Today was the first day in a while that I was actually vertical for a significant period of time. I'll get to that. Warning: totally random pictures ahead (may be repeats).
Then, she's telling me she has fat thighs(she doesn't have an ounce of fat on her and honestly, I've never seen a six-pack on a girl like she has). Yes, it is all very scary contemplating paralysis and torn ligaments, death... and she's 10. But it is her passion and I could make her quit but I think I'd have to sell my horse, then, or face being a total hypocrite.
But Traffic. Driving. I was stuck in traffic(and the place is literally ten minutes from our house) and lots of funny things happen in the car(aside from farting). For one, I didn't have the iPod- I dyed my hair what was supposed to be dark brown but turn BLACK so it hasn't been washed per directions in 3 days. Maybe it will be dark brown when I wash it, who knows. Anyway, this song came on the radio and I recently had become addicted to Megan Hilty's(of Smash and Broadway's Wicked etc.) "Safe and Sound" which turns out to be a TAYLOR SWIFT cover. Guilty pleasure, I thought. Then this song came on the radio and Avery was singing along in her beautiful voice and I asked her what it was- TAYLOR SWIFT. OMG. I'm turning 40 and listening to Taylor Swift songs. What is wrong with me?
Anyhow, no traffic 'til the drive home after dropping her off. There was a big line up just getting on the freeway and I couldn't use the carpool lane. Anyhow, funny things happen. I looked out the window and just as an Ed Sheenan(who I really like and have alot of his music) song came on the radio, I noticed the breeze picking up and right there on the freeway onramp I had one of those golden moments. The grass has gotten really tall and is all yellow but the way it was blowing, in the wind- and the music- it was so beautiful. I could have sat there forever in that lane watching the wind blow this tall, yellow grass.
And then I looked over at the grey brick wall(I think it is a sound barrier but runs all allong our corridor of the freeway) as I was creeping up the freeway and some weed probably(cause they spray and kill it, I think) had creeped up, kind of like ivy(heck, maybe it was some kind of ivy). Anyhow, I saw this ivy-looking-probably-weed growing up the wall in several places in the rough shape of a tree. It was so freaking beautiful. And then there was a place it had totally taken over and reminded me of something I'd have seen in England, in Cambridge or even 'the wall' at the boarding school I attended in highschool. Then, I was flipping through radio stations and a favorite classical piece came on and I was getting off the freeway.
I live in a little suburban islet of a neighborhood where we probably have the worst kept yard, house, everything. (I'm kind of all or nothing and health issues have been keeping me down not like that is an excuse *really*). But as I drifted through the neighborhood to this piece of music I used to *try* to play on my violin- I saw someone's patch of brilliant red-pink geraniums, and then somesone's carefully planted rainbow of pansys and other annuals I can't remember offhand. Then I drove by a tree that was waving in the wind and almost a maroon-purplish color.
It just struck me so hard, especially pulling in the driveway and seeing the roses Dean planted as a gift for me a while back(he's not a gardner despite the whole Japanese stereotype- probably one of his least favorite things to do. Anyhow these roses have been struggling a bit with the weather, weeds, lack of attention and yet there were a few absolutely perfect blooms pushing their way through... beauty is EVERYWHERE. Real beauty. And precious moments that make up for all the crap(literally-but I'll get to that). It is everywhere and no, this is not an epiphany- it just really struck me today. Rilke was right when he wrote "If your daily life seems poor, do not blame it; blame yourself that you are not poet enough to call forth its riches.."
The getting to it part is: I am going in after having two bad blood tests with cancer markers. Worst case scenario (imho) average prognosis 14 months. Best case scenario: I drank all that sodim laxitive stuff to feel like crap for a few days. I'll go into it when I know more.
I got a Mary Oliver tattoo done this weekend at Inkies which is like walking into a chi-chi spa run by a bunch of guys that if you go with stereotypes, look like a bunch of tatted-up parolees. The guy that did mine did his bachelor's in fine arts Santa Clara and I am def. going back- even if it is just for touch-ups. Anyhow the tattoo says: "Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift." Profound for me because that has happened to me, too.
Funny things happen. Gifts appear where we might never expect them- driving in hot, stinky traffic- weeds and dead grass...a song that takes one back to childhood... a blue sky, a grey sky, stars at night.
Live on, my friends. Every day is a miracle.
I know I've been a terrible blogger but for those of you who check in occasionally(I love you all!), I will update when I get my results which could be as soon as tomorrow or more likely Friday or next week. And for my blogger friends, keep on blogging-it is like a rope that keeps me from sinking when I can go and laugh at your jokes and see pics of your family doing things I can't do right now. And thank you for being there, even occasionally, over the years-it's my whole other world. The waiting is the worst. I can deal, really, I can- but not knowing is the freaking worst.
To end on a funny note- I was going to have this biopsy last week but my crit is too low so they rescheduled in case, you know, something goes wrong-'til tomorrow. Of course, they didn't call me for the reschedule until I had lapped up my special sodium laxitive. Hey, if I can't get a good work out right now cause of my low crit and everything else, at least the toilet can. :)