Bist Du Bei Mir was probably one of my favorite pieces of music that I learned back in high school. My vocal coach said I was like a myna bird and she didn't usually let students butcher music in German. It is funny because in a way, that song led me to studying German in college and eventually going there, to live, outside of Nurnberg for a bit. With everything going on lately I have been reflecting on the path my life has taken. If you look up the translation of that song. it is quite moving. I think what I like about it is that it captures the idea that BEING with someone is sometimes the greatest gift you can give them. We live in a DOING world- I think sometimes we forget about just being and how amazing that is, in and of itself.
The Call came and this nonsense with my stomach continues. I am going for another scope because the CBC they did at the same time came back with an outrageously high hematocrit which I have NEVER had, EVER. I've had microcytic anemia since I was two, according to my pediatric records, and I'm lucky to even get in the ballpark of normal with iron infusions on a regular basis. So, my doctor is worried my test results might have been mixed up- and doesn't know if the biopsy results also got screwed up so... here we go round the merry go round again. The good news is that the biopsy results showed carcinoma in situ in the mucosal layer of my stomach(they call it stage 0 and it is basically pre-cancerous but still not something to mess around with)- so I, or someone else, won the lottery as gastric cancer is almost never found this early and they feel I can avoid it turning into the icky metastatic kind with possible surgery and meds. But since I am terribly paranoid, I want to make sure the results are real before going ahead with a treatment plan.
Anyhow, back to the life path stuff. I used to feel that having a Job and punching the clock, wash rinse, repeat- was incredibly mundane and I would never live like that- I would live a BIG life. Now I am thinking every life is BIG because every single one of us is a miracle. I don't care if you believe in God or some other higher power or a random uiverse or if we are just brains in vats- but whatever it is, it is amazing. It is amazing to have been here, to see what I have seen, done what I have done: everything from walking along the Seine at night to making chocolate chip pancakes. All miraculous, every moment of it.
Even the pain.
I have known and loved people and lost them- for whatever reason(death maybe the least of which). And maybe someday I will find them again, in this life or another. But as much as it aches, every connection, every love, however brief- for me is amazing, even if it can't be held. I like to think we are like those Aspen trees- we may not be next to one another, it may rain on one and the sun may shne on another at the same time but deep below is a gnarled miracle of connections that make them all one. Some connections may be far, long reaching through the dark but still a part of one another. I think those connections never die because every connection creates-like a seed blown on the wind or a slender root zig-zagging through the soil, we are built by our connections and go on to build others in a never-ending chain.
And such a blessing- yes, even the pain. Sometimes joy and pain are so difficult to tell apart. I check on my sleeping girls and they look so young as they sleep and my heart just wants to shatter with love for them. I know, watching them, touching their hair, there is nothing out there better than this- no amount of fame, no great discovery, no heroic feat could even come close to this feeling.