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Let humans become extinct.
I don't know why people make such a big deal out of this question since that seems to be where we are headed anyway and it will solve many of the earth's 'problems'.
We speak of all the beauty and wonder created by humans but look also to war, hatred and death created by humans-- and either way, the funniest part of it all-- we do it for or to ourselves. It isn't like anyone is going to miss us when we're gone.
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Kids are such tricky things. It is so apparent to me now that they are such their own little souls. Of course the things we do and say mould them and change them and pften, at the most akwartd of times, are reflected back to us in front of people we'd like not to see that side of ourselves. All in all, beyond being a loving experience, parenting has been a humbling experience... and that is a tough thing to say for someone like me with a size grande ego and who likes to pretend she knows it all. Now, I'm not being all self-deprecating here because I've really mellowed out over the years and lost so many of those insecurities that dictated the parts of myself I was willing to share with others, but truth be told, I still am a product of a society that care more about how things look than how things are. We just have to turn on CNN to realize some of that.
My favorite pudding is pistachio. I could and have eaten Almond Roca til I was sick. I used to love the smell of vanilla in candles and soap and things but then everything started smelling like that and everyone seemed to like it so for a while I liked lemon and now I like peony and violet. If I had to lose one of my senses, taste would be the first to go. I might actually like that. Things often look better than they actually taste. But then someone told me taste was more about smell than anything else and I love my sense of smell. I love how smell can transport you to a particular place and time and feeling like no other sensory trigger. I would miss touch terribly. I think I'd rather be blind than deaf. I love to sing and am not so good at it so can you imagine how horrible it would be if I was deaf on top of that? Being blind would suck but I think I could adapt quite a few aspects of my life and maybe I'd spend far less time fussing in front of the mirror (see ego above) and its not like I don't already trip over stuff I can see perfectly well right in front of me anyway. Never to hear music again? Never to hear Ave or the Girls Chorus sing again? Never to hear Vi sing or fall asleep in the passenger seat to the hum of the road going by beneath me? I could still ride horses with some provisions- like we may go more where the horse wants to go rather than where I want to go. I always have had a bad habit of squeezing my eyes shut going over big jumps anyway. And finally I'd have an excuse for always wearing black and grey which is both comfortable, easy and suits me but I'm told often I need to get some color in my wardrobe. I would have the ultimate excuse for never trying to read a sheet of music again in my life. If I were deaf I could never lay my head against Dean's chest and hear the beat of his heart again. But smell is so underappreciated and I think alot of people would rather give up smell before sight or sound. I think it would be more practible but then I think of never smelling the pavement after a sudden summer rainstorm again, or the scent of lilacs, bacon frying, the smell of coffee or bubblegum, the smell when you first bring your Christmas tree in...
Tough choices. I hope I never have to choose.
My foot is still hurting from dropping a bookcase on it. The black and blue has moved to my toes so it looks like I have a touch of gangrene, or maybe a pedicure gone terribly awry.
Ave is snoring and I try to move her to a position where she doesn't gurgle but then she struggles back to her sleep position. I'm glad I had the foresight to get one of those quickie thermometers where you stick it in the person's ear. It has become quite handy and is so, so much less an ordeal than the old style thermometers(I always used glass up until now because I didn't trust the digital ones, especial when I got three different readings over the course of 10 minutes. Pthththtb.
So much has changed around here in a few short weeks. Cleaning has been a big part of that but even moreso, the philosophy of less is more colliding with the word 'simplify' echoing through my head constantly.
Hmmm, wonder what's for dinner?
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I want to write something right now but I can't seem to formulate the words. I don't want to damage what I am feeling by trying to wrap it up in words.
Dean turned 45 on the 9th and the kids are great aside from some colds and whatnot. I'm going to wax philosophical right now, so if you just wanted the status update, no need to read further.
I read a book last night called "The Fault in Our Stars" by John Green. I can't rehash it for you, just read it, if you want to. I laughed but mostly I cried- and eventually, I wept. If I could save my girls and yet, at the same time, make them understand the truth of our mortality. If I could tell them that every heartbeat counts down to the last, such that it is important to make each beat count for something. And yet, there is something blissful about not walking around, thinking that the ride will come to an end sooner or later. I suppose it is called balance: learn from the past, hope for the future but live NOW. Right now.
In this book I read, the protagonist talked about 'the last good day' and how you don't even know if you are haviung it or maybe this is just a good day. I accept that fact that this life is finite, that I could die tomrrow or in twenty years. But I have difficult time accepting that for my girls.
When I die, I wish to be cremated and my ashes to be sprinkled in the ocean. The ocean is where we have spent some of our best days as a family and I'd like people to go barefoot and toss me into the waves so I can become part of something so large and vast and complex. In a way it is a metaphor for my life because even if I didn't figure it all out= it was beautiful, incomprehesibly full of wonder and for a brief flash, I was a pert of it.
I do not want a headstone or a grave. I don't want my kids visiting a cemetary- I want them to play in the ocean where I will be.
I'd like there to be a memorial and I want a dance floor at it with some live music, I want music: Cat Steven's O, Very Young, Somewhere Over the Rainbow or Wonderful World, Time Flies by Tyrone Wells, Holding on and Letting Go by Ross Copperman, maybe Fire and Rain if that isn't too cheesy, Take Me Into the Beautiful, It's Going to be a Good Life...
Mostly though, beyond the silly details of a memorial or funeral I want my girls to alwys remember that when we lose someone, we lose them one day. We cannot let that one day diminish all the others.
Don't worry, just being a little morose- I'm not planning on heading into the great beyond anytime soon if I can help it.
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I am so ready for it to be 2012 and look, here we are! As Anne Shirley might say, "A whole new year, with no mistakes in it!" Yet.
I'm chipper. First off, the house is really coming along- all the organizing and restructuring. The garage has been cleaned and we have a large item pick-up scheduled for the 4th.
We had a quiet but familial Christmas holiday that wasn't just about ripping into the next gift. Dean and I decided that the fixing up of the house is our gift to one another, along with getting a new couch and saying goodbye to our old green one. Merry Christmas, Dogs! Sampson is king of the old-green-sofa now and k-m-a because I don't care how ghetto our yard looks becase the dogs are happy out there.
Santa did bring the girls some new Wii games like Just Dance 3- just in time for our old Wii the sputter to its dusty death. So, once again, I found myself entering the-place-I-refuse-to-go (ahem, WalMart) to pick up the Wii I bought online on sale. When I got in there, it turned out they were OUT of that model(it was the baby blue colored one which I actually thought was pretty cool) but they gave me a new one with Super Mario for the same price which means I got an extra special deal. Best part is that Dean has been going around talking in his fake-Italian 'Mario' accent since I brought it home. Fabulous!!
Margaret came up with Sammie and Evan and they have been staying with us since the 27th. I adore Evan because he is more horse crazy than any 11-16 year old girl I've ever met and he's graduating from high school this year(hopefully-it is a year early). Anyhow, I cannot believe that Margaret and I are family because we have such a great time together just talking and hanging out- same sense of humor. That almost never happens with family. So, I feel like I can just be me and that is just such a relief, you know? I wish they would move up here from So Cal. Right freaking now. They should just move in with us. The girls get along great. Evan and Dean get along. Evan and I get along-though- I think he can talk longer about horses than even I can!
And I have to say, since I just took a deep breath and said, "I'm going to do what I can, when I can" and let go, the house has come together in an amazing fashion. My friend Jeannine is using me as her guinea pig to decide if she really wants to get a business started doing home organization. I think what we've learned, both of us, is that it isn't as easy as it looks and is alot of work and requires a deep understanding of how a family lives their day-to-day life. Example: J put together a 'pet center' out in our garage but our kitty eats like 8 times per day so I don't want to be going out there 8 times a day for cat food... and so on and so forth. Organizing a home is a litte like designing a kitchen- you have to know what will work and what won't.
Anyhow, it has been a challenge to let go and not be all-or-nothing about the project, just doing things here and there and checking them off the list as my time, kids, life, body permits. That, in and of itself, is amazing- to feel the freedom of not having to do one thing and do it perfectly until it is done- not that I'm half-assing it, either. Anyhow, hopefully, you know what I mean.
Looking back over 2011, two things strike me: how quickly the year went and how much my girls, Dean and I have changed this year. 2011 was not a stellar year but I'm thinking 2012 is going to be fabulous!
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