My Name is Mommy

You can do it at a trot, but it's better to GALLOP!

Our inaugural beach ride was fantastic.  I started out the day running late, groggy and stressed trying to get myself out the door.  We were meeting at Salinas River State Park and as always, I was running behind from the start.  Then I had to stop and get Starbucks.  Then I got lost.  When I finally arrived, the group(Liz, Shawn, Megan and another couple of women that are in training with Shawn) had already been out for their initial ride and had come back for me.  Apollo was kicking the shit out of the trailer and acting like a hell-horse in there apparently.  Poor guy was wondering why his herd left him behind and why his mama wasn't there to take him out like the rest of the ponies.

Tacked up and borrowed a neighboring trailer's step stool to hop onto Apollo.  Let's just note here for the record- I ride in a Niedersuss Symphony dressage saddle.  It's got a very comfy, deep seat and I ride with my stirrups quite long (just to give you an idea, when jumping- I would take my stirrups up about 3 holes so I could get up out of my tack over jumps- and I would not jump in a dressage saddle since jumping requires you to get up off the horse so as to keep in balance and not interfere with his back)(just to give you another idea- jockeys ride on those little saddles with their legs all scrunched up high so as to not interfere with the horse). So, our line heads down to the beach.  One of the horses(big spotty brown horse named Outlaw who is Shawn's horse and I covet greatly because he is an absolute dream to ride AND he racks AND he's spotty) gets into the soft, deep, warm sand and tries to lay down and roll!  We followed the sandy trail down to the beach.  Apollo got onto the wide open beach and is a little nervous- he spooks at  a wave coming in and crashing on the sand, he spooks at some scrub brush on the land side... each time it is a little like being on a roller coaster- he drops and skitters to the side.  Thankfully, we've been riding in the park so much lately, I'm feeling very confident- not stupid-confident but relaxed-confident- and Apollo settles down pretty quickly.  Liz is riding nearby on Power who looks like a young, shiny, show-horse- the black in his coat glinting in the sun.  This is Liz's first time to the beach but she and Power are, as always, riding like they've been there a hundred times before.  The horses all had that little extra spark to them, probably because they love the sun and the sand and the water and getting out somewhere new and different, just like we do.  We headed down the beach- lots of new, fun stuff to encounter- other horses, bright balls being tossed about by children, kites with long, flashy tails- all this with waves crashing and the surf creeping up to 'get us'.  It was faulous weather and eventually, we let the horses out to run.  It was absolutely fabulous with Apollo.  Our first run was actually a nicely controlled canter and it felt just amazing with salty air blowing through my hair and the sensation of running through the sand is very different than any other.  It seems like I can feel the power of my horse so much more.

We got a little further down the beach and decided to go for another run.  This is when things got  little wild with Apollo, he was apparently transported back to his track days because I lost complete control and he was galloping top-speed.  Come to find out, Outlaw was right on our tail and Apollo was NOT going to let that horse 'win'.  Unfortunately, we were running out of beach, coming up on a little ravine with an inlet/river running down to the ocean from the land.  I was pushing my seat down as hard as I could trying to bring Apollo back in.  I ride him with a french snaffle which, with him, I might as well be using a halter.  Usually, he's a very sensitive horse, but when he gets out of his head a little- tough to bring him back.  Luckily, Megan managed to stop Outlaw and I turned Apollo before we came to the edge.    Lost him again on the way back- he took off after Outlaw yet again and I was trying to get up out of the saddle and was instead getting my crotch slammed against the pommel with every stride.  OW! At one point I just gave up and let him go, I was simply hanging on.  Bailing out when you're galloping at 30 mph- not so smart but for some reason, always seems like the knee-jerk reaction.(Huh, I do that with skiiing, too.)  So yeah, tried to stay with the horse and eventually we won our race.  Of course, Apollo never really settled down after that and jogged and pranced the rest of the way in.  He was all lathered up when we got back and I felt sorry for the guy but he does it to himself.  He sure looks pretty when he's doing his show-pony prance and is all collected and 'up' looking.

Everyone else had packed a lunch- Liz and I ate our Starbucks muffins.  We hung out around the trailer for a bit and chatted.  Outlaw relieved himself:

Liz was a little embarrassed for him- Megan was noticeably put off:

We took pictures with our fabulous steeds:

   

Foxy was absolutely awesome today... I think in some respects she was easier and more relaxed than Apollo.  Do love this pic of Power and Apollo- chillin' out after a hard ride on the beach.  I do love our boys.

After the beach ride, we loaded back up to drive up into the Redwoods to ride.  At first, I was feeling alot more relaxed because we were out in a setting more like the park that we usually ride in... more familiar territory.  Of course, right off we head out and start up this big hill.  Well, of course the idea is the run and apparently Power and Apollo thought we were being chased by mountain lions.  Plural- because we know if it was only one, Power and Apollo would totally faced it down, kicked it's ass and Liz and I would have new hats(I'm sure Shawn would make steaks out of the rest of it).  Sorry, I digress.  But anyhow, comparing notes today- the horses were way out of control.  I pretty much just stood in my stirrups, grabbed a fistful of mane and gave Apollo his head.  He must have been a teensy bit tired because when I heard Liz holler "Hold Up!!", we were actually able to stop.  What a sight, to be up front seeing all those horses racing toward us- Apollo skittering to the side, wanting to take off again since he is a born and bred racehorse.

The park was amazing and beautiful- we had to climb a bit to get up where the redwoods were but man, what a vision to be out in the forest with the sunlight filtering through the canopy ...   There is Shawn on Foxy and she was cool as a cucumber- I actually can't wait to get out and ride her about.  You can see some of the redwoods behind us- the trail we wanted to go on was closed to equestrians- maybe due to rain?  So we stuck to the larger trails.  It was an incredible ride. 

Here I am being jostled about as Apollo trots back *down* the trail on our way in.  Yes, right up until the very last he was trotting when everyone else was walking, prancing up a storm.  One of the other women riding with us was like, "Is that a special gait of his? Did you train him to do that?"  Uh, yeah, reminds me of a time when we were in Sunol and Apollo had is neck all arched because he was getting ready to either try and buck me off or bolt up Flag Hill and one of the girls on the ride I was wrangling asked, "Is he a show horse?" Yes, yes- a show horse with specially trained gaits.  He pirouettes, too.. want to see his arabesque?  Can we wait until I'm off him first?

Listened to some great music driving the scenic route home.  Had a good conversation with a friend of mine on the drive.  Always feels good to connect with people... sometimes it is in a weird horse-person triangle and sometimes it is just being open and honest and yourself.  One thing that is oh-so-clear to me after riding with a group of people on the beach- it would be nice if our actions only ever affected ourselves, if what we did right or what we did wrong came back to just us as our due rewards or consequences.  Unfortunately and maybe just as fortunately, we are all in this together and sometimes we need to look our for each other while still remembering we're on our own horse and have to take care of ourselves, too.  Like in riding, in life- balance is everything.

You can read Liz's take on events at her blog: Um... This is my life...

Apollo says: "Hey bitch, where's my carrot?"

Today was a great day, busy but great.  Busy and great.  I went to the grocery store this morning to pick a couple of things up and then stopped at Starbucks on my way home. Who is the last person waiting in line? Dean!  So I walk up behind him and get really close.  He turns to see who is behind him but as he glances over his shoulder, I move just out of his line of sight.  Same when he turns the other way.  We do this a few times.  Finally, he gives up and goes back to waiting in line.  At that point I lean forward and blow on the back of his neck.  He spins around, totally surprised and I bust up laughing.  So, then we hugged and kissed while we waited in line.  He put his arms around and stuck both his hands in the back pockets of my jeans and pulled me close.  We chatted and laughed, me with my arms around his neck, and when we got up to the front of the line they had my drink all ready for me.  It was a perfect moment and even writing about it I feel like I can't do it justice.  Us: laughing, happy.

So, I think the difference is that I would have times like that... 10 times a day... if I could.  Some people, I think, can go weeks, months, years? on that.  It's like I'm hypoglycemic- I need to get me some suga' every couple of hours or things get ugly. So why the hell am I not snuggled up with Dean right now, onding away? Heh. He's in Kendyl's room playing Guitar Hero. That's right.  I can see where the next ew days, maybe weeks are going to go...

The living room floor is finished.  We used a dark teak stain and a high gloss polyurethane to finish it.  It is far from perfect, but for some reason, I just love the imperfections.  It's a beautiful, chocolatey brown.  The fireplace is going to get tiled over with some white marble- should look nice when it is all done.  The guys got on the baseboard this afternoon- white with a little detail but fairly simple- looks really nice and crisp with the blue.

Got lots of work done today- I have been on fire with work.  That always feels good, to be so productive.  It was weird, too, because I was up all night last night.  I was really tired today and things start looking weird when you're tired.  I took a nap with Chocolate early in the evening and the girls kept bouncing in and out and finally I got up.  We went to scour the Chinese Easter sales- this is what Dean calls the 75% after-holiday markdowns... don;t ask me... I'm just repeating it.  It seems to have stuck.  I think it is because Chinese New Year isn't at the same time as our New Year... uh, whatever.  I'm still tired.

Do you have people that you like to talk to, pretty much no matter what?  Like you could even be in sort of a fight or whatever and still want to talk to them?  It's weird how just hearing someone's voice, chatting to them can make you feel good.  Could just be saying "blah blah blah" (probably usually what we are saying, heh) but hey, its alright.  Love those kinda people.

I'm eating cheese puffs.  I really must go to bed.

How to make me fall in love with you.

Do not bring me flowers.  Leave the flowers where they are.  Take me to a field with flowers in it and lie down with me and look up at the sky.  Tell me that the clouds look like rabbits and sheep and an ice cream cone.

If you must bring me flowers, bring me peonies and lavendar.

When you are surprised to see me, throw your arms around me

Come with me among the sycamores and oak and climb with me.  Sit on a branch, dangle your legs and tell me what you believe.  Have something to live for.  I mean really, something you live and breathe.  Have some things you'd die for, too.  Be for others, not just yourself.  But be for yourself, as well, because you are the one I want.

Let me sleep next to you in bed with a puppy, even if he might pee or chew up our Ralph Lauren sheets.  Even if he licks your mouth while you're half asleep and it is slow to dawn on you what else he's licked.

Kiss my forehead sometimes instead of just my lips because that makes me feel cherished and protected.  Hold my hand, even when its awkward.  I like to know you are near.

Always eat too much chocolate and always eat the ears off your Easter bunny first.  Complain heartily later that you ate too much chocolate so I can be sympathetic and rub your belly and say I told you so.

The future is a wonderful, exciting place but all we have for sure is now.  Be here with me.

Catch my eye from across the room and know that we'll laugh about it later. Make me laugh. Tickle me. Laugh with me.  Don't be afraid to make a fool of yourself, let me be a fool with you.

Have a favorite color and know mine.  Turn your head when someone passes you in a crowd wearing the same perfume I do.  When you go away let me sleep in your sweater so you envelope me as I fall asleep.

When I have a hare-brained idea, go with it.  You might have fun.  I know I will if you are there with me.  Let me tell you how and why I adore you.  There might be things I know about you that you don't know about yourself.

When I am mean and grouchy, don't turn away from me- just hug me and tell me it'll be okay.

Save me, Missy!

I just ran to Starbucks to pick up my black-tea-lemonade-10-pumps-classic-please.  Look, I live on the stuff, it's not like I eat so cut me a break.  I am getting a little chubby I've noticed.  Maybe too many pumps, after all.  Shawn pointed out on Sunday's ride how huge my breasts are and then Liz asked me what was up, if I was pregnant('cuz we know, if nothing else I am big box of hormones- and not the good ones).  Survey says? I'll leave you hanging in suspense for now. 

Anyhow, driving back from Starbucks, I pulled up next to- you guessed it, a tan Lexus SUV.  There was a girl sitting in the passenger seat.  She must've been 13 or 14- skin like a porcelain doll, cerulean blue eyes with the thickest, longest eyelashes, and long, dark hair pulled back with a clip. She looked so sad, I wanted to knock on her window and ask her if she was okay.  Then the light changed.  It is a beautiful, sunny day and work is great and the floors are looking fabulous and all my friends have checked in alive and well.  But I can't get that girl's face out of my mind. 

I think I want to get rid of the lexus.  I shouldn't have let them take the VW van away.  We had so many good times in that thing.  If I could go back, that's when I would go back to- hot, sweaty days along the Rio Grande, watching the clouds roll in by moonlight over the Painted Dessert at the start of monsoon season, waking up surrounded by deer- that was the first time I'd ever seen a wild turkey, sliding down the dunes at White Sands...

But no, here I sit.  I feel like I'm on a plane and both wings are on fire but everyone is talking or watching movies or on their computers.  Am I the only one that realizes the plane is crashing?  No, actually, I think Missy knows:

Save me, Missy!

Help!

Save me!

Missy??

MISSY!!!!

Later still!

Okay, Dean is dragging me off to bed now (oo la la).  Uh uh.

Still debating over the ebony stain or the dark teak stain for the floor- the ebony will hide alot of flaws but the teak is really warm and yummy... I so cannot decide.

Boo is an absolute little scamp.  I adore him.  He's getting so big, so quickly.  He's not all that content to hang out on my lap all day like Chocolate which is why Choco is still my favorite pup- he's just a llittle love.  But Boo has character.  He's been a trouble-maker since day one.  He is always stirring things up.  I lve how when he sees me and runs to me his back end goes faster than his front end, he usually ends up tripping over himself or doing the sideways run.  Dean took Boo to work yesterday and he was quite the hit.  Dean had no problems with him aside from some occasional whining.  I took Chocolate to Dale's Hardware with me today.  It took me about four times as long as it should have because of all the chicks that wanted to stop and pet him.  That's right, I have Chocolate: Chick Magnet.  Just what I need, right? 

Umm.. what else... we got the living room floor stripped today and will do more sanding tomorrow and hopefully stain.  The wood, I have to say, is simply beautiful.  Yes, it requires some patching- but I do love the flaws in it- just feels... I don't know- special? Different?  It's been trapped under all that carpet for god knows how long.  Now it is free.  Yay!

Purple and green make joy!  Vi loves her St. Patrick's Day boa.  What a way to go green, right?  Kermit got nothin' on my girl.  Vi was hilarious tonight.  The girl, not unlike her mom, loves to talk about sex.  And of course she knows I'm always happy to chat with her about it.  Tonight she was asking me about the horses and sex and so we got on You Tube and watched some pony porn.  She was like "Is that what you and papa do?"  I said, "Um, not exactly but same idea." She thought that was hilarious.  I explained that humans, because of their anatomical design, have the luxury of being able to have sex face-to-face and not only that, but that's the ONLY way some married people ever have sex.  I told her that sometimes it's fun to do it like the horses do it, change it up a bit.  I know, I know, thank god I'm only corrupting my child.  I grew up in an environment where sex was mysterious and shameful and embarassing(oh yes, and the naked bodies that go along with it are equally mortifying)- that ends here with me.  I do, of course, point out that the horses are married and love each other very much and are well over 21 in equine years.  The conversation actually digressed into a discussion of female anatomy and where the urethra is versus the vagina and where exactly babies come out.  Yeah.  And of course where the corresponding parts are on a horse.  Then we talked about why horses go into 'season' and how it's good to be born in the spring so you are strong enough to survive the following winter.  Do love chatting with Vi.

Everything is fabulous when you're wearing a boa.

Let them go.

I came across a fantastic quotation this morning.  Sometimes things get thrown down in front of you for you to trip over just when you need to be tripped up.

Reading Liz's post about Nate going off to chase his dream of training horses, I had some fantastic insight into my own life.  You don't want to be the one that holds another person back from their fulfillment, their happiness.  Sure, they might never know what they're missing if we held on but we always know when that space in us goes unfilled.  We all are aware, consciously or unconsciously of the holes in our heart, the unfilled spaces in our soul that longs for wholeness.  What a gift to give someone the space to try and find their heart's desire.  And we never know when divergent paths may cross again, we have to remain open to the possibilities that the universe affords us.  Anything that closes us up, holds us back or shuts us off is a detriment.

We all have a finite amount of everything- breaths, days, energy.  We have to expend those resources where they are wanted, acknowledged, appreciated and returned.  Sometimes it is enough just to be wanted. Sometimes it isn't. Here is the quotation:

There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you... When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

Late.

Dean is still up working and I am, again, perusing furniture for the living room.  The carpet got pulled up in the girl's room today and the wood floor underneath is looking pretty good.  I'm excited to see how it all comes out in the end.  I'm not opposed to having flaws in the wood floor- I think that is one of the cool things about having a real wood floor- it has its own history.

I am struck this evening with sense of disappointment.  Why do I always have such high hopes for people in my life?  Why do I set these unattainable levels of expectation?  Maybe someday I will get lucky and not be disappointed.  But maybe that will come from me, shifting my expectations lower.  I protest on principle.

It is funny how so much can change in such a short amount of time.  For example, when we first bought Apollo I would never have thought we'd sell him, buy Cosette, breed her and end up with Foxy only to have Apollo come back to us... Same thing... never imagined when we bought out house in N Seattle that a year later I would be pregnant and packng the house up to move down here to California.  Yet, a year later- here we were.  I guess the point is, you just never know where time will take you when you let it.  I wonder where I will be in a year? 5 years?

How is it we can be so convinced we want something one day and then a few days later you can't even imagne what you were thnking?

Work is going along spectacularly.  I am working on a few- as in three- research proects which will hopefully be incorporated into some press releases.  Fun stuff surrounding industry news and trends.  Feeling good and productive does wonders for my mental health.

Looks like vacation plans will have to be put on hold as Avery is in th grips of some nasty upper respiratory infection.  Time was getting short anyway.  I'm planning to take friday off and go riding at the beach- must get Liz to the beach on a horse.  I'm still in shock that she hasn't been.

So Liz and I discussed a possible plan.  We've decided that we may actually be soulmates, kindred spirits, whatever the hell you want to call it... let's say we have a deep conection.  We could buy our ranch somewhere, rely on one another and keep, in addition to the horses, a whole other kind of stable(to meet those needs we cannot fulfill for one another(few but somewhat distinct).

Don't mind me and my late night rambling.  I'll come to my senses with the light of day. Heh.

Time for bed.

Monday always comes too fast.

Ave is home sick today.  She's been sleeping most of the day away.  That's how you know they are really sick- when they are quite and sleepy.  I hate it.  I hate when my kids are sick.  Maybe it's a bad trait but I always want to fix things for them and illness is frustrating because it can't be fixed, really.  I can't tell you how many times I was up in the night checking on her to make sure, yes, I'm crazy, she was still breathing and everything.  It was realy bad when they were little- thank god they both nursed for so long and slept with me or I literally would have lost four years of sleep. 

Vi went to Adventure Time today because I didn't want her hanging around the house all day not being able to do anything because Ave is sick and I have to work.  She looked so pretty today in a dark blue sundress with a brigt blue ribbon in her black hair.

Liz has started a blog! Go Lizza! Ceck it out at Um Yeah, This is my life... . I'm so excited! Another blog convert!

Liz found a home for Blackie with one of her coworkers/girls in the city.  Fabulous!

I'm restless.  I'm perusing equestrian property ads.  Take me away...

Hoppy Easter!!

Having a fantastic Easter so far.  Had our egg hunt first thing this morning.  Then I got ready and headed out for a ride with Liz and Shawn.  It was charter-members-only day for the Sunday Riding Club.  The three of us rode through Sycamore Park to a place where we could tie the horses up and then walked across the street to Wente Winery's restaurant.  We had the most absolutely indulgent brunch- I had a fresh strawberry tart, steak and eggs and chocolate mousse crepes.  Of course, I couldn't eat it all but I made a good run at it.  There  was plenty of alcohol to go around.  Shawn is friends with one of the managers and so not only did we get in when they were entirely booked for Easter Brunch, we got free drinks, as well. Went back out and the horses were still where we left them, mounted back up and rode back.  It was a beautiful, sunny day in the 70's.  Felt like summer.  Felt like heaven.

Apollo was tuckered out today.  He was sane and "old-hat"- even when Foxy freaked out a couple of times his reaction wasn't "AAAGGGHHH!" but "I'm getting the hell outta her way!".   Which, uh, is a good reaction considering she doesn't seem to care too much who she sideswipes when she's wheeling around spooking at something.  Every time I'm out there with Foxy I feel so good.  There was a time when the decision to breed Cosette and get Foxy weighed heavily on me as a huge mistake.  Now, she is everything and more that I hoped she would be.  She is going to be fabulous and I can't wait for her to get a little more finished off.

I have to honestly admit that if it weren't for these weekend rides, I think I would be in the nut house.  It has been a crazy year.  And while I've been learning lots of good stuff about myself and the people I love- sometimes lessons can come with a steep price.  These rides, out in nature, out with the horse- this is when I am truly happy and at peace.  This is when I am the most myself I ever am.  I only wish everyone could have a piece of it- that everyone could feel this wonderful feeling of conquering fears, being at one with another creature, experiencing closeness and connection with other people and being surrounded by all the beauty the world has to offer- all rolled up into the most important few hours of my week.  You never know when people come into your life, what role they will play.  I don't know how Lizza fell into my lap but the universe smiled on me when we met and I thank the heavens she is in my life daily.  She is an amazing woman. (Isn't she a gorgeous girl? And that's just the outside! You should see what's in her heart...)  And at one time, Shawn was a serious source of angst and disappointment for me.  We've come through all that to become true friends- I really think he'd be there for me if I called him in the middle of the night.  I certainly couldn't be anywhere near as happy right now if I didn't have the two of them on my team.   

Blessed.  That's the only word I can find.  I've been blessed.  And no, it's not always rosie.  People don't come tied up in nice packages with a satin bow on top(and beware if they appear to!) but once you get past the shit and accept the quirks and foibles.... people are beautiful and amazing and you are lucky to truly know someone for who they are really.

Our boys and Foxy waiting for us to come back from brunch and rescue them.  I was worried that one of them- likely Foxy, would escape and then set the others loose and the god knows what sort of havoc they would wreak on the place.  But no, we came back and aside from Apollo having tried to paw to China... everyone was present and accounted for.  Beautiful out in the park, no?!?

Apollo had a fantastic roll out in the pasture after we got back.  He got hosed off and then fed some sweet feed then turned out to roll and graze.  I've heard the dust leeps the flies away, but when I watch him roll, I can tell he is scratching/stretching his back.  Do love watching him do this as he just looks so happy and comfy.

We're now going on a walk, the whole family and all the puppies.  We'll probably play a bit at the park.  Nat and Kendyl took the girls out for Easter brunch at the Elephant Bar while I was gone.  They had a good time.  Nothing else exciting going on... just eating lots of candy.

Have a Hoppiest of Easters!!   

Hippety hoppety.

Well it looks like that bad little Easter Bunny has been and gone- leaving in his wake a plethora of hidden eggs and enough candy to rot the teeth of, well, everyone.

Today was a fantastic day.  Dean and I headed out to ride after Kendyl took the girls to an Easter party with her mom.  Shawn was running late so I hung out with Apollo and Liz and we chatted.  Dean visited with Foxy.  He hasn't seen her in a while but he loves her hard and that just isn't going to go away.  Liz was decked out in full cowgirl regalia with her hat and everything- isn't she adorable?  I do adore my dear Lizza. 

We went to ride out at Sycamore again.  Apollo was quite up in the beginning as there were a few horses with another group just ahead of us.  Apollo can't stand to have anyone ahead of him so he was prancing and tossing his head to say, "Hey, Mom, aren't we going to run and catch up with those horses?!"  He settled down when they got out of sight.  He only got a little bucky/prancy when we turned around to head back and suddenly found ourselves at the end of the line and behind a bitchy little palomino mare who kept threatening to kick us.  Apollo and I trotted off trail to cut back out to the front of the line and then things were much better.  We had another fantastic canter, jumped over a couple of logs.  As I tried to go up into two-point position, I was like "huh, dressage saddle" which is not so terribly suited for jumping.  The weather was beautiful and we were all in wonderful spirits- lots of laughs and good talks.  Dean was out, too, and rode Maisy.  I am convinced now I need to find a nice gelding that Dean can take out to ride regularly.  He was really into it and enjoyed the ride- was def. up for more.  But yeah, great ride today.  Only really dicey moment was when some idiot bicyclist zipped by me and Apollo from behind- and was really close.  Apollo spooked just a bit but the whole thing sort of took me by surprise because we were just turning to go dwn a little trail to the creek for a water crossing.  Anyhow, we recovered nicely and completed our ride with all bones intact.  Any ride that ends like that with Apollo is a good ride.  Kidding, he has been super lately- just wonderful.

Anyhow, can I gush any more? The day was gorgeous- Dean and I listened to music on the drive home, dropped into Starbucks to get my black tea lemonade... we're both a bit sunburned as we were outside for so long. 

Spent the evening dyeing eggs with the girls.  My sister came over to help.  The girls were worn out from a busy day but enthusiastic nonetheless.

The living room is painted and so is the girls room and both colors turned out fabulously!  I am so thrilled.  The blue in the living room is even better than what I'd hoped for.  And the girls were very happy with the shade of purple they picked out and how it looks on the walls.  I've found a couple of really cute accents to add to their room- a couple of flower lights that go on the wall and some cute filials in the shape of roses for the curtain rod...

Will be off for another ride tomorrow morning. can't wait already.  I could ride every day out in the park and never get sick of it.  Too bad I always have to wear my dorky-ass helmet.  No, wait, helmets are way cool- head injuries are dumb. Yeah.  I don't know, Apollo has settled down so much I *almost* trust him... that's usually wen I run into problems and land in the ER. Heh.   Oh well, whatcha gonna do?  He's my boy.  Tomorrow we've got plans to ride out to Wente winery, brunch and then we'll ride back.  I suppose that means I should shower first.  It was really fantastic to see Dean out with Foxy, reconnecting.  Good times out there.  Can you see the hair on my breastage in this shot?  That's right, I've got a hairy chest, as my oh-so-mature riding partner Lizzie pointed out not less than a few times today.  She's my girl... what would I do without her? (Good lord, look at those thighs.  I thought black was supposed to be slimming? I can hear the thunder just looking at the picture now. Ha. Well, at least I have some work for my plastic surgeon to get busy on.)

The beach.  That is the next must-do on our list of riding adventures.  The park is fantastic but, honestly, there is nothing like riding at the beach.  Can't beat the feeling of the salty air blowing through your hair, the sound of the waves crashing and hooves pounding on the sand, feeling like you are absolutely flying.  And Liz has never been.  I told her "Even Dean has been to the beach!" 

I'm excited- the Easter Bunny got Dean a big book of places to go and cool stuff to do in the Bay Area and a book of hiking trails and maps.  My goal is to work our way through those over the course of the summer- with or without horses.  t will be awesome.  Adventures ahead, my friends.   

A new day.

Okay, I'm about to use a totally inappropriate word.

Today is one GREAT FUCKING DAY!!  Yep. I am so excited.  The girls are off to a kids Easter party at the Moose Lodge(don't ask) with Auntie Kendyl and her mom and Dean and I are headed out with Liz and Shawn to go riding.  Sweet!  We're going to have a FABULOUS ride- the weather is perfect, not a hint of wind.  After my ride last week I am absolutely rarin' to go- get up on Apollo, do a little cantering, a little jumping- woo hoo!

Okay.  I'll calm down now. 

Dean made some kickass fajitas for dinner last night and because of the state of the house, all four of us slept in our bed last night.  What a friggin' great way to wake up in the morning with the girls snuggled up on either side of Dean and I- everyone warm and giggly.  Fantastic.  This is it.  God, if I could just bottle this. 

It's strange, too, how sometimes all you need is a little perspective.  Something can seem so big and important and then, *click*. A switch flips.  Some might see it as a flaw in me but I think it lends itself to my particular type of resiliency... when that switch flips, I just move on to something else.

Chocolate is helping me here.  Okay.  Off to ride and have a FANTASTIC day.

I love it.  I love you. Have a fantastic weekend.

The color has been chosen!

But don't ask me to make any other choices.

Well, that feels good.  Picked out a beautiful blue for the living room.  It's dark but I think it's going to be pretty and it is a big room with a big window so I'm not worried about it looking small or dark.  The color is called Winter Lake.  That suits me just fine!

The girls will get to pick out their color when they get home.  I'm guessing they'll go with a pinkish-purple, but I've been known to be wrong before.

I'm reading and working through a great book called "Finding Your Own North Star".  Some very interesting stuff I'm finding out about myself.

Last night was great because I was really tired and Vi had gone to sleep in our bed, I crawled into the middle and Dean snuggled right in behind me and we fell asleep like that- with his leg over mine and my arm over his arm which was around me.  We used to sleep like that all the time(back in the days when all we had was my old full-sized bed) and god, I guess I've missed it because it is one of those things thst has been really great to have back lately.  But anyway- so snuggled up to go to sleep- woke up with me on my back and Dean's head on my chest and his arm around my waist and Vi on my other arm- went back to bed for a few minutes while the girls were eating breakfast and getting ready just to snuggle and giggle.  Between the workers showing up and kids needing to get off to school, nothing was going down- but it felt good, it felt close, really close and relaxed, for the first time in a long time.  Not perfect, but like we could do it and do it together and it would be okay.

My counselor is pushing me to make some decisions regarding the direction I want to go in with my life and my relationship.  We discussed how I could change my circumstances to be happier even if nothing else were to change.  I was like, "Move to a cottage on the beach and ride my horses all day long?" I just find things confusing because when everything is going well- my job, school, life with the kids, life with the horses... I don't feel nearly as discontent with my relationship.  And maybe I am an absolute fool to think that there is anything better out there.  I mean, come on, true love?  Love at first sight? Unconditional love?  That great, big, all-consuming passion?  Oh sure, I think you can have pieces- but to find a truly passionate relationship that is backed by unconditional love?  Not sure if I believe in that except with my girls... and that is not romantic love- it's is just pure, unadulterated, honest-to-goodness, real love. 

Maybe this is all I need.  It is pretty great, after all. 

How's the house coming, you ask?

There is, as I write this, a fine layer of dust settling over everything in the house.  Our workers are in the girls room sanding the walls so they can texture. What a mess.  And more to come.  Oh, if only I hadn't peeled the paint off the wall in my bedroom- they wouldn't be headed there next.  Yep, there was this little spot where someone had bumped something against the wall and the paint started coming up.  Before we moved in, this was a rental house and the previous owners had painted the 1970's knockdown-covered walls with exterior paint.  When we moved in and painted over it, well, I noticed the paint didn't adhere too well in places.  Indeed, now these many years later in both my room and the girls room there are spots where the paint has bubbled up and away.  Pickers that we all are(despite the girls trying to blame the chinchilla for the 4 foot square piece of wall picked clean of paint) there are now huge patches where paint has been peeled off the walls.

The house will feel all brand new with the new texture, a fresh coat of paint, new baseboard and the new recessed lighting.  The biggest challenge will be putting everything back together again. Yikes.  If only I could hire someone to decide if I wanted to keep stuff or throw it out and then... you know, throw it out.  But no, I don't want someone else throwing my stuff out. Oh no.  After all-- you never know when you might need those Chuck-E-Cheese tokens or those cards for the batting cages that we've had in the drawer for 7- yes, SEVEN- years.

The electrician moved the dining room table chandelier three times so there are a couple of extra holes in our dining room ceiling that we don't need.  They are going to patch those up today.  Sweet.

Still haven't picked out the paint.  Need to get paint.

Mommy's greasy spoon.

Just whipped up a pile of hash browns.  Dunno why but I'm on the potatoes lately.  Do love a potato any way it comes, but especially shredded and fried down-home style.

Yesterday was a great day- I got a ton accomplished at work which feels fantastic.  No client day this week so I don't have to drive to St. Helena or Napa which is kinda nice.

I seem to be stuck on a new CD which is Sara Melson's Dirty Mind.

The living room is done being textured but I still haven't decided on the paint which I need to do.  They guys are working on the girl's bedroom today. 

All of Viola's "Aquasoars" (Sorry, they weren't actually sea monkies) are dead except for one which is waggling around on its back.  It's painful to watch.

Soccer practice went well last night until Vi took me out.  The ball was nowhere near me, either! Little scamp.  Well, things can get a bit rough when you're playing sharks and minnows.

I'm working on my Easter menu.  Anyone got any good recipes out there?  I sort of feel like making Thanksgiving for Easter this year.  Or, heh, I know... maybe we'll have rabbit!

Can you tell I'm bored and have nothing exciting to share?  I am still procrastinating picking out a color for the living room.

Homework

Everyone's had alot of homework lately.  This is what Vi came home with last night:

Things I Love by Vi

God, My Parents, Myself, Mrs. G, friends, family, love, learning, pets, my school, earth, food, water, holidays, disneyland, birthdays, cookies, nature.

What would be on your list?

We're going on a trip for Spring Break(despite te fact that everyone else will be, too).  We have no idea where we are going to go yet.  How's that for planning ahead?

I thought I was ready for this.

I am so not ready for this.

They are retexturing and painting the living room today.  Ave has decided she's sick and needs to stay home from school.  I'm sick.  The house is in CHAOS.

Okay, but then it will be done, right?  The living room will be all fresh and new feeling. Ah. I can hang new curtains, pick out a nice shade of beige or something for the walls.  Deep breaths. Ahhh.

God, I hadn't even thought of that- what color is the living room supposed to be?  Another shade of blue?  Would be kinda funny if the whole house was different shades of blue.  Except, I think the girsl want their room to be burple or something- close enough.  I am tempted to paint the living room something weird but that would just mean having to paint again when we sell the house... which we might have to do anyway, but eh... whatever.

Anyone got any good living room colors?

Daily grind.

I snuggled up with Dean and Chocolate last night and watched "Becoming Jane".  Have to say I thoroughly enjoyed it- so much so, I really don't want to know just how true it is or not.  Jane Austen, according to the film, let the love of her life go because for him to marry her would have caused him to lose financial standing and would have ruined his reputation. 

I couldn't sleep after that and so got up and dashed off some e-mails to friends and did a little work.  When I finally went to bed again at 4am, I had vivid dreams with people in them long gone from my life.  Must be the reminiscing over the weekend that brought them to my subconscious mind.  I woke with my heart pounding because I was riding Apollo over green, grassy fields- jumping brooks and fences- faster and faster.  I used to have dreams like that when I was pregnant with Avery and I couldn't ride- every night I was flying over fields and beaches, over fences and through rivers.  Now I always dream about Apollo- back then it was different horses.

Today was a quiet day.  I worked.  Dean was home by seven and we made pizza and lasagna and spaghetti- italian grab bag dinner night. The pizza turned out quite nicely.

I have a sore throat and the Goopey Eye (tm) and am otherwise congested- looks like I shouldn't have shared a drink with Viola at the height of her illness.  Duh.  I'm going to try and go to bed early and get a little extra rest.

P.S. I think I finally have to retire my pink and red flannel pj bottoms that I have dearly loved for so many years- they are completely ventilated in the ass now and I think when you don't have to pull your pants dwn anymore to go to the bathroom- Houston, we have a problem.

Sorry, no great revelations or ruminations today.

God, one of my delicate little flowers just let rip a wall-shaking, gut-wrenching belch.  Sweet.

It just keeps coming.

We're watching "Three is a Magic Number" and singing along.  They show a cartoon family of three- mom, dad and baby. 

Dean: That's you, Vi.

Me: You had a big chin, hunny.

Dean: At least I had a chin.

Me: What are we going to do? We're four now...

Vi: We should have twins!

Me: Twins? You want two MORE little sisters?

Vi: Siamese twins!

Ave: That's a person with two heads, isn't it?

Me: It's "conjoined" twins and why would you want to have twins that were conjoined?

Vi: Then we wouldn't have to get two more beds, they could share one of the bunk beds.

Uh. Yeah.

I am now listening to Dean try to explain infinity to Vi and Ave. 

I think I need a drinkie.

Children, avert your eyes...

I was trying to show Dean how to properly hold the bow of the violin earlier today.  He was bowing away in the bedroom with the door closed and the girls and I sat and shook our heads at one another.  Dean might stick with the piano.

Overheard this afternoon:

Me: So, are we going to get Viola a viola and the three of us can play while you accompany us on the piano?

Dean: What? Are you saying I can't be the one to play a stringed instrument?

Me: Uh. Yeah. So, I've always wanted to learn to play the cello.

Pause.

Me: I've always wanted to have something big between my legs.

Dean: I've never had that problem.

*laughter* <--- I will neither confirm or deny that I actually fell off my chair laughing.

Birthday suit.

I've decided that part of my problem is that I have a fantastic life.  If life sucked then I think it would be alot easier to change, I'd be more motivated.  We do have a good time when we put our minds to it.  But that's just it, as much fun as we have and as good a life as we're living- relatively speaking of course, based on the good old status quo- something isn't right.  Don't know if it's me or what's around me.  I've been putting alot of the onus for my unhappiness on my marriage, but I've also noticed lately that the more I put in, the more I get out.  It's just someone's gotta give first.  And I was talking with a friend the other day about how I was telling Dean I wanted to pack up the kids, dogs and horses and move to the beach- I could totally see myself riding on the beach every morning with the girls, homeschooling them. My friend basically said that maybe it was good I was with someone like Dean- ostensibly to keep me grounded. WTF?  Yeah, because you wouldn't want to actually run off and live a fabulous life just because it doesn't fit the norm. 

I've been a hard worker my whole life- it runs in the family.  My grandfather was such a workaholic, you know the story, that when he died my grandmother said to me, "He spent the last 30 years preparing me to be alone."  Same thing with my dad- up at six and off to work until after dark.  But work is just another place to hide- for men, though, its acceptable, even encouraged.  I suppose now in this day and age of 'preschool' for infants, it's more and more acceptable for women, as well.  In fact, we could, in the name of better education, just have other people entirely raise our kids as long as we're willing to foot the bill- both financially and socially.  If there are two people I would spend my entire day with, every day, day in and day out- it would be Vi and Ave.  But even with being a hard worker, it just seems like life shouldn't take this much effort- it should be easier to do all the stuff I need to do.  So, this makes me think something is wrong with the whole picture.  I don't know, you know how it's easy to get up in the morning when you have something exciting planned for the day?  Just seems like it should all be a bit easier.

But christ, no wonder women are so exhausted and it is so much 'work' to be with their kids- we're running them around to schools and activities that they are 'supposed' to go to, we're trying to keep our houses immaculate and things looking 'right'... for who, I'm not sure.  I guess we think if things look right then we're golden.  But I'll tell you- a couple things I wouldn't trade for all the Ivy League preschools in the world- time with my girls out at the ranch... the look on Vi's face trotting Maisy up behind me at the park the other day... Dean kissing me in the kitchen last night and the girls giggling and going "Oooo Mama and Papa are boyfriend and girlfriend!" (uh, yeah we're working on explaining all those comlex relationships)... it's just simple: time together, connecting, having fun.   And when mom and dad spend all their time on the phone and the computer and doing work and kids are parked in front of the television and ignored- they get pissy and they are hard to deal with, they do become alot of work- it's hard to be a parent on the side of doing other "more important" stuff.  No, it just takes attention and letting stuff go a little. Or alot.  Witness my laundry room.   

Today.  Today was good. I got up- threw on some clothes and headed out to the ranch.  Liz already had Apollo saddled up (thanks girl!) and we were off to the park.  We had a big group today- aside from Liz, Shawn and I there were four others along.  Don't ask me people names but I know all the horses that were there.  Pathetic, I know.  The thing is, while I'm riding, Apollo takes enough focus and energy that I don't have alot of time to chit chat with the people toward the back of the line.

Apollo won't let me go to the end of the line, anyway.  He has to be out front or he freaks out.  Once he gets far enough out, he's actually a pretty brave soul.  The two things it appears he is most likely to spook at: other horses- and people.  Of course, people kinda scare me, too- especially when they'll run with flapping windbreakers, drag their barking dogs, or bicycle at top speed through a pack of horses.  I mean, a horse only weighs like 1200 pounds and can kick with what kind of force?  But please, park-goers, don't let that stop you from scaring the living daylights out of the pretty ponies. 

Did learn today that the horses have the right-of-way in the park.  Sweet.  Today's ride was great.  We went a little further than usual to an area where there were some challenging spots- blind corners, low hanging branches and some narrow paths with some human activity nearby.  We were checking it out as we're going to brunch at the winery next weekend- so looking for a place to tie the horses up.  We went through the water- Foxy is doing a little bit better with it- she still doesn't seem to want to go first but she'll follow pretty willingly.  I don't know why I didn't think of it but Cosette(Foxy's dam) had a thing about water- did not like to get her dainty hooves wet and would literally jump over puddles rather than go through them.  Makes me wonder about genetics and stuff like that...  Anyhow, Apollo was pretty sedate on the ride out- not a bit of prancing.  On the way back we did a little trotting(I know, bad to let them run back but what the hell is the fun of having a horse if you can't do stuff you're not supposed to sometimes).  I jumped Apollo over a good sized log- we got hung up the first time so I took him back and we got a little more momentum going and ahhh, I wanted to just jump him over everything after that- but I restrained myself.  At the end of the ride, I let him out and cantered him past the parking lot- he feels so good in the canter.  Being out to pasture has really done something good for him.  We cantered past a couple of women and then passed them again as we walked back to the trailer- one of the women said, "Oh! That looks like so much fun!"  She was smiling from ear to ear.  Don;t know why that struck me, I guess because I remember a time when I wasn't riding and Dean and I would go out hiking and run into someone on horseback and I would be so in awe and envious.  Even when I was a kid I never got out of the arena much.  I've missed these past few years riding out on trails- used to take rides out of the Pack Station all the time and those were fabulous times. 

Ave is in the tub right now- ordering barbie dolls to play with from Kendyl and proclaiming to everyone that she is in her "birthday suit".  Think we're going to head over to Dennis and Lindsey's here shortly so the kids can play.  I am completely whupped but in the best way ever.  Vi is squeaking a tune out of the violin.  Maybe we'll have our own string trio.  How fabulous would that be? If Vi is going to play a string instrument, though, it's gotta be the viola, doncha think?

Last night Dean spent considerable amount of time with Chocolate.  He's trying to train Choco to "shake". Heh. If anyone wants a pup- we've still got Blackie.  Oh, and Jenny.  I think we're actually going to keep Chocolate and Boo.  We were just going to keep Boo but now Chocolate is my new best friend and I just can't let him go...

Anyhow, life is pretty fabulous- like I could just do this day over and over again and it would be heaven.  What's that quote about the outside of a horse being good for the inside of a man?  I'm feeling it today, definitely.    I get just enough of what I need, and that makes it difficult to change- especially when change is hard.  I have visions of another life, though, it's just I'm not quite sure how to get there.  The one thing that I know for sure- wherever I go and whatever I do with the entire rest of my life- this is what I want to define me most:

Q: What do you love about your spouse?

I'm going to counseling.  When I sae the counselor on Thursday she asked me a question that took me off guard.  Why?  I'm having marital issues- why would that particular question throw me off?  It wasn't the question.  It was how I answered it.  It was funny.  I'd start in on something I like about Dean and almost immediately move into the whole defensive, fault-finding, critical here's-what-I-don't-like deluge.

I have to ask myself if this is because I simply have reached a point where I can no longer focus on the positive things about my spouse? Am I looking to justify a decision I have already reached? Am I trying to arrive at a decision that I've said I've reached but I'm not really so sure deep down? Am I just a critical, nagging bitch?  When I make myself look at all the good things about Dean, there really are alot of strong points.  I guess part of the problem is... sugar is fabulous, sugar is sweet, sugar is just what you need when you make cookies- but what if you are making chicken pot pie and you don't need sugar? 

To continue along this metaphorical tangent- maybe you shouldn't try to make chicken pot pie if all you have are ingredients for cookies.  Maybe you should just make cookies and like them and not want chicken pot pie.  Maybe that is a bad analogy because what I really want is the five course menu.

Is it just me or am I always talking about food.  Well, I know it isn't just me.  Margaret the other day, or was it Liz? said something along the lines of "you can like a pudding cup and you can like creme brulee, but once you've had creme brulee..." What? you can't ever enjoy a pudding cup again?  And besides, I am living proof that is not true, because I do love a good pudding cup now and then- but yeah, I would be pretty sad if I knew I could never, ever have creme brulee again.  Not that I'm comparing people to pudding cups and creme brulee.  After all, if you asked me if i was more like creme brulee or a pudding cup, I would definately put myself in the pudding cup category.  In fact, I'd be a shelf-stable Handi-Snak. 

When we went to Disneyland, I really wanted some of that fusilli that they serve in the Spaceport Cafe and I didn't get any.   That was disappointing. Just a side note I thought I would share that has absolutely no relevance here.

The weather is bad and I'm sitting here with Ave working on one of those infuriating stained glass kits that you melt in the oven releasing toxic fumes that causes you to lose a few IQ points.  Good thing we have plenty of those to spare around here. (ha ha) Vi is making sock puppets.  We have a soccer game today, rain or shine.  I'm kind of hoping for rain, makes it so much more dramatic.  Ave is singing a Natasha Beddingfield song.  I'm multitasking and also eating a bowl of irish steel-cut oats.  Once you've had the real thing, you'll never want to go back to that Quaker instant crap. Uh huh.

Tales from the attic.

Okay, so this isn't very timely but I've been thinking this morning.  Dean brought my violin down from storage last night and the last time I remember playing it regularly was when we lived on 50th in the U District.  Back then I was going to the UW and Dean was working at Columbia Basin Research.  And of course, thinking about the house off 50th street reminded me of Halloween- the Halloween when I dressed up as a butterfly with an 8-foot wingspan.  The party that year was at Wolfe's house and I remember Steve rode his bike back to our place wearing those wings since I couldn't fit them in the car.   Dean and I used to coordinate our Halloween constumes- but I think that year Anna was around and she went as a flower.  I just remember cutting up yards of felt and blisters on my fingers from the hot glue gun.  Other years we went as m&ms(green & yellow I think), a pair of crows, ladybugs... wow, Dean was a good sport, huh?

Anyhow, Ave is dying to learn how to play the violin.  Dean tuned mine up for me(he claims to have perfect pitch, ha) but it's been so long, looks like it could use a new set of strings.  Ave can't even reach the strings while she has it positioned under her chin, but I let her pull the bow back and forth while I fingered out Twinkle, Twinkle.  We're going to need a wee little violin for her.  I'm sort of excited.  You know, it's funny how good it feels when your kid picks up something you love unbidden- not that I'm so in love with the violin, singing is probably more where my passion lies with the music.  But there was a time when music was a huge part of my life- I was in the Seattle Girls Choir, played piano and violin in grade school, took piano, voice and violin in highschool along with music theory, music history and swing choir.  When I got to the UW I joined choir but there were suddenly so many things open to me that I'd never been exposed to before... played the violin for a bit in college and then put it away.  Maybe it's time to pick it up again.  Anyway- Avery is very musically inclined.  She doesn't get it from me because while I love music, it isn't something I'm good at.  (Just ask the neighbors who can hear me sing in the shower or Viola who gets headaches from me singing in the car)  Dean, however, is truly gifted (maybe not so much with the singing, but at least he has passion there, heh.)  Witness Ave and Dean, singing conversation to one another about sharing the last pop tart. 

Uh. Who bought pop tarts, anyway?  I never buy pop tarts.  I do not consider pop tarts food.