Just a little bit like that.

So, this afternoon was... amazing.  I debated over whether or not to write about this here.  Things are oh-so-fragile right now for us all that I do want to try and be careful.  But I discussed with Dean and I think he likes that I write and I feel like he respects that part of me.  I have always maintained that aside for me and my own personal decompression- this blog is to serve as a very intimate and personal record that someday when my girls are old enough to possibly begin to understand... well, they will have this to know and hopefully understand a bit better what not only I was about but who they are and how they got to be that way.  But secondary to all of that, I do feel like so often we are alone.  We live in houses stacked almost on top of one another and yet we are very much alone a great deal of the time.  We drown out the silence of our loneliness with televisions and computers and shopping and work and stuff, yes, we fill every nook and cranny with stuff to push back that silence. 

I feel like when I come here and write and I tell the truth as I see it, even if it is not really the truth or even close to it because my perception of reality is so warped... I feel at least like I am reaching across that gap, through the silence.  Because, really, we're all beautiful and unique but we're also so much the same.  I hate that we are fed lies and fantasy our whole lives that tell us what we are supposed to be, how to behave and what living right looks like.  So, yes, sometimes I talk about things that are no one's business but mine or things that are between me and my spouse or my family.  I don't do it to violate them.  I do it to record it and reflect on it and then I also do it to unveil my own little piece of this life so others can see.  I get to be real here.  And maybe, just maybe that helps someone else who feels they are drowning or that no one can see them or that they are trapped or hopeless. 

Let the record state that my life raft doesn't turn anyone away.  Come and get in my boat with me. 

And I have also found it to be true that once you put stuff out where other people can see it- it does lose some of its power.  Things can hide out and be scary in the dark.

Maybe it's just that I'm a Leo and I like people to look at me.  Maybe I should rename my blog "My Name is ME!"  What's funny is while I do splatter my personal stuff all over the place on this blog... it doesn't even begin to scratch the surface...

Anyhow, back to what I was going to write about... Dean and I were working in our 95 degree kitcen/dining room this afternoon and I said, "We need to talk, do you have a second to talk?"  And we went to the bedroom and... yeah, so we both were kinda thinking we were going to be getting some but then it was hot and we actually started talking...  We talked about an encounter we had the other night.  I'd been a little frustrated because on the rare occasion when I am not in the mood for sex, I really am just not in the mood and I don't want to set myself up(and Dean) for failure.  And I kinda just wanted Dean to go, "How great is this? I have a wife that wants to give me a blow job and I don't have to do anything in return! Kickass!"  But instead, he kept trying to get me involved.  But we worked through it and it was actually a very good, intimate moment.  Anyhow, we ended up talking about that again today and Dean said to me, "You have to feel free to tell me a bunch of times if I am doing somethng you don't want me to do." and then I said, "Okay, but I know you were trying to make me feel good and I didn't want you to feel rejected."  Anyhow and then I started explaining why sometimes things don't always work- if I am stressed or distracted or tired, etc and it can be alot of pressure because you don;t want your partner to feel that *they* have anything to do with it when really it's just not enough sleep or a nagging deadline in the back of one's head or just not feeling it. 

With all this talk we both kinda settled in realizing that the afternoon nookie moment had passed, being usurped instead by nookie discussion.  Somehow the conversation wandered into the territory of something I'd read about each partner taking responsibility for his or her own orgasm.  So my suggestion was, in the future let's agree- to make it our own responsibility to get our orgasm if we want it- which basically boils down to communication.  So then Dean raised the question of "What do I do if I'm about to be done and I don't know if you're ready and it might be too soon?"  I said, "You tell me where you're at and I'll tell you where I'm at."  I told him one book recommended that the female partner ensures she's orgasmed before intercourse even occurs so then the male partner can just party and hey, if she orgasms again, icing on the cake.  Dean pointed out that if I orgasmed before intercourse then maybe I'd be 'bored'... uh, no.  News flash, guys, things can feel extremely pleasureable for a woman and not require orgasm at all to be pretty damn fulfilling.  But then I did agree that is is great to have orgasms during intercourse and I wouldn't want to relegate myself to always coming before the party even really got started, heh.  So then I showed Dean a little trick that I, uh, figured out while masturbating that can pretty much guarantee, if my head is in the right place (oh ho heh ho and his too!)(meaning I am not too distracted, tired or hormonal) a great orgasm.  He was like.. "This? Here?" And I was like "Ah, a little lower.."

And then, oh my god, we had like the most fantastic sex we've had in... years.  And it was totally spontaneous because we were just talking and then... 

So let me just tell you folks, communication- it is a powerful thing.  And afterwards, we laid there and oh, it felt so fantastic to just be good, happy, fulfilled- however briefly.  And I am so glad that I stopped working for a few minutes to invite Dean to have a conversation...  And hey, if that's what I get out of having a conversation like that, then I'll have it ten times, a hundred times, a thousand times over... because we need to talk, we need to keep talking.  It really is important.

And is everything fixed because we had some awesome sex? No, but it was a step in the right direction.  And that is how you walk a mile or run a marathon, one foot in front of the other, repeat.

So, then we went our seperate ways to grab the girls.  Vi decided she wanted to go see a play at her school rather than go riding with me.. :( so we'll try to go tomorrow.  And Ave crashed because she had a late night last night, and early morning both yesterday and today and it is hot, hot, hot. 

I'm excited because I have a favorite skirt- got it years ago from the Gap and I spilled some bleach on it.  I wear it even with the faded splotch from the bleach- it is white with royal blue flowers.  Anyhow, Margaret gave me the idea to find a seamstress who could take it apart and make a pattern from it.  So, as I watch Ave sleep here, I am browsing cotton prints, looking for just the right one.  In actuality, I'll probably have her make about three because it is, literally, my ideal skirt- it is lined with a very light cotton, it falls perfectly- LOVE it.  Look at me today- blogs and sex and skirts. 

One more thing- I am always a fan of finding beauty in unexpected places.  You know I love roses, right?  Well, yesterday I was going to Napa to see one of my clients and of course had to hit the drive-through Starbucks in American Canyon.  They've thrown up a Wal*Fart there now and across from the Starbucks is a Payless Shoes and Radioshack... whatever... crappy stripmall goodness.  But someone went to the trouble of planting these amazing red roses all throughout the parking lot and they are blooming like there is no tomorrow, blooming MADLY, and just gorgeous.  What I am feeling- hope that we can intertwine passion into the love we already have to create something amazing, trepidation that I will inevitably stumble and fall- I do so love to get my hopes up and put all my eggs in one basket and of course, do it all RIGHT THIS MINUTE.  But why not- why not?  Why can't it be great?  If these roses can grow up in the middle of trash and next to a yellow fire hydrant, why the hell not?

Comments

[liz]

Ummmmmmmmm ... best post ever! Love u and the fam.

liz