My Name is Mommy

The language of flowers.

Hmm.  So, I just came across something that said roses mean "secrecy and silence" and that peonies stand for "shame".  Sweet.  Those are my favorite flowers.  Peonies first, roses next and all because of how they smell.  I love how roses can smell like lemons or honey, fruity or spicey, bright or musky.  And peonies, well, they smell like peonies and there is nothing else quite like them.

Secrecy.  Silence.  Shame. 

Has anyone asked you that question, "What is your favorite flower? Why? Describe it?" and then they say, "You, you are your favorite flower!" No really, that happened to me before- I think in some sort of work retreat or something.

Yep.  That's me, secretive, silent, shameful.

I do like the alliterative properties of those words, however.  At least it sounds more interesting than "virtuous" or "enduring".

Do a search on Ty Wombly and the Gagosian.  Makes you think a little differently about peonies now, doesn't it?

Parting is such sweet sorrow, my ass.

I find nothing sweet about having to leave my girls for two days to go to LA for work.  Even the thought of a nice hotel, a little room service, maybe even a quiet hour or two to read my book on the plane does not make a dent in the resistance I feel right now to going.  Of course, we just got home.  Of course, I just started reading a new book to Vi last night and we're going to lose momentum.  Of course, they need me to do their laundry and cook them dinner.  Of course, the plane could crash and my children would be mommy-less until Dean remarried(technically that could be a really short amount of time, but I'm hoping he'd give it a few months, at least)(and even if he did remarry, she'd never be their mommy-mommy).

I am impatient right now.  I want to get the hard part over- the leaving, the stress of the airport security and car rentals and navigating the LA freeway system.  So much work for just a couple days, I'd make it just one if I could- or better yet, none. 

I did laundry today.  My suitcase is packed and waiting by the door.  I am off to pick up the girls and take them to the park for a little bit before I pick Dean up and we head to the airport. 

Wah. I don't want to go.  I didn't even get to say hi to my horses.  Two days.  I'll be home on Thursday.  I can do this.  It won't be sweet, though. 

It's hot, too. Ugh.

I know, I know- I always get like this.  I will step off the plane, be in a new place and the adventure will be a little bit on.  It will be okay.  But for now, it sucks.

The unbearable lightness of being us.

Long drive back and we are happily ensconced in the safety and comfort of Chez Y once again.  The best thing about going away is always the coming home.  Home.  Do love that word.  Do love being here.

Looking back over the weekend, with all the chaos of late between work, kids getting out of school and the ancillary fallout from the goings-on in the lives of friends and family- we really needed to spend some time together as a family.  Look, I'm not going to lie and say that it was all dancing in the daisies to spend 4 days together in a hotel room while the kids indulged in occasional sugar binges.  It was good, though, to be us and just us without interruptions from cell phones and not too much work to speak of, no distractions of places to be and playdates to be kept.  We slept when we wanted to, ate when we wanted to and inbetween-bowled, swam, read, played...

My kids someday will look back at their childhood, well documented in pictures by their crazy mommy(who has few if any pictures from her own childhood and knows pictures=love), and hopefully, aside from thinking "didn't mom ever brush our hair?", will see all the smiles and laughter. 

That is one of the fabulous things about being a photographer- having the ability to capture and depict the people you love in the way you see them. 

I have no doubt when I look at pictures like these of my girls, no doubt, that they will suck every last drop of sweetness out of life that the world has to offer them. 

Yes, so it was good to get away and good to come home.  Dean and I talked alot in the car, which was nice.  I also felt like we made some strides in getting back a piece of what our relationship was before the girls- a date night with some dancing, fireworks and a little romantic time back in the room after didn't hurt us at all.  I even wore a new dress and my heels- wasn't sure whether to be offended or complimented when a couple of guys were like "right on!" to Dean in the elevator.  Did have the time of my life dancing, even if it was a weird hodge-podge of people in a wanna-be-trendy (Nikki Beach) poolside nightclub.  The people-watching was fantastic and Dean really lets loose when he has a little alcohol in him.  Good times.

Lots of silliness abounded.   I think we were sad when we had to leave- Avery cried when she left her cousins.  The best part of the weekend for me was getting to take a few minutes and just breathe and appreciate everything and everyone.  We are a pretty fabulous four, when it comes down to it.

And now we're home, home sweet home- just us.

My next mission: I'm taking off for So Cal tonight for a couple of days unless I decide to quit today before my flight which seems unlikely- though, hey, razier things have appened.  Stay tuned...

What? A relaxing vacation? Huh?

Had a fabulous day yesterday.  Read my book, laid around, ate food, played with the kids, went to Circus Circus and won a bag full of stuffed animals.  No, but really. 

I ate myself into a food coma.  I think Viola thought she had died and gone to heaven when she discovered shrimp and crab legs on the buffet last night.  Me, I went straight for the desserts. 

Margaret and I had a fantastic time hanging out and chatting away much of the evening while Dean and Keith occupied the kids in the arcade.  We all headed over to Circus Circus to go to the midway. 

Evan won me a blue stingray stuffed toy which was the only one I actually wanted.  Talk about the sweetest kid ever.  How many middle school boys do you know who will pack a 5-year-old(Avery) around on his back, help load the kid's plates at the buffet, give away his prizes at the arcade, worry endlessly about Vi being unhappy looking after she got busted for picking on her sister- I'm thinking I should send my kids home with Margaret and let her raise them and send them back when they are all as nice and helpful as Evan. 

It is so fantastic to get away and relax a little.  It's no Vegas, but man we are having a great time.  And I am so looking forward to heading out for a little grown-up time tonight with Dean.  Even have a new little black dress to wear...

The kids all seem to be having a pretty great time even if life is just all about amassing tickets in the arcade and eating ice cream.  I'll tell you one thing... the Starbucks here in the hotel has kickass pastries... way better than the pastries at the normal Starbucks. I could just live on carrot cake and black tea lemonade (5 splenda now instead of 10 pumps).

Ave has been wound up like  top since we've arrived and is having a blast with Sammie and Evan.  Vi... well, she was hilarious at the midway last night because she was bound and determined to win herself a stuffed animal- no one was going to do it for her.  She was playing one of those game where you squirt the clown in the mouth and these things race up a pole... anyhow, bless her, she finally won. 

Its funny how quickly this weekend is flying by... not sure I'm going to get all my reading in.  I have this great book called "Tell Me Where it Hurts" about a vet... I'm lovin' it.

What is wrong with this hotel? They don't have TiVo?

I know, I know.  The trials of traveling.  Vi and Ave, while absolutely fascinated with the ginormous television mounted in the wall of our hotel room, they can't get over the fact there is no TiVo.  My children have really never watched live television.  They don't understand.

We're in Reno for the weekend.  We're meeting up with Dean's cousin Margaret and her family.  I absolutely adore them all and my kids love her kids and it is just a great time all around.  We're not the biggest fans of Reno but it is just a few hours drive for us and we stay at the same hotel every time.  They have a great pool, lots of things to occupy the kids and there is ample opportunity to go out drinking, dancing and gambling while Margaret's college-aged daughter watches all the kids.  Over time and all these shared vacations over the years, Margaret is probably the member of Dean's family that I have become closest friends with.

We're going to spend lots of time eating, drinking, laying around the pool and I have three books with me I've sworn I'm going to read.

If things are quiet around here it is because we're either busy relaxing or busy whooping it up. Have a safe and fabulous weekend!

Little friends and riding bikes.

Today I got up early and went to see my client in Napa.  I was going over the Sunol grade and saw the sun break over the hills and knew it was going to be a good day.

Had a very productive day at the client.  They want productive, productive I can do.  In fact I can produce so much e-mail and work product that e-mail boxes everywhere will overflow. (I know, I know, passive aggressive much?)

Sped home to wrap up more loose work-ends. 

The drive home was weird.  Remember back... was it in January? February? March? When I said that my sister said, "Don't start crying, you'll never stop."  So, maybe it is a self-fulfilling prophecy, maybe it is hormones or stress, or maybe that someone has finally loved me enough in a way I can understand that the ice has melted permanently-- I don't know what it is but I cry now quickly and easily, like everything that was buried deep is right below the surface and it only takes a shift, a slight disturbance, to expose what lies beneath.  I used to think that if I ever let myself be sad, really sad, it would fill all the space, every corner of my being and there would be no room for anything else.  Now I understand that the heart is an elastic thing that simply expands to accomodate it all, bad and good together.

So, today on the drive home I called Dean.  There was a time when I didn't call Dean often.  We had our days, they were seperate- we waved as we passed each other in the evenings and then another day was over.  Now, I call Dean several times a day- sometimes to check in, sometimes to make plans, sometimes to deal with business, sometimes because I have unearthed a bit of gossip or news that must be shared immediately.  He endures these calls good-naturedly, especially considering how I can prattle on about pretty much nothing, often taking some minor trivia into a wander through abstractedness.  But for some reason, after I left my client, having listened to Brad discuss his Fourth of July plans with obvious enthusiasm to include fishing with the wife in some secluded area of the Sierras, I felt that creeping neediness overcome me.  I thought of all the family bar-b-ques and that we'd be missing our neighborhood parade and setting off (no doubt illegal) fireworks after lying on some stranger's lawn in San Ramon watching the *real* fireworks show.  I wondered if we should really be heading off to Reno when home felt like such a necessary and comforting place just a couple days ago.  So I called Dean.  He spoke in a monotone, monosyllabic words in response to my asking him how was work and how was his day.  I very gently and understandingly told him that I thought he must be busy with work and I'd let him get back to it. "Yep".  The line was dead and I listened to my phone beep for a moment and after that, the silence.  Then I realized I was crying.  Not the big boo-hoo-bawling kinda crying, just a little leaking at the seams.  And I wonder sometimes why it is so easy to feel that I am unloved and rejected, even as my logical brain is explaining it away: he's under pressure, he's got deadlines, there were problems this week...

Ridiculous.  When we talked later he said that things had gone badly with something he was working on and he was trying to figure it out.  I asked if there was anything I could do, anything I could help with, he countered that I could "help him out at home later", the implication not being work-related at all.  This is something Dean never would have said six months ago.  Dean making a pass?  Dean handing out flirtatious quips?  Dean expressing jealousy that he had to work while I took the girls to see the horses?  No, not Dean.  This new man- this husband that loves and wants his wife, who pulls her into his chest at night and kisses her neck, whose hands now take initiative to explore territory they never have before, who stops when he walks away, turns to come back to kiss her one more time- I am still getting to know him, still not sure I trust him.  Will he stay?  And if he does, will it be enough?  I guess while I wait to find out, I continue to be a little wary, a little unsure...  always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

And the rest of yesterday?  Was fabulous.  I went to get my bike at REI.  I had picked out a bike.  A blue, step-through "comfort" bike.  The guy at the store couldn't get over it, "Uh, are you going to wear s skirt or omething while you ride?"  "Maybe."  Hey, I might even wear my 4-inch heels while I ride my bike if I feel like it.  Take that.  So, look, I just want a girly blue bike wth a big seat, streamers on the handle bars(okay have to add those myself later) that I can ride around with the girls.  Well, of course, I needed a *big* one because I'm not only tall, but I apparently have long legs.  Turns out, even the one they ordered did not fit me right at all.  So, then I had to move on to the men's bike which was grey, not blue.  And not a step-through and at that point half the joy was gone so I decided to test out a road bike and was like "wow, those comfort bikes are sluggggish"-- smaller wheels and rinky-dink gears.  I guess I like going fast.  Huh.  I hadn't realized.  I was, in a wor, gleeful, to be zipping around the Home Depot and REI parking lots on all the various bikes.  I think I've found a new activity to put on the list- Saturday afternoon and bored?  Go test ride bikes at REI and then try out new climbing harnesses.  Anyhow, came to te conclusion that a road bike is not the best for neighborhood riding with the girls, in my opinion, since the whole positional thing shifts you so you are not sitting nearly as upright, not to mention the price.  For the amount I'm planning on riding, I'm not going to drop $1500 on a bike.  And while there have been mountain bikes I have known and loved in my past, their place remains in the mountains.  Talk about sluggish. 

Anyhow, settled on the Cannondale Quick- relatively inexpensive, still a "comfort bike"(much more upright, comfy seat and fabulous pedals compared to a road bike), but with taller wheels and a lighter frame so a little quicker-- and I loved my last Cannondale until it was stolen after Dean left it at the train station.  I am still bitter.  That was my precious.  Not only was it the perfect bike, it was the perfect color of blue.   Why can't people understand that it isn't about gears and pedals and seats, it has everything to do with the color?  So, yes, I sold out- abandoned the fraurad, went for a little more speed.  Might be wise since I need to be able to keep up with Vi.

As for the rest of the day: took the girls in the Suburban(in which I'd hoped to pick up my bike, wah) out to the horses.  Do love the Suburban even though I feel guilty over the gas, but it allows Vi to occupy one back seat and Ave the other and thus the level of fighting is far reduced over the cramped quarters of the Lexus.  So, yes, horses- Apollo has healed up fabulously.  I am teribly proud of Liz and I for doctoring that thing so well.  He may have a tiny scar but considering he could have died and we never did actually manage to get a vet out... Shadow is looking a little bony along his back but part of that is adjusting to pasture and he does have a dental appointment in August.  The girls fell asleep in the car so though I told Liz I'd run by her place we ended up heading for home.  I crashed early after having gotten up at 5 yesterday. 

Dean and I did end up having a good night... he brought me "little friends" (my favorite mango probiotic drink- because you can never have enough friends ha ha ha) and assorted snacks(its always fun to get little presents, isn't it?).  We didn't talk much but I did tell him that it made it alot easier for me if he just told me that he was having a rough time at work rather than being short about it.  He ended up falling asleep out in the living room with Ave but I dragged him to bed in the wee hours.  Lots of sleep disruptions because I think I had either almost gotten to sleep or was all the way asleep when he woke me up again.  But I'm never one to say no, especially when I'm groggy and half-asleep.  I paid him back with a venti coffee and a marshmallow rice krispie treat this morning.  It really is odd how when your sex life is good, great even, it makes everything else just a little bit easier to deal with.  (Of course the converse is far too true, as well).  Have to say, though, can't believe how much I've missed out over the years on this whole snuggling thing.  I think we used to do it, but certainly not like this and not in... sadly... at least a decade.  Snuggle, people, it makes life better!

We leave for Reno today.  Time to do work now.  Stay cool, looks like it's going to be a hot one.

To be, rather than to seem.

I cannot say it to myself enough.  It is my daily mantra.  Our need to "seem" appears on so many levels to me to be the root of all evil.  So, if I could sum up in one word what I want to be in this life it would be 'authentic'.  Here's Milli.  I think her expression embodies how I'd like to live.

It is difficult.  There is such a temptation to want to fit in, to be accepted, to avoid judgement.  The problem is that the sense of pride and accomplishment that comes with "seeming" is entirely hollow and empty next to that of "being".  Somehow we believe that if it looks like the fairytale- then it will BE the fairytale.  If only it were that easy.

"Being" takes work, though.  It means doing what we say we're going to do, keeping promises, being honest, being real.  It means we don't get to rely on the car we drive, the name of our neighborhood or the street we live on as proof of our success in society.  It means we don't get to rely on the name of the schools our children attend, the brand of shoes they wear or how many educational toys they have amassed as proof that we are good parents.  It means that we don't get to rely on the size of our office or our paycheck as proof of our success at the work we do in the world.  People don't talk about blood, sweat and tears for nothing.  We struggle, we bleed, we cry-- and hopefully, in the end, we're human for it.

"Being" means being there, really being there- not just watching, not only getting in the game when you have nothing to lose, but hands-dirty-fighting-for-it-all-in kinda being there.  The kind of being there when someone says to you, "You said you needed me, how could I not be there?"  That is "being" rather than "seeming". 

It was a rough weekend for me.  Rougher even for Margaret.  Her daughter got married, but it was not fully the joyous day it should have been.  I don't really know where it all went wrong, probably long before there was even a wedding to be planned, but instead of a family coming together, really it was an undoing.  Clearly, it is not my place to judge, I can only be sympathetic to those involved- even those that from the outside may have looked like the perpetrators.  Still, one has to wonder how do we allow ourselves to get so far away from where we want to be?

It was such a strange dichotomy that in such a beautiful setting, on such a gorgeous day-- so much pain ran beneath the surface of things.  Kelsie said shortly before she walked down the aisle... "the show must go on".  But should it?

  If you look at the pictures, you'd never guess.  It makes me wonder if this is more the reality than the exception, just maybe some manage to suppress their emotions: hurt, anger, resentment, just enough to get through, paste on a smile and get through. 

Then doors are closed and who knows?  Who cares?  As long as everyone is smiling in the pictures.

It was, one of the most beautiful weddings I have had the pleasure to attend.  Kelsie was a beautiful bride and Margaret was a gracious and composed hostess.  A truly classy event.

Let me ask:

What is your spouse's(children's, friend's) favorite color?  Food? Place?  Time of day? Season?

What is their favorite song?  Do they like to dance?

What is their worst memory?  Their best?

What do they fear the most?

What do they want the most? Need the most?

What makes them smile? What makes them laugh?

What are their hopes? What are their dreams? Where do they want to go?

Do they love the mountains or the ocean? Both? Which one more?

Do you know?

If you don't, why not?

And why aren't we talking? Listening to music? Dancing? Making each other laugh?

Are we too busy trying to get our million dollars?  Our diamond ring?  Our merc or bmw?  Our trip to Paris? Our big kitchen?

Because I'm sure if you are 27 and have to decide how you're going to die, a million dollars might as well be toilet paper.  And what does a dead girl do with a diamond ring- leave it behind or be buried wearing it- does it matter either way?  Because I'm sure if you have broken your family in one sweaty, pressure-filled afternoon in the hallway of a plush hotel you might just trade that car or that kitchen or that trip for the comfort of loving arms wrapped around your neck and reassuring words whispered in your ear.  Because I'm  sure if you look up one day, finally, to find yourself alone, you might look around and see suddenly that all the stuff is just... junk.

Not to be maudlin, because I expect to live long enough to embarrass my children's children's children, but if I died tomorrow I think I could be pretty glad about alot of things in my life: I've known true love, I've laughed alot, I've known what it feels like to be free, I've known passion- fantastic, roll-around-in-the-grass-not-caring-who-sees passion, I know what that grass feels like on my bare feet, I have closed my eyes trustingly and let the sunshine wash over me, warm me, fill me.  But every day, I still have to struggle, just a little mostly, to remember what it is that is important-- to hear above the din of it all, that quiet, silvery note that resonates to the core of my soul that is love and connection with my fellow human beings.

The world is your playground, why aren't you playing?

Yesterday was... fabulous.  I know I overuse that word, especially lately.  The day was good from beginning to end.  I loved waking up to find that a breeze had rolled in overnight to take the edge off the heat.  When the weather breaks like that, the shift in pressure is tangible- not only does the air relax, so do the people.

We use the word 'synchronized' on occasion- I think my earliest association with the word had something to do with watching the synchronized swimmers at the summer olympics on television.  To me, it has always meant acting together, in tandem- a sort of togetherness that comes through practice or control.  I found this online in a glossary of Jungian terms: Synchronicity. A non-causal connection between two or more various phenomena (psychic and/or physical).  

[I was going to put a picture of me and Apollo here but really, this spot is reserved for something else- it's just I don't have that picture right now.  But that picture is the emodiment of my word of the day.  I hope that I have that picture to put here someday.] I realize now that synchronicity is something I have been looking for all this time.  I look for it everywhere.  I want there to be a connection in everything.  Sometimes it is there, sometimes not.  But it also describes the feeling I have when the world feels 'right' to me- that things are connected, that the elements fit together in so many directions.  Sometimes I meet a person or stumble into a situation and there it is- synchronicity.  I definately have it with the horses- for sure that is the thing that feels so good about riding, that connection.  But there are places where it is found that make it special.  Yes, it is what makes cooking with Liz in the kitchen, or taking the girls to the beach with Dean, or completeing a complex project with a client fabulous.  But when you find it in those moments where love and passion and vulnerability coincide, when you are just your raw self wrapped only in your soul- and you meet that in another person, that is rare and magical.  And you can live side by side with someone your whole life and never experience it, I am sure... or meet someone for one day and find it in a moment of fate or happenstance.  But, oh, if I could have it every day- hell, even most days- even... here and there... ahhh.  Count yourself among the lucky if you have this, even momentarily- but how fantastic to have it with you always, to recognize it and then find a way to hold onto it.

When I digress, I really digress.  Okay, I will quit channeling my 18-year-old-new-philosophy-major-self.

What made yesterday terrific, aside from all that synchronicity, was picking the girls up with Kendyl and racing across the bridge to go see Dean at Google.  Of course, he'd been up in San Bruno all day and so we arrived a bit early, decided to go to the park.  Kendyl had to study. Stick in the mud. (I'm SO glad she's back in school, yay Kendyl!!)

The girls love this park because of the giant spider-web-thingy that you can climb up.  I loved that Vi was the benevolent older child helping out the younger ones- there was a little girl who had managed to make it to the top and then she was hanging out up there, pretty sure because she had no way to get down on her own.  Her mom came over as soon as we invaded and she and I chatted for a bit and I assured her that we wouldn't accost her child.  Anyhow, at one point said little girl lost her hat and Vi climbed down to get it for her and brought it back up to her- all the while yelling at other kids not to bounce too hard and knock her down.

Ave had fun on the spider web thing too but ultimately she is into swingong on the bars these days, little monkey that she is.

I, of course, found an elephant to molest.  It just isn't a trip to the park without an elephant ride, eh?

No, really, this is a great park.  We like to go over to the nice monied neighborhoods like Palo Alto and take advantage of their nice parks.  This park even has a water feature!  I was trying to figure out how to get the water jets to turn on and Dean knew and was debating whether to wait until I was over one of the geysers or not... he chose right, though. :)  I love you, hunny, but I am not above seeking revenge.

The kids liked the mole holes.  They made friends with a couple little kids at the park so I think with all the time Dean will be spending at Google in the evenings with his big upcoming projects- we'll be relegated to hanging at the local parks waiting to get in for dinner with him.  This seems like as good a place as any to hang.

Dean liked the spider-webby-thing and jumping up and down on it until all the kids screamed.  Sometimes Dean has trouble distinguishing between screams of joy and screams of terror. Heh.

I wonder if the park has wifi?  Maybe I'll just take the kids and go work there and then we can have lunch *and* dinner with papa. Hee hee.  Naw, going to start doing that from the pool at the club since they do have wifi there.  I can kick back in a lounge chair, make sure the kids don't drown and they can have the time of their lives.

Do like the elephant, though.  I think I am going to have one made for my front yard.  Who doesn't love baby elephants?

We went to Google for dinner and Kendyl was very impressed with the massive size of the place.  We ate at Charlie's and had all kinds of fun food.  Dean was like, "Eat your cous cous, kids."

I was happy just to have some salad and get a handful of ginger chews.  We tumbled back into our cars and drove home.  Kendyl helped steer so I didn't crash the car on the way home(I was sooo tired). Heh.  Okay, not quite thaaaat bad, but when I got home I crashed immediately. 

That didn't last long because Dean has started a new trend of waking me up in the middle of the night to have his way with me- all very romantic but does not lend itself to me getting a full night of refreshing sleep.  It doesn't hurt that his way is definately my way. Heh.  Sleep is way overrated, I've decided. :)  At least now I have a better excuse for asking him to bring me back a black tea lemonade in the morning. 

Looks like it is going to be a fabulous day... why?  Because I make it so... and so can you. Go play.

A picnic, my loves?

Yesterday afternoon and evening were spectacular.  After coming home from girls-morning-out and a little shopping extravaganza with Vi (she wanted to pick out a dress), we decided to hit Coyote Hills for a picnic. 

The girls invited along their friend, Tova.  Dean and Vi ran to pick her up while Ave and I prepared.  We got a couple blankets, some apples and snacks together.

We all squeezed into the Lexus and drove to Coyote Hills which is adjacent to the Bay.  What is nice is that there is this big marshy area that has been built up with wooden docks.  You can walk about through the tall grasses and cattails on these boardwalks and see all sorts of marsh birds and other critters.

Today we were lucky enough to see a muskrat.  He was swimming in one of the waterways and when we got close he went down under like a furry little submarine.  We waded and watched for him but he did not come up again.

After Dean checked to see if the muskrat was hiding in one of the outlet pipes, we took a walk down to the Shell-mound site and Dean and the girls raced around it, except for Vi who had flip-flops on and so instead stopped to pick the flowers and smell them.  :)

We spread our blanket out on a little dock overlooking a big pond and ate our sandwiches.  It was gorgeous out- warm and breezy.  The kids were excited to be having a "real live picnic" with a guest.  Actually, several guests when you count the ducks and squirrels and, of course.

It's funny... kids go through stages- awkward sometimes, cute at others.  To me, right now, Vi is really coming into her own.  Every time I see her or look at photos, she just looks gorgeous and glowing.  She picked out the most fabulous dress today when we were shopping and wore it on the picnic, with her hair down and I can't tell you how many times I looked at her in that glittery dress with the sunlight on the water glinting behind her and I was like, my girl is gorgeous- inside and out of course.

It was Ave's idea for the picnic this time and what a fabulous idea.  We had a fantastic time. Ave was quite satisfied to have her picnic. Afterward, Tova came with us to the ranch to see the horses.  We had just enough time to feed and clean.  Apollo is back out to pasture as his wound is nearly healed.  Shadow was tweaking out because we brought him in to be grained and he got all nervous without his pasture buddies.  But finally got all our horsie kids tucked into bed.

We had the fam home by 9:30 and everyone tumbled into bed.  It was a long day, but a fine way to close out the weekend!                              

Taking me as I am.

Yesterday was... hot.  The only place I wasn't hot was at Starbucks where my breath was literally frosty.  No such thing as a happy medium, I suppose.  The windows are wide open this morning, the air is still cool but it smells burnt- the fires have been burning somewhere in the hills.

I am recycling some pictures from Father's Day because the beach was fantastic with the lighting and in retrospect, I didn't share some of the better ones.  For example, one of the few existing pictures of Dean and I- although that may change shortly as Vi has become more adept with the Nikon.

The girls are getting so big so quickly and it seems like there is never enough time to take enough pictures or document it all.  When there are moments I think to myself, I must blog this or remember this... but then it is often gone before I have the chance.

It is funny how pictures become our memory.  Half of what I 'remember' from childhood are really snapshots in photo albums somewhere that I've seen at one time or another.

Vi and I headed out to the ranch last night to feed and clean.  She ended up riding Shadow.  She is quite the girl about the ranch.  She can muck, feed, brush, pick hooves- she is fastidious, wants to do everything right and thoroughly.  Fantastic because that is how I like things done.  She doesn't ride until all the horses are taken care of.

I do love seeing my girl up on her horse.  It takes me back- only I feel like I am doing it right with her, fostering something that we both love.   I haven't pushed her too mucg, let her come to it of her own will and that seems to have worked- because here she is.  I am coaching her along but also trying to let her figure it out a little herself.  There are things you can e taught and then the other stuff that either comes or it doesn't.

The ranch was amazing and beautiful last night.  The air was warm but not stifling.  The sky was full of clouds and as the sun set, the light made it look like the sky that Michelangelo must've had in mind when he was painting the Sistine Chapel.  Not sure why it made me think of it, but it did.

Shadow would fit right in at the Sistine Chapel, no?

On the way back from the ranch last night we were listening to the "Rogaine Song" as we call it- "The Way I am" by Ingrid Michaelson.  Vi said, "That's good if you have a husband that takes you the way you are."  Me: "Yes, Papa takes me the way I am." Vi says, "You're lucky he married you."  At this point, I started laughing.  Kids, you know.

"Yes, I am very lucky Papa married me- but who is lucky now?" I asked, still laughing.  "She said, "He is." And I asked her, "Why is that?"

She responded with, "Well, you know, you tell him how to do it the right way all the time."  By this time we had pulled into the driveway and I was shrieking with laughter.  Not because it's not true, because it is all too true.  Just hilarious how insightful Vi is into her parent's relationship.  Yep, that I do.

So I said, "YOU'RE LUCKY we married each other or YOU wouldn't be here."  Funny girl, I love it.

Later in the evening, Dean was playing guitar hero and I was ordering some fly spray for the horses and Avery came to tell me "Dean kicked me out."  So, I loaded up a little Sir Mixalot on You Tube and Ave went nuts.

I know, I am the worst mother ever.  But man, we laugh alot around here when things are good.  Ave now has a whole new dimension to her booty fascination.  Of course she wants to learn the lyrics.  I just dont know if I can be quite that bad of a Mommy. Or can I?

Kicking up our heels!

Today was another crammed-packed day.  Liz had invited me to go walking wit her and Laurel.  I was torn between sleeping in and four miles of great comversation.  (Beware, Liz really will use that whip on you.)

Inertia finally won and I agreed to come out instead with Vi, so she could meet Annemarie, Laurel's daughter, and hang later in the day after most of the 'business' was over.  I wandered up with green and black teas for everyone just as one of Laurel's horses had broken his bridle in the round pen and she was trying out some of the more colorful words in our vocabulary.  You know how I adore people who know how to swear as well as I do.  And, of course, I got to take lots of fabulous pictures which I also adore.

It was, as always, an absolutel pleasure to watch Liz and Laurel working the horses.  I covet Laurel's horses shamelessly and I am neither muc of a western fan nor a big Quarter Horse person- but when I look at how buff they are, how well they carry themseves and then how young they are... yum.

Laurel worked her two-year-old who she was complained had gotten away from her last time but, uh, honestly, he looked better than anything.  When I showed Dean the pictures, he was like: "That horse is 2?"  See, this is how much we know.  We've only been exposed to poorly behaved horses.

It was fantastic to watch Liz and Laurel ride and Vi had a blast running around the property, checking out the horses and playing with the dogs-- and of course, playing with Annemarie.  Vi got herself completely soaked.  Lucky for her, I had a change of clothes in the car and she was ready to roll when we went to get our pedicures done.

We went over to the mall- thanks for driving Laurel!  And went to the nail shop there.  I had my nails done.  Vi got the full works- mani and pedi! *sigh*  I could realy use a pedi but we didn't have time.  I wish I'd gotten a picture of Laurel in her cute outift- she had on a dress with bright colors in it and then a gorgeous coral necklace and then had her toes painted to match.  Liz and I commented once how odd it was to see people that you normally see only in one circumstance(at the ranch, horsey, dirty, sweaty) and then see them in another context(like meeting for coffee in the city on a work day in your 4 inch heels.

It was a fantastic Sunday morning, low key yet entertaining.  Got some great pictures of the gals doing their western thang!  And, of course, who can resist lunch, the mall and some mani/pedi action... thanks ladies for a fabu morning, Vi and I had a grand time...

Many more grand times to come...

Lots of opportunnities to kick up our heels!

At the carwash.

I'm feeling all nice and summery.  It's hot.  It's sunny.  The pool beckons.  The horses beckon.  I'm itching to go on vacation. Ave's been asking to "go to the Eiffel Towel for summer break". Uh huh. 

Yesterday was the last day of school for Viola.  Among other events of the day was Apollo coming up with a bad leg.  He got kicked and it looks like it has gotten infected.  Also spent a couple hours at the hematologists office... waiting.

But here is the good news: Viola is out of school so let the summer begin!  Apollo's leg just needs some antibiotics and he'll be good to go.  Love the hematologist- very empathetic guy and a good listener who seemed to know his stuff. 

The dr. and I discussed some of the side effects of the iron infusions that I've had in the past that make me not want to have them- the flu-like symptoms, aches and pains for days after and he said that they can give me medication right before and again right after and that seems to alleviate these symptoms for alot of people.  Why hasn't anyone given me this option before?  Anyhow, maybe I won't have to be terribly under the weather after this whole thing after all.  How fabulous would that be?

Dean woke me up at 3:30 this morning.  I'll let your imagination flesh out the details, but let's just say, that hasn't happened before, EVER.  Hmm, I continue to be surprised... makes me wonder what other surprises might be in store.  If that can happen... there's hope, right?  Have to say, it was pretty fabulous.  I know for some people, they'd be like, "Uh, that's exciting?" but considering I've always been the one to do the waking, usually to be rejected, definately progress.

The girls have taken sibling rivalry to a whole new level of irritating.  Did manage to capture this moment of relative peace, going through the carwash.

Ave at breakfast this morning: "I am going to have four jobs: be a pet keeper, a movie star, sing on stages and a vet." I hope she hurries up, we could use a vet in the family with all these animals we have here.

Sunset.

The girls and I took a walk tonight, one which we should do more often.  Dean and I used to frequent Coyote Hills regularly when they were in the stroller and front-pack but somewhere along the line we forgot to go as often.  So tonight, after backpacks had been deposited and faces were turned toward me expectantly with the "Well, mom? What are we doing tonight?" look on them- I said, "Get in the car."  There was a brief fluster, some grumbling and questions but eventually we were on our way.

Coyote Hills was beautiful tonight.  Because the gate was closed, we had to walk in and so never made it to a spot where we could see the water- my bad.  But, ahhh... what a brilliant sunset it was.  The girls and I were... girls together.  We skipped, we spun.  We closed our eyes and breathed deep.  I smelled the salt of the salt flats, the water- maybe my mind playing tricks on me knowing the proximity of the Bay and all.

Avery smelled strawberries and Viola smelled horses.  We watched the sun go down and the moon come up and all the while, the light intermingling on the grass that rippled and waved in time in the breeze.  The breeze. Today that perfect breeze that blew across my shoulders and neck, not cool enough to raise the bumps on my arms but neither stifling warm so as to make the air feel heavy and still as it so often does in the summer.  That perfect breeze continued, blowing through my evening to remind me that it is all connected and the freedom we feel one place is the small space we use elsewhere to gasp for breath and keep moving.

It is funny to me that the sky is always what I need- when I am in the midst of urban sprawl, there is wide open space above- millions of light years between stars flickering here and there.  Yet, I've been in remote, cold places where the sky is a crowded, busy place.  And this is, of course, an effect of the light and what we are able to see when we are esconsced in the always-burning light of civilization versus when we find ourselves in the deep, still darkness where the heavens can finally open themselves to be seen.

If there is one thing I wish, it is that my girls always look at themselves and the people around them, how I look at them.  Sometimes I think, when I send my girls out into the world that people see the clothes they wear and how neatly(or not) their hair is done up, they judge them by the words that come out of their mouths, are they too fat, too thin, too short, too tall, too dark, too light... I'm here to tell the world they are none of these things because they are two, amazing, PERFECT beings.  From Ave's sassy booty shaking to Vi's fascination with catching ladybugs and moths.. no two, more perfect beings have walked this earth than the two of them, so far as I know.  If only they can know themselves as I know them.  I knew them, from the moment I saw them and put them, rooting and mewling, helpless little things, in the crook of my arm and said, "You're mine and I'll love you forever."

I have only a few stories of true love in my life.  I have declared myself to those that need to know.  Those stories are the ones without an ending because as we all know and as the fairy tales tell us, true love never dies.  You know who you are, and my girls, you are at the top of the list and I love our story that we are telling every day. 

It's no party if the people you love aren't there with you.  I love you.  Come dance with me.  If there's no music we'll move to the rhythm of our hearts, they beat together- of this I am sure.

Peace out, my friends, here is to another day: lived.

Of earth and sea, and where I want to be.

Crazy, busy days that fly by these weekends are.  I did stop for just a moment when starting out today to soak in, no, steep, my body in the early morning sunshine and I felt warmed through to the core.

After wishing Dean a Happy Father's Day, I got Vi and I together and we were off to the ranch for our Sunday ride.  We stopped off to pick up Haylie on our way and she chattered like a sweet little bird all the way there.  She really can talk a mile a minute, but it is cute and sweet so it is hard to mind.

Vi took Shadow out again.  We used a big bit on him so she had brakes today, what with all this cantering business.  Can't believe my little girl is cantering!! I rode Apollo western-style this week in the saddle I bought from Danny and Laurel. That saddle is seriously comfy.  Used my new-old pad that I got off Ebay for like $25- fantastic.  A $200 pad for 90% off, comes with a little horse hair and a hole in the decorative portion but otherwise, entirely functional...   

It was a great ride today.  Vi had a blast on Shadow and I had fun watching her.  Apollo was a great ride if a little sluggish except for a couple of times when Haylie took off cantering and he felt the need to join her... only I wouldn't let him. (Note photo of Demon Horse on right)

We rode at Sycamore Grove and started out with a water crossing that took us over to the meadow.  Made a big loop around the meadow and then back to the stream.  Vi did some trotting, almost got up to the canter but we weren't going quite quick enough.  Shadow really is proving to be a wonderful little guy, especially out on trail.

Afterwards, we went to Christensen's and bought boots.  We all needed cowboy boots and I wanted to get Dean a ropin' rope.  I got a pair of *gasp* Wranglers so now I won't have to ride in my Sevens anymore.  I probably will anyway... 

Came home to get Dean and Ave and headed oceanward.  We went to Half Moon Bay for the afternoon.  Turns out it was cold, foggy and windy over there.  The girls were windblown and cold(and full of sand), I was FREEZING, but Dean seemed to be having a great time.

Dean and the girls played chase with the waves for a bit- chasing the waves out and then turning and running to avoid getting caught by the incoming waves.  All was fun and games until Avery took a header into an oncoming wave.  She got soaked from head to toe ad there was much crying.  She had sand all up in every crack and had to ride home naked, wrapped up in a sweatshirt.  Poor girl.

Do love the ocean.  Have amazing memories tied to that big, moving body of water.  I am always in awe of how enormous and powerful the ocean is.  Some of the great moments of my life have happened extnrxt to the ocean.

When people tell me they don't like the water or can't appreciate the ocean.  It is a warning sign to me- they probably don't like Father's Day with take-out Indian food from Chaat Cafe and a lazy Sunday evening at home.  I had to give Vi some advil because she was complaining bout her legs hurting- nope, not growing pains- horseback riding pains! Woo hoo!  My girl is getting up her leg muscles!  Welcome to the riding life

Dean- Happy Father's Day, hun- we love you!  You are the best Papa in the whole, wide world.  Our girls think you are the craziest, most fun dad ever.  We love it when you chase us all around until you 'catch' us and make us collapse with laughter and giggles and get the tickles.  I think it is great how you are in Vi's classroom all the time doing Math Center and playing soccer at recess with all the little rug apes.  Ave loves it when you swing her around and throw her in the air until her feet touch the ceiling.  And we all love how much we learn from you every day.  You're fantastic!                                         

Feeling down? Saddle up.

Headed out to the ranch today.  I try to put it off because I know once we get out there, I will get caught up in riding all the horses and look-- it is 7pm and we're just home now, shaking the dirt out of our boots and the hay out of our hair.

I had a lesson.  Dean took pictures of me and one of my students.  It was sort of funny to see how goofy I look when explaining some of the body mechanics I try to get my students to employ.

Here I am with Tony, trying to get him to use his legs to push the horse over as he walks through the cavaletti.  Look at Power, isn't he a champ?  I actually had a grand time riding him out after Tony got off.  Always good to tune 'em up before putting them away. Heh.

Apollo was fabulous today.  First off, he was showing his humorous side.  I was telling him a story about a friend of mine who thought he got a case of poison oak this week and Apollo was like, "Nyah nyah!"  It's not nice to stick your tongue out, Apollo.

Apollo continued to provide lots of entertainment for the folks.  He had a fun time in the shower.  What is it with the men in my life and the shower? They are all like, "Oh, look at the water spray me in the face, I look so sexy, no?"  But really, is it just my horse that likes to drink straight out of the hose?  He'll stand there for ten minutes getting the fire hose treatment to the face, the whole time lapping at the water like a big, dumb dog.  Silly boy.

No jumping today, but I am working on conditioning him.  He's looking good, starting to put on a little more weight and more muscle.  I think he'll be ready to go to some shows here soon if I can get on a more regular schedule with the conditioning.  Anyhow, today was just a buttload of posting trot in patterns and then cantering- right lead, switch, left lead, switch, right lead, switch, left lead...

Vi came out and rode with me on Shadow.  Shadow is a great little guy but he is definitely testing Vi right now and finding every little evasion and weak spot.  She has many since she is a rank beginner. 

The thing she has on her side: she's 8, he's not going to wear her down or tire her out.  She cantered him a bunch today which was pretty exciting to see because we haven't done any formal cantering in the arena before and her seat looks really good- she has awesome balance. (Oh, to be 8 again). 

But seriously, she'll pick up all the rhythms before she knows it and it will be second nature to her.  Even with cantering today, I never saw daylight under her butt so she's moving right already.  I need to get her some stirrups going so I can get her seat fixed- I hate seeing her ride with her feet all out in front of her. She may be in a western saddle, but not for long.  She wants to jump and I want her to ride dressage and hunt seat- she can ride western on the trail if she wants.

Avery got in a little ride.  She's still not up for handling the reins but I bet by the end of summer, she's riding on her own.  Vi was ticked that Ave got to ride Shadow, but so it goes.  Still Vi's horse, just has to share.  Wah.  Isn't Shadow just a cutie pie, though? 

I did eventually hop up on him because after Viola riding him in the halter and then in Apollo's french snaffle(after I decided with the cantering that Vi really should have *some* brakes) he was getting that "i'm gonna go where I wanna go" attitude.  He is very light and responsive but boy, he is a wiggly guy- clearly not used to being ridden on contact so think I am going to make sure he goes with the curb bit in next time.  Does look cute in a english bridle!!  I feel like my feet are going to touch the ground when I'm riding him.  Apollo is 16.1 and Foxy must be nearly 17 hands high now.  My horsies are BIG!  So this guy feels wee to me.  So, know I look 5 months pregnant and my britches are less than flattering- but that smile on my face- that is the real friggin' deal and that is how I want people to remember me(with a  big fat horse-joy grin on my face)- so there you go.  Do love watching my girls ride- god, it is fantastic!

Dean was enormous help out there today between helping my students catch horses and pick hooves and groom, mucking stalls and ferrying horses to and from the arena.  I am going to take him out for a Father's Day Ride tomorrow.  Course, maybe I'll take him for a ride before we even head out to the ranch. And you thought this blog was G rated! Ha!  Look at him leading Ave around- Dad and tough-ass horse wrangler.  Love you hunny!

Sadly, he did get between Foxy and Farley today while there was food involved and got kicked in the thigh- pretty much full on.  Pretty sure he just got between Foxy and Farley but not where one wants to be.  This is the second time in a week that he's almost gotten himself killed which, of course, scares the shit out of me and I get all mad and yell-y.  Sorry hunny.

Ave was a big help, too.  She made buckets.  Yep, all the horses get their buckets.  Some just get a couple scoops of safechoice, but some get a pretty complicated combination of grain and supplements- so she is awesome for being able to make up buckets, let alone carry them over to the horses.  Hee hee.  Love it.  How could you not?

By the time I'd ridden 3 horses, taught two lessons and gotten both girls into the saddle... I was whupped.  Here I am, dragging it in at the end of the day.  And of course, I got burned again.  I swear, I wore sunblock.  Well, as Steve would say: I'm getting a good base burn going.

Yes, horses- not just pets, they are a way of life for us.  My children will ever be set apart from their peers because they will have known from an early age the lessons that horses teach.  We will ever be a stronger, tighter family unit because we have been able to share in hard work of caring for these guys and knowing the relatively unique experience in this day and age of freedom, challenge and achievement that handling and riding these horses brings. 

WInston Churchill said "No hour of life is wasted that is spent in the saddle."  I have to say, I wholeheartedly agree- but I will still love Apollo and come and brush his coat and comb his mane and feed him cookies and scritch his forehead, even when I cannot ride him anymore.  It isn't just the riding, it is the relationship.

They know us well enough to whinny to us before we even walk into the barn.  I cannot say how many tears I've cried into Apollo's neck and he has never held it against me.  As many times as I've come off him, been nearly killed by him, as many times as he's seen me down and kicked, he still always, always expects me to be on my best game and be excellent or he will test me and try me until I am- who do you know that does that for you?  Who knows how competent and capable and strong you can be and holds you to being that for them?  Who can look so placid and plodding one minute and be taking you for the ride of your life the next?  Who can make you smile all the way to the center of your being?  Yes, do love the horsies.  Love every bit of what they do for us and what they allow us to be for one another.

Of grey, overcast days, last night and the etiology of loss.

People say, "Bloom where you're planted!"  People say, "Parenting is the toughest job you'll ever love!" (Hello, this isn't the f-ing Peace Corps!)  People say, "Maybe it just wasn't meant to be..."  People say, "Maybe you dodged a bullet."  Be happy with what you have.  Don't want more.  It isn't supposed to be easy and fabulous.

God, people say alot of weird, stupid, well-meaning shit.  Not their fault, we try to be there for each other and help and sometimes we just do not have the experience to understand someone else's loss.  Sometimes it is everything, the words that go unsaid between two people.  Sometimes that is what hurts the most, too.

It has been an amazing week of revelation, good things, wonderful things.  I feel like I have thrown the tarp off my joie de vivre that has been lying covered for so many months.  I don't know what has changed (except getting that evil Mirena out, hello, class-action-lawsuit?), if anything- could it just be a shift in perspective.  (It is too terrifying to consider it could lterally be a change in hormones but I suppose it is possible).

Still, last night found me crying in my chicken noodle soup at Pho.  Those who know me, know that when I cry, it can be pretty dramatic-  poor Dean and all the patrons of the Tea House, who witnessed me sobbing through my flimsy, paper napkin.  I don't cry often, nor publicly, but when I do, I make sure to do