I haven't been posting much. I feel a little as though my heart isn't in it anymore. I can't just stop but at the same time, it's changed. And I know these things often do.
I had a dream last night- I was with my Grandma Cecile. I haven't dreamt of her in a long time so it was a welcome and comforting dream... until we were seperated. I almost lost Avery in the dream, too.
Upon waking, I had that unsettled feeling that dreams can leave you with when you wake up and they are unresolved. In the dream I was supposed to have followed my Grandma. From a figurative point of view, maybe it was good that I didn't since she's dead and all.
But back to the not writing. I've been spending most days, all day, with my girls- we read, we play games, we bake, we go to the pool. It's summer and we do summer stuff. As a result, I feel like I've grown closer to them, even more connected to them than I have been, and the weight of that is enormous. Let me remind you, I'm the girl that anytime I love something, it gets taken away. Recent history has proved that true, as well as a long, consistent past. Maybe I am superstitious. Maybe I'm just a realist. I just have been careful not to look too long and lovingly at anything I care about, tried to conceal it to a degree- because it is my greatest fear and possibly my undoing. But I've been stupid. It's been my undoing anyway because the fear is worse than anything.
Geez, reading back over that I do sound like a superstitious kook. But how to overcome it when life has shown me over and over and over that when I trust that someone or somethinng will be there, when I believe in the ability of love to protect, the universe is going to give me the big cosmic smackdown. It might come in the form of a brain tumor growing in my mother's head, my dog slipping under the tire of the school bus, or dementia eating away at my Grandmother's personality-- but come it will, again, and again and somehow, always, something I cannot fight, something where will or perseverance doesn't matter. The most frightening thing of all is that I never loved my mother, our dog Butterscotch or even my beautiful, stormy grandmother as much as I love my girls. Now, I guess I just wait for the Universe to bring it on.
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