So, I should have written this a while ago but I've been wrapped up in my own private hell of being afraid of the changes that are coming. There isn't much that scares me, in fact often when people around me are in a panic, that is the time when I become most calm and assured. But change... yes, that thing that I have always met head on and with a seeming air of knowing it will all work out- somehow it is different now that it isn't just me. And come to think of it, I remember when I left the safety of my high school dorm which had been a womb of expectedness(lights out at 11, breakfast at the same time every day, yellow meal on wednesday night), said goodbye to my classmates and the teachers that were sending me out into the world pinned with the hope that they had given me what I would need.. I cried. I cried for two days, three days straight. Damn, and I didn't even much like the place. But then I was done and the future was still unknown but by then the adventure had begun and I was over it.
But this morning, I was sitting here at the computer- this piece of shit laptop that I back-up every day to an external drive because I am not exactly sure which day will be my last or its last, piece of shit laptop that has such sticky keys that I have constant typos I have to correct, and I browsed over to Liz's blog. I haven't been reading too many blogs of late. I haven't been writing much. I've been working hard, perhaps too hard considering the end is near, but maybe it is my way of saying goodbye or trying to hold on a little longer, even though I know in my heart of hearts it's done.
And I saw her post from September 8th. And I burst into tears. In front of Dean and the girls, out of nowhere, the mommy that never cries and always tells everyone else to buck up was weeping- and not the "I've had a bad day" kind of crying, not the "I'm so pissed I could kill you" kind of crying- really, I don't cry so terribly often. It was just something echoed in me about the journey of life and trying to find one's path and not knowing. Not knowing.
I can not know the future. I can not understand why things happen. I can love and I can lose love. I can have friends and lose friends. I have ridden a train from Brasov to Tartu, seen evidence of the atrocities that we humans are willing to commit in the name of country, ethnicity and God. I have seen the pile of hair on display at Auschwitz, just some of what was shaved from the heads of Jews before they were sent to their deaths, many at the hands of their neighbors and countrymen. I have been the beneficiary of the kindness of strangers giving when they had barely enoug for themselves. I have held small children's hands while we watched jellyfish dance, glowing in the dark. I have looked into the pits carved into the hard, desert earth where people worshipped or lived or buried their dead. I have swung on many, many swings in different states and different countries and the sky always looks the same when I lean back and it rushes past. I have seen the Declaration of Independence and the Mona Lisa, great churches and buildings, rivers and mountains. I have seen the onset of monsoon season in the middle of the night, clouds rolling in across a full moon over the Painted Desert and made snow angels in the street. I have lost people I did not think I could live without. I go on. I can see. I can search. I can read. I can know. My heart beats.
But I cannot be meaningless. I cannot have this life, my life, mean nothing.
I don't know what you are looking for. I don't know what I am looking for. We assume that we'll know it when we see it but sometimes things are right before our eyes and we just aren't ready to see them yet. We know a harmony when we hear it intertwined with a melody, but it isn't so easy to find on its own.
Are we just animals looking to fulfill a biological imperative? Survive! Make sure the species survives! I knew when I held my babies in my arms that there must be a God or that thousands of years is a long time to filter and weave a tangle of cells in the human brain to feel love like that, but is it really long enough?
It just continues to hit me, again and again and I ask myself, how many times... how much longer will I wait until I move to seek what is truly meaningful in this life?