My Name is Mommy

Friday, friday...!

Oh, that maddening song that the kids keep singing that is on continuous replay in my head!

Sick today- ran into the urgent care and I have a little touch of strep throat.  Yum!  Luckily, it's probably because I have a compromised immune system and the kids haven't gotten it.

I have actual stuff I NEED to do tomorrow but knowing that makes it even harder to get to sleep, you know?  Plus after feeling flu-ish and headachey and feverish all day, I spent alot of time napping.  I hate that- having to do stuff even though I'm sic... feeling so obligated.  Yeah I'd like some whine with my cheeze.

I have a new business opportunity.  I'll write more about it later but I'm so excited about it, though it probably could have come along at a better time. Ah, the grass is always greener, no?

Maybe end this with some beautiful and inspiring quotations? 

 

Our hearts are drunk with a beauty our eyes could never see.  ~George W. Russell

And how much could we stand, of beauty that is, because just looking around with my eyes I am overwhelmed beyond words.  To think about the ever-expanding universe I see when I close my eyes is almost painful.

This was the moon Avery spotted from the freeway on the way home from chorus so we popped of the freeway and check out the view.  (warning, do not read while driving- we saw this guy eating a bowl of something(cereal?), both       hands doing the feeding while while he steered with his elbows, I think.  Reminds me of when I was a kid, my dad played this trick on me that he made the windshield wipers on the car go 'magically'.  I would beg him and beg him to do it.  It was disappointing when I finally realized that it wasn't him flicking his hands back and forth in time to the wipers that made them move, but his knee bumping the switch into the on position.

Perhaps the feelings that we experience when we are in love represent a normal state.  Being in love shows a person who he should be. -Anton Chekhov

I think this may very well be true.  I like who I am so much more when I am in love.  Sometimes I forget how much I am in love with my beautiful daughters, my husband, the wind, the sky, the trees, the animals- but as I've said before I get moments.  I get moments like when I walk in the front door from a late night trip to the grocery store and find everyone fallen asleep in the living room, that feeling when I think something is funny and I look across the room and Dean is looking back- appreciating the moment as well.

My idea of paradise?  Dean and the girls and I and a handful of friends and family on a deserted island where you can also have take-out delivered.  We'd sleep in hammocks, the ocean would be our lullabye.  We'd have long arguments over philosophy, politics, economics, history, the future as we sat around a blazing fire in the evening.  There wouldn't be mosquitoes, flies or spiders but there would be horses to ride and dogs to keep us company, cats to look down on us and keep us humble.

And finally: The greatest oak was once a little nut who held its ground.  I don't know who said it but I love it, you know.

Hold your ground, even if you feel like a little nut.  Hold your ground.

Writing... here ... there ...

I've been writing all over the place.  Some of it I get paid for, some of it I don't.  Some of it I pay for- aka classes at Harvard- plenty o writing there.  But I haven't been blogging here much lately as anyone can see.  Part of it I think is that this has been an off-and-on DARK time in my life.  Not working was good for me in some ways but really, really bad in other ways like... now my life lacks structure.  Sometimes I'm the up-at-7am with a hot breakfast waiting for the kids on the table kind of mom and sometimes I'm the sleep in til noon mom.

I know part of it is the anemia and the treatments and my overall lack of compliance and waiting for my counts to get catastrophically low to where I think I'm going to have a heart attack or something.  I think I have rolled into one of my major depressive episodes.  Usually I'm a pull myself-up-by-my-bootstraps and a few zoloft kinda girl but stuff just doesn't seem to be working that way.  My counts are getting higher and I'm hoping I'll soon have the clearanace to go and work out and maybe find the right person or friend to help hold me to the program and that will help my brain chemistry.

In the meantime, I am languishing a little, neglecting myself alot, trying to put on a good face for the kids and trying to be patient because if there is one thing that has been proven to me time and time again:

"This too shall pass."

I'm trying so hard to hang onto that little silver thread that this isn't reality- it is like looking through distorted glass.  My filter is just messed up right now and soon, it will clear.  

I almost feel like getting all the saddest movies I've ever seen, you know,  Old Yeller, Where the Red Fern Grows or books The Red Pony, Eric, Alex: The Life of a Child just so I can have a good bawl and you know, feel better.  I feel like I've had so much trapped inside of me for so long that if I let it out, I could literally leave a crater in the ground.  Or at least the couch.  Of course, I could also eat enough Ben & Jerry's and do that, too.

This, I know I've said this before, but this is the longest I've stood still in a long time.  I feel like I need to keep moving.  I know that sometimes it is a self-destructive instinct: RUN...   Go somewhere else, start somewhere fresh.  New stuff gives me energy.  Just how long can I keep dodging the devil?  Sometimes we have to just learn to sit with ourselves and be okay with it, I think.  I'm trying.

What am I doing that is fulfilling?  Nothing.  Well, raising my kids is a given, god knows how badly I'm screwing that all up.  I don't want them to think this is normal, that this is what life is about.  But I don't know how to pull myself up by my bootstraps right now, either.

I might try writing more here. Maybe if I say how hard I am trying enough times, my kids will forgive me someday.