I want to write something right now but I can't seem to formulate the words. I don't want to damage what I am feeling by trying to wrap it up in words.
Dean turned 45 on the 9th and the kids are great aside from some colds and whatnot. I'm going to wax philosophical right now, so if you just wanted the status update, no need to read further.
I read a book last night called "The Fault in Our Stars" by John Green. I can't rehash it for you, just read it, if you want to. I laughed but mostly I cried- and eventually, I wept. If I could save my girls and yet, at the same time, make them understand the truth of our mortality. If I could tell them that every heartbeat counts down to the last, such that it is important to make each beat count for something. And yet, there is something blissful about not walking around, thinking that the ride will come to an end sooner or later. I suppose it is called balance: learn from the past, hope for the future but live NOW. Right now.
In this book I read, the protagonist talked about 'the last good day' and how you don't even know if you are haviung it or maybe this is just a good day. I accept that fact that this life is finite, that I could die tomrrow or in twenty years. But I have difficult time accepting that for my girls.
When I die, I wish to be cremated and my ashes to be sprinkled in the ocean. The ocean is where we have spent some of our best days as a family and I'd like people to go barefoot and toss me into the waves so I can become part of something so large and vast and complex. In a way it is a metaphor for my life because even if I didn't figure it all out= it was beautiful, incomprehesibly full of wonder and for a brief flash, I was a pert of it.
I do not want a headstone or a grave. I don't want my kids visiting a cemetary- I want them to play in the ocean where I will be.
I'd like there to be a memorial and I want a dance floor at it with some live music, I want music: Cat Steven's O, Very Young, Somewhere Over the Rainbow or Wonderful World, Time Flies by Tyrone Wells, Holding on and Letting Go by Ross Copperman, maybe Fire and Rain if that isn't too cheesy, Take Me Into the Beautiful, It's Going to be a Good Life...
Mostly though, beyond the silly details of a memorial or funeral I want my girls to alwys remember that when we lose someone, we lose them one day. We cannot let that one day diminish all the others.
Don't worry, just being a little morose- I'm not planning on heading into the great beyond anytime soon if I can help it.
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