "Oh, thank you- thank you!"  It was pretty sweet.  I love getting new sheets and sleeping in a freshly made up bed.  Back in the days when I had myself together, I did everyone's sheets a couple times a week- just so we could all have fresh linens.  I always loved that about going to my grandma's house- she made up my bed with these crisp, clean sheets that had been hung out on the line to dry- nothing like sheets with that faint bleachy smell(sort of how someone's skin smells when they've been swimming at the pool) that have that line-dried feel and smell.  Anyhow, I digress completely.  Bunk bed: done. Check.

I so do not want to clean my bathroom. Mommy.  Wait, I am mommy... crap.

Puppy update: we have wagging tails, they are just starting to walk and bark(wee little barks).  They are so cute and cuddly and smell so good. Yum.

My life today.

Took Vi to Starbucks.  Iced tea lemonades all around except for Dean wo had his regular coffee.  Yes, now I've got the girls hooked on iced tea lemonades.

Vi broke a mirror.  It was a big one and we had to mount a rescue operation to get her out from the middle of all that glass.  Dean and I managed to clean it all up without one drop of blood being spilled.  That seems to be about the only endeavor around here of late that hasn't ended in bloodshed. Heh.

I wrote a letter- well, e-mail actually- but I have no where to send it so it just goes to the draft box until I have the will to delete it. I've written far too many letters over that past few weeks that no one will ever read.  But sometimes, you just have to write it anyway. Margaret read me a quote last night that went something along the lines of: How do you know a dream is over? When you are at peace with it.  I've never been very good at letting things rest in peace.  Maybe that is my lesson for this year.  Peace. 

Vi had a couple friends from Girl Scouts over to see the puppies.  Puppies are like instant popularity.  May have to have more puppies just to continue increasing our social standing in the neighborhood.  I like Irish Setters or maybe golden Labradors.  We've had dozens of people ask us for puppies.  Looks like we'll be able to find good homes for all the pups.

Going to try and set up the bunk beds now. Wish me luck.

Sex and love and the secrets of the universe.

Love is an interesting thing.  Love can make us blind.  Love can make us do stupid things.  Love can make us desperate.  Love can make us cry.  Love can make us beautiful.  Love can make us reach inside of ourselves and pull things out we never knew we had.  Love can make us brave.  Love can make us oh, so happy.  Love lets us give.  It also lets us receive even when we don't want to allow ourselves.  Love opens us, it is the key that unlocks us.

Love is big.  We like to wrap sex up in it.  Clearly there is sex that is just an itch that needs to be scratched- whether through one night stands, friends with benefits or the institution of marriage. (I know, I know- it sounds so jaded) But there is also sex that is the expression of our deepest feelings, love made tangible and the need, an attempt, to be as close as possible to another human being. 

As I was driving home late last night, Marg and I were talking on the phone and she said, "Sometimes, sex is just sex".  Sometimes it is- and it can be great, fantastic even.  It can make us feel amazing and still just be sex.  But if we are lucky we get to experience sex as something transcendant, something that surpasses physical needs and sensations.  Maslow puts sexual intimacy, belonging and love above basic physical needs, above security on his triangle.  It is clear to me that people have sacraficed those basic needs, their safety and security in order to realize love. I also know that once one has had sex as an expression of love, even fantastic sex-as-just-sex pales in comparison.  Some people, if they've had it then lost it, will always keep looking for it.  Maybe they will realize or maybe they won't realize what they are looking for- that love that lets us be who we are, lets us be vulnerable, lets us give without thought to ourselves, lets us see and be seen.

People say nothing ventured, nothing gained- live without regrets, etc..  I believe that.  I read a book recently that said when you come to a place where you need to make a decision, think about what the decision will look like from the end of your life.  How will you feel about it as you sit in your rocking chair on your porch in the twilight of your life? Live the life that makes the best story.  I want to have a good story.  And I want the people I love to have good stories, too.  And I'm starting to think there really are only two things that get between us and where we want to be- fear and ourselves.  That's right, we hold hands with fear and get in our own way.  Why?  Guess it goes back to Maslow's triangle- we have to decide that the things higher up are more important than the things at the bottom.

That's enough maudlin rumination for today.  Time to start today's adventure. (Look, I slept in- I've been working some late nights, gimme a break).

Jealous much?

I have puppies!! Puppies! Six little, furry, yummy puppies.

This little guy is my favorite:

All the answers to life's questions can be found in the High School Musical soundtracks.

You think I'm kidding, don't you?  There is something about it.  Dean says it's called the HOOK, but I think it's more than that.  There is a reason why kids love it and grown ups (except for me) hate it. (Or y'all say you hate it but you really love it, I know it)

So, if there was one thing I could change about myself right now, I'd like to be able to have a good cry when I want to.  There are a few things that I KNOW will make me cry: reading the intro to "Alex: The Life of a Child", reading the chapter in "Eric" where he dies(after all, love is the only message) and watching Steel Magnolias.  Clearly, the whole death-of-a-child thing gets me.  But that's sort of cheating.  You feel so good after a nice big bawl.  You gotta be able to get your cry on.  I'm like a broken Betsy-Wetsy doll.  I don't even leak these days.

Ave insisted on listening to the High School Musical soundtrack.  I'm working on learning the harmonies since I know all the songs now.  It's fun to belt it out at the top of our lungs in the car.  It's also kinda fun to piss Avery off by singing out of tune really loudly: "Mom!". Yeah.  See, I'm doing my job- torturing my kids.

Oh, took Avery to preschool.  Love the school, really I do, but the parking lot is always full of Lexus SUVs(I shouldn't throw stones living in a lexus-glass-house and all) (you know what, though? don't get a lexus SUV if you're going to get a lexus. seriously, don't get beige, either) and the people dropping their kids off are, well... you know.  Anyhow, I took her to school in my pajamas today.  I mean, I was in my pajamas, not her.  Not even pajamas so much as thermal underwear- bright purple with pink flowers all over it- you know the kind with the ribbed cuffs around the wrists and ankles. Hee. Of course I wore my coat but oh, the looks I got- absolutely priceless.  The bed head helped, too. 

Then, I don't know what I was thinking going into the Starbucks near my office- barely missed being spotted by coworkers.

Did some laundry this morning so everyone will have underwear for the weekend. (Have to say, I'm all in favor of an underwear-free weekend, yee haw!)

Okay, have to figure out why my laptop won't connect to the freaking wireless network here at home now. Bleagh. Not loving my laptop these days, not loving IT either.  That's okay, though, probably why they are in LA instead of up here.

tuna fish and peanuts

Sometimes you just have to be in the mood for something.  Tuna fish is one of those things for me.  Most of the time I could take it or leave it, but sometimes the mood just strikes me and I need a tuna sandwich.  Or peanuts.  Or peanut butter.

The cool thing about coming into the office late at night is that when I get bored or need a break, there is a veritable feast to be had just wandering about the office.  For example, the CDS group had Harry & David snacks out. There were some peanuts in the break room and we have all kinds of weird stuff in our vending machines- fig newtons of which I am quite fond, peanuttles of which I am not so fond.  Of course, I also have my own personal stash of Easy Mac, Cup-of-soup(tomato yum), granola bars, V-8, laffy taffy, yeah... pretty much enough food to get my entire office through a major disaster.

Think I need a cup of soup now.

You are the music in me. Na na na na na...

Yeah, you know what's stuck in my head right now.

I'm happy right now.  I'm at work, toasty warm in my sweater.  I should be grouchy because my computer came back to me today after being with IT(being overhauled and re-imaged) without some proprietary software installed that I use, oh, every single freaking day.  It's going to take several hours on the phone with support to get it installed- but I can get mad or I can just smile and get to installing it. (for the second time in less than a week) (okay, I'm done grousing)  Anyhow, why am I happy?

It has been a good week.  School started up again and I'm loving it.  I have choices about classes I can take since it is all for the hell of it- so I went to my classes and was like, "If I don't find this class fascinating, I'm leaving".  For some reason, it all spoke to me this week.  My communications prof is funny, my latin-american-political-systems prof is fantastic(and someone I've had before and adore) and my asian-political-systems prof turns out to be quite interesting, as well.  Fabulous.  There will be a ton of reading which is just what I need right now to keep my mind occupied.

Why else am I happy?  Because today I rallied.  That ginormous sucking noise and subsequent "pop!" heard round the bay area today was me pulling my (ginormous)head out of my (ginormous)ass and realizing I need to stop thinking about me for a second and start thinking about someone else.  I have a friend in need who is a friend indeed and I called Dean and I called Liz and I said, "might need to go get her, might need to back the u-haul up in her driveway" and they were all in, as were the kids.  And I'm telling you, it makes me want to actually shed tears for the first time in a month that I have such good friends as Liz and Dean that with one phone call I know they would come and help me if I needed them.  How amazingly great is that?  It's not time yet, but the time may be coming soon.

Then... sometimes you think that a friend might not be able to understand your position, might judge and then they go and prove you totally wrong, make you so glad you trusted her and you can tell from her voice she actually understands and empathizes and damn if that doesn't just make it so much better, to know you aren't in it alone.

I'm happy.  I'm happy because I have love in my life and I feel incredibly lucky.

It has been hard for me to stand still lately.  I have to have a plan- I have to DO something.  And I don't have a plan and I haven't done anything, yet. (and I'm dying)  And today I realized that maybe my need to act, my will to power, doesn't have to be about me- I can use it to effect change in other people's lives- and save myself in the process... maybe even let someone else save me while I'm at it.

Needs.

I went to school last night.  There were all new desks in the classroom. Is it a sign?  I think everything is a sign.  Why am I always looking for signs?  Made me think back to high school and study hall, sitting in desks that had been holding the books and bodies of Annie's(that'swhat you;re called when you go to Annie Wright- an Annie) during study hall for at least a hundred years.  The desks were so carved up, the wrought iron painted probably a dozen times.  If the walls of that place could have talked, we always used to say.  The walls would just tell our story again and again.  We all have the same story, just different variations on the theme.

Last night's class was a communication class.  Never taken a communication class before(I'm running o9ut of stuff to take, seriously).  When I was at the UW I sat in on a journalism class, decided it was utter crap and never set foot in the comm building again.  I was highly skeptical going to this class last night but it turns out, sometimes the universe dumps something in your lap just when you need it.  The instructor was quite hilarious in an unassuming sort of way.  It was good to be completely absorbed in something for several hours and to laugh.  A good laugh can save your life, of this I am convinced. 

We talked about various system models of communication and then discussed Maslow's triangle.  Not unfamiliar with Maslow but I def. took a different view of it this time.  It is also clear to me that if you believe that you have to fulfill each level of the hierarchy of needs to 'advance' to the next, there might be a problem with that.  I know I would willingly sacrafice things from the lower tiers of the triangle to satisfy the higher needs.  And I see it all around me.  In fact, sometimes self-actualization actually relies on relinquishing security, physical needs, even love and belonging. 

Tonight: Political Systems of Latin America. 

If I keep moving, it can't catch me.

Behind us now.

We're full on into January now.  School starts today.  I'm excited.  I need some new beginnings, some fresh starts that the New Year didn't seem to bring. 

I was brushing Ave's hair this morning and noticed she's cut her hair herself, yet again.  That's my Ave.  I'd be disappointed if she didn't do stuff like that.  And she thinks it looks fantastic.  So do I.  I've taken my usual parenting approach, which is that when she's old enough to know better or care, she won't do it any more. 

In the meantime I'm grateful that I have a child as beautiful and spirited as she is.  In the few moments I've been sitting here, she's run in four times to discuss the fact that the puppies are starting to whine and cry- are they cold? Could we put down a 'heated blanket' for them? We need to find a solution before tonight because it will get colder!  Even Jenny doesn't like the bed they're in... Am I taking her to school this morning and when I do can we stop at Starbucks? Can we listen to High School Musical II in the car? She skips away singing.  She makes me want to skip and sing.  It feels good to want to be happy with her just because of life.

Okay, must go shower now because someone needs her black tea lemonade with 10 pumps of classic syrup(and no, it isn't Ave). Ahhh, sugar.  (Black tea lemonade is my drinkable metaphor for my life- a touch of bitterness, sour sometimes, but always, always sweet).

By the way, someday I will say this was the worst Christmas- worst holiday ever.  No time soon, but years from now I will look back on the past few weeks as a time that defined me in the strip-down-to-the-bones sort of way but good because it allowed me to build myself up into a new person.  I will say it changed who I was.  I'm not there yet, but someday it will be behind me.  And I'm sure I'll be grateful for it.

Of things that are no more.

Today is my Grandma's birthday.  She would have been 91 today.

When I was little, maybe four or five years old, I used to stay at Grandma & Grandpa's house quite a bit.  Every morning they would have their coffee in bed and read the paper.  I was too little for coffee but they gave me an inch or two anyway, mostly milk and sugar.  One of the best places on earth was to be snuggled down between the two of them while they went over the paper, having my morning coffee with them.  After my grandfather passed away, Grandma didn't have her coffee in bed anymore.  When my grandma died, the only thing I wanted were photos-- and one of those coffee cups. 

It is easy to be sad when people are gone, easy to let the pain come and sweep you away and make you think that there is a part of you broken that will never be quite right again.  It is more difficult to set aside what you've lost, what you are painfully aware you no longer have and let yourself be happy for what you had while you had it.  I guess it is because we like to work through our pain and sadness and be done with it- and every time we think of a happy memory, it highlights the absence of something that once was there.  We have to be strong to remember past happiness then accept again that it is no more.  Maybe it is just that we are built to be looking forward, always moving on.  The past is past. 

But sometimes I dream.  I hear voices in my dreams of people long gone from my life.  Then in that warm, dark space between dreaming and awake I let my mind trick me into thinking things are that are no more.

Of wild things made tame.

My grandmother loved her garden.  And like so many other things, she passed that on to me.  She used to complain vehemently when the deer ate her lettuce or when there was mole running amuck, digging holes everywhere.  My grandfather built big boxes for her vegetables because the soil was so rocky you couldn't dig down into the ground.  She grew vegetables anyway.  They built a fence around the garden and I remember in later years the chicken wire hanging from the wooden posts in disrepair, the gate that would no longer close on broken hinges.  Eventually, the whole thing was turned under to make way for my uncle's house.  He still lives there, long after he sold her house and shipped her off to a nursing home to die.  But I can close my eyes and feel the sun on my hair and the dirt between my fingers and toes as I played beside my grandma in that garden.  I can see the tall beans winding their way up as if to suffocate the poles they grew on, neat rows of purple and green lettuce, and bobbing yellow heads of marigolds.  That garden was never meant to be.  My grandma's house was built in a clearing at the top of a densely wooded hill.  They removed just enough trees to build the house, the driveway and the garden.  The edge of the woods loomed over everything, in every direction- wild and waiting to take everything back.  The woods were a garden themselves, full of huckleberries and salal, yellow skunk cabbage, ivy and huge ferns. 

I've started planning my rose garden.  My favorite rose right now is Evelyn.  She's creamy colored- not quite pink- not quite yellow(in my opinion), with rows and rows of tighly packed petals and smells just like what you imagine a rose should smell like.  I think there will be lots of Evelyns in my rose garden.  Roses are the only thing I care to grow here.  It never gets cold enough for the tulips, daffodils and crocuses I used to grown when we lived in Washington- and the real magic of bulbs is getting to see them come up year after year in greater numbers.  Who wants to dig up bulbs and put them in the refrigerator to force them?  That just doesn't seem right.  The lilacs I planted when we moved in did not tolerate those first few hot summers and the one that survives is still only a couple of feet tall.  So, I grow roses.  And they bloom in December.  How can I complain?

Every so often they bring new flowers into our office.  Today, white orchids.  We had purple ones before- so deep and rich a color as to belong on a painting of some tropical place, seemed out of place in our beige and grey suite.  I thought they were the most beautiful flowers I'd even seen.  But I think the white ones, with petals like velvet, are even more beautiful.  In a different way- not loud or vivid but soft and true.  Yes, good flowers for starting off the new year.  There are signs all around, aren't there?

We're having a Seattle-weather day today.  I love that everyone here is afraid of getting wet.  Why doesn't anyone want to walk in the rain?   

2008 is going to be great!

That's what I keep sayng.  Yeah.

Went to see Mr. Apollo this morning. I realized something.  I've always understood the relationship between horses and fear.  I've known how little room there is for fear, lack of confidence when you are with the horses- at least the crazy ones I tend to hang out with.  In the past there have been days when I walk away because I know that whatever is distracting me, whatever negativity is allowing the fear to creep up on me could get me hurt.  Sure, sometimes you push on through- take that little leap of faith.  But I'm talking about when you really think you don't have it in you.  But this morning, I realized something.  Sometimes you get through fear by being sure of yourself.  And sometimes you get through fear by not caring.  I'm not talking about reckless stupidity.  I'm talking about that place where you let go just enough that you don;t have to be afraid anymore.

Life lessons, I'm telling you.  Sometimes you have to let go, not care, to move forward.  It's just fear that hold us back- fear and ourselves.

Creatures aren't born with fear, they learn it.  I've seen it with dogs and cats and rabbits and horses.  And I know it to be true of people.  We learn fear.  The people who love us teach us to be afraid to keep us safe.  But like anything meant to keep us safe, it can hurt us, as well.  And if you can learn to be afraid, you can learn to let go.  I'm going to learn to let go better.

State of grace.

I went to see Apollo this morning.  If no one else ever truly knows who I am, he does.  Just who knows you by the sound of your footsteps 50 feet away?  It's funny how much this horse who has hurt me so much physically has healed me so much in other ways.  It was the right way to start off the new year.

Last night we ended up going ut for mexican food, drinks and then rang in the New Year having our cards read at the psychic.  I don;t know what she does, what whatever it is- she does it well.  My entire life was just spewed out before me- bleagh.  It was good- whether she's simply intuitive or a sham or the real deal, it got me thinking about some things, brought me a little peace.  It was truly the right way to end the year- needed to get some affirmation, ask some questions and then answer them.

Dean and I talked last night and he said that he doesn't believe in happiness, not as a state- moments of happiness, yes.  I went to the laundry room and shoo-ed Jenny away and then snuck one of her puppies out.  A plump little brown thing whose eyes are just beginning to open.  Took the pup to Dean and made him hold it.  Happiness exists, and it is more than just moments.  Of that, I am sure.  The world is a beautiful place and all around, every moment, life is happening.  Right now my roses are blooming like mad, in December- somehow I have to think there is a reason for it all. 

My New Year's resolution: to go out in joy and allow myself to be led forth in peace, to seize not just the day, but the moment.  Every day I will ask myself what I am doing with my one, wild, precious life- then live the life that was meant for me and not the one I planned.  It's going to be a beautiful thing.  Wait and see.